The article arose in response to a letter with a question from one of the site's readers. To quote the letter:

« I read your book with great joy: "How to Fall in Love with a Man for Life, or Never Run After a Man, Let Him Run After You." Of course, as I assimilate the material, I apply the acquired knowledge in practice. All the tips work just fine.

Only the question arises. When does a man need rest? How to determine if he needs rest? For how long and in what form? How not to miss with the upbringing (the upbringing of a man is meant) and do everything right? I would be grateful if the answer appears on the page, even if in a few phrases».

I want to briefly recall what I wrote about in Chapter 7. “How to keep a man? Let him take a walk and get bored "... I quote part of the chapter: “If a man and a woman are constantly, without rest, are together and constantly communicate, then no matter what personal qualities a woman possesses, sooner or later the man will become boring.

Therefore, it is much easier and more practical to make not 365 varieties of one wife for every day in order to keep the man's interest and keep it, but to make the man hungry and spend a lot of energy, and he would have an appetite.

How to make a man hungry?

The answer is obvious enough, you need firstly, limit communication, let the man be alone.

Second, give or encourage a man to run well in the air so that he work up an appetite..

And now a little more detail on each item.

You need to limit communication. Let the man be alone and, of course, let the woman herself be alone.

As it seems to me, I have already said that one of the basic needs of a man is the need to be alone. This need is more or less characteristic of every man. And not only for a man. This need is clearly visible in children. And many women prefer loneliness to constant communication with people around them.

Let's go back to the men. A man wants to walk the streets alone, scout the space, so to speak, mark his territory. Or he wants to go to the bathhouse with friends, sit and chat. Or he wants to sit stupidly in front of the computer and do nothing. Or go fishing and so on.

Quite often I notice that women begin to take offense at men when they try to be alone. And even if they do not take offense, they try to find “useful things” when a man, in the woman’s opinion, does nothing.

Arguments are quoted as follows: “We have not gone to our relatives or to the theater for a long time. It's a weekend and you can't even be with your wife. You need to wash, clean, shake out, etc. "

(Looking ahead, I will say that we in the family solved household issues like this: on Friday we do the cleaning, we clean everything, wash it, shake it out, do the main purchases, and the weekend for us is the weekend.)

Women, do not take a man's need to be alone at your expense. If a man wants to be alone, this does not mean at all that he does not like you. And this does not mean at all that he is offended by you, or you are tired of him. (Although this may be, but we are now talking about something else)

If women understood the importance of loneliness for good relationship, then they themselves would, at least a couple of times a week, drive their men out into the street for one hour for 4.

I will list some positive sides loneliness for the life of a man and a woman:

- Loneliness is not a state in which a man breaks the habit of a woman. Loneliness is a state where a man, on the contrary, begins to miss a woman more. Of course, you need to understand everything in moderation. If you communicate once every 2 weeks, then such communication may not be enough for the development of relations. Now we are talking about the period when you already started living together. "

If a man is not allowed to be alone from time to time, then he becomes irritable.

If a man is not allowed to be alone, then they begin to get sick more often.

They say that if a man is not allowed to be alone from time to time, he becomes irritable.

They say that if a man is not allowed to be alone, then they begin to get sick more often.

They say that if you do not leave a man alone periodically, then he begins to avoid his beloved woman (lose interest in her) so that he can reach a divorce.

They say that if a man is not left alone, then he cannot process 90% of the problems within himself and begins to voice them to his woman (whining in essence), after which she ceases to respect such a “hero” (the consequences are simple).

Unlike the talk about Moscow chickens giving milk (I hope everyone knows this saying), all of these statements are true. If you give the male psyche a rest, then your value in the eyes of a man soars a couple of meters up.

I will very briefly repeat what a rest is for a man or, more precisely, how it differs from a rest for a woman.

First. According to my wife, her friends, and my female relatives, the rest for a woman can be to chat with a friend, or with a husband (when there is no friend nearby). Three or four hours of this chatter is nothing, and the woman feels completely refreshed.

Sometimes girls think that in about the same way you can relax with your beloved. That is, to chat for 3-4 hours about this and that. But if a man “rested” for several hours, then he often thinks that it would be better for him to load heavy bags somewhere. And if these were not just conversations about anything, but "women's conversations", then that's all. It is better to go on a business trip for a couple of weeks, where you need to work 12 hours a day, seven days a week.

That is, rest in chatting together for a man is often not rest at all. As the family relations, a man will be able to "chat" much more with his half and get tired much less. But even then, he sometimes needs a good rest.

Third. What else? Surprisingly, even lying on the couch may not be a rest for a man. If a man lies on the couch and every 5 minutes a woman interrupts him with some question, then even 2 hours of lying is not a rest.

What men are finicky, you might think. And then he is not so, and it is not so. In fact, everything is simpler. Men are not picky, they are just a little different. The simplest thing is to get used to it and understand the features. male psychology that's all. After all, you are somehow used to the fact that, for example, home flowers do not like your wonderful cake. Give them soil, water, and sunlight. You see how finicky they are, they don't want cake! And the car is also finicky. It turns out that he doesn't want cake either. You need gasoline, oil and all kinds of nonsense that you can't say right away.

In the example of the car and home flowers, it doesn't even occur to you that they are picky and, accordingly, you are not outraged about this. So why do some women find men to be finicky? Only because it seems to you that they are the same as you. But this is the deepest delusion.

In fact, men are different. They are not picky, they just need what they need. Give them what they need and you will be yourself happy woman or at least half of it you will do. Giving a man what he needs is usually very easy. You just need to know what it is and get used to.

Let's say that every man has a need to be a heavily loaded donkey, only to be given a carrot later. So let him be a donkey and don't forget about the carrots. It's not as difficult as it sounds. That is, load the man with some task, and then praise, you can more than once. Do not forget to praise later when giving similar tasks.

Difficult to come up with a task? Difficult to praise? Praise the first time, but then it's difficult to praise again? (or do you think that's enough) Well, who said that it would be very easy? Studying the psychology of men also means making up requests for help, and then carrots for help. If you do not learn, then do not be surprised that the donkey went to another place, where a saddle with a load will be put on it, and then, after completing the task, they will be given a carrot.

Well, something I went a little to the side. How do men rest? Usually it's just loneliness and silence. Maybe it's a little talk about business (his) and a little doing some kind of routine male work, like going to the store, where the choice of something is extremely simple (for example, buying groceries in a well-known store on known list). However, the main rest is loneliness.

Loneliness, of course, is necessary for women too. However, not many are ready to admit such a need and set aside a few hours a week to do nothing. That is, nothing at all. Do not watch TV, read something, do not clean, etc. Set aside time to be alone, and living together will become much easier.

So, how to determine the moment when it is better to leave a man alone to rest?

First, proceed from a certain minimum that absolutely any person needs.

We will proceed from the assumption that every man needs a few hours of solitude and rest at least once a week. Ask yourself the question, does your man have this minimum?

If there is, then good. If not, then it is very advisable to allocate some time in the joint life schedule when your partner (and at the same time you, if possible) will be alone and rest.

This feature is very simple. It is also very simple to execute. It's a little harder to make it a habit.

However, if you manage to leave a man alone with yourself at least once a week, then you will become less likely to quarrel and put up faster. After all, a man alone returns strength and energy , and grievances dissolve. Not completely, of course, but at least partially.

And aren't you dreaming of a strong and energetic man? And if this man is still not offended or annoyed, isn't it great?

On my part, it would be too great an exaggeration to say that if you give a man a lot of time to be alone, then such a man will become strong, energetic and not touchy. However, such a simple action can increase male strength (of the psyche, of course, not the body) by 10-20 percent, or even more. In my opinion, a very good result with a minimum of effort.

The general rule is as follows. Every person, and especially a man, needs to be alone from time to time.... Even if a man really does not want to be alone, but climbs to you with his communication, then this is just a bad habit, instilled by someone from childhood. This habit sometimes drowns out the real needs of the psyche.

But from the fact that they were drowned out, they do not cease to exist, and if they are not satisfied (needs), then they always somehow come out anyway, only in some wrong state.

That is, if your loved one does not even seem to want loneliness and rest, then send him to this loneliness forcibly. The very minimum is a few hours a week. Good - this is about 30 minutes every day and once a week for several hours. Very good - this is an hour every day and once a week for several hours.

You can focus on these norms. If you can't stand it, then think about how to implement it.

I talk about the needs of men all the time, because this article is in the "Psychology of Men" section of the Sun Hands website. But this does not mean that a woman does not need loneliness. It is important to understand here that if a man is not at home for some time, then a woman can often be alone (if there are children, then put the children to bed, send them to their grandmother for a while, to the kindergarten, etc.).

Secondly, it is clear that the man is trying to get away from talking and communication..

If we proceed from the fact that rest for a man is largely silence, then an increased amount of silence, avoiding conversations is a clear sign that a man needs to be alone.

You just need to learn to be a little more mindful. If a partner leaves communication, then you need to stop it. As a rule, repeating and asking for something when a partner is closed from communication is meaningless and only leads to mutual irritation. You will be annoyed that they do not listen to you, and your loved one that you do not want to understand that it is time to stop.

Of course, it's not a fact that your partner is literally tired and wants to be alone. It is possible that he runs away from your female conversations (in fact, a showdown in which he always remains wrong), but this is not about this in this article.

In other words, if the partner does not come to you on his own, if he responds poorly to your request for communication, then it is better to leave him alone.

Thirdly, the amount of time for loneliness and rest usually increases with a busy work schedule, troubles at work and in personal life, some kind of quick changes in life.

It is clear that when a person works hard, when your partner is in trouble at work or in personal life, something changes dramatically in life, then it takes time to realize all this, to get used to the new state of affairs.

If this is in the life of your loved one, then give him more time for relaxation and loneliness.

I will try in other words to make it clearer. If your loved one has troubles at work, quick changes in life, etc., then this does not mean at all that he wants to discuss them with you. It only means that he needs to be alone and much more time than usual.

If you give him such an opportunity, then sooner or later he will come running to you and even get bored with his stories. But that’s later. And first he needs to be silent and be alone.

This is, in principle, a fairly universal rule. If a child, for example, plays alone and does not call anyone, The best way- this is not to climb to him, but to let one play enough or just be alone. Nobody's going anywhere. All the same will come to the woman or mother.

I would like you not to get the impression that partners need to communicate a little with each other. I'm not at all parties The idea is that partners after work scatter to different rooms or, in general, someone is so late at work that they come after midnight and go to bed right away, or when they come home from work, they watch TV and do not communicate.

If this happens all the time, then almost inevitably there is some kind of alienation in the relationship. After a while, there is nothing to talk about. After a while, indifference may arise and from time to time a question may arise about what this person is doing here. Well, okay, the article, in general, is not about that. There is no need to jump from one extreme to another, this is actually a warning about this.

So, give the man (and yourself, of course, too) time to be alone. Don't try to talk to him when he needs to be quiet. Compliance with these simple rules will definitely improve your relationship.

On the other hand, there is no need to bring it to the point of absurdity. Of course, the rest of a man is not a meeting with friends and girls without special principles with the use of alcohol. And of course, when something needs to be done urgently, there is no time for silence and rest.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

I recently visited my very close friend Tonya. Her husband came home from work, looked into the kitchen, where we had tea, said that he was not hungry and would like to relax in the bedroom for an hour. My friend with a worried face ran after him. After 10 minutes she returned, whispered: "I think he is upset about something!" and disappeared through the door again. Soon Victor flew out of the bedroom like a bullet with a magazine under his arm and disappeared into the toilet (equipped with a bookshelf and additional lighting), the only place in a three-room apartment where he could spend at least some time alone and alone.
Once Victor confessed: "I love Tonya very much, but sometimes it seems to me that she is sitting in my liver, in my lungs and in my head, and I am already beginning to think with her thoughts." They have been living together for 15 years. Victor is a sociable, open-minded, very emotional and empathetic person. Tonya is caring and fussy. She sincerely does not understand why her husband sometimes psychologically and emotionally withdraws from her, begins to feel guilty "did not please" or worry "oh, he has problems!" If he was by nature sullen and stern, eccentric and unsociable, she would know his disposition. But she is unable to comprehend why a cheerful, merry fellow would sit in the bedroom for three hours in a row in broad daylight once a month, listening to Vivaldi and looking into nowhere over a magazine page.

3 main reasons for male "flight into himself".

1st reason: to restore your masculine personality
He truly loves you, enjoys your love and dissolves in it. You had amazing sex, talked about everything, felt like one and were blissful. Now he needs time to gather himself together from the parts of his soul that have melted under the influence of love and remain the same strong, independent man whom you have fallen in love with. The more he gave you, the more he needs to be restored. Why don't you need to recover? Because a man is drowning in female love, and not vice versa! As a result, he adopts some character traits and habits from his beloved woman. He needs the distance in order to abandon them and restore his own "I".

How it manifests itself. After a weekend or vacation together, he suddenly disappears for a few days, doesn't call or make a date. If you have been living together for a long time, then he periodically falls silent, withdraws into himself, quietly reads the detective on his side of the bed, walks the dog longer than usual, watches TV in another room. And you feel he is not here.

Correct female behavior... While you're just dating and occasionally spend weekends together, give him time out regularly. Remember, the closer you are today, the more likely it is that he will not call tomorrow. Do not disturb him and do not take the initiative. And then in a few days he will appear even more in love.

Respect the right of a permanent partner to move as far as possible. And remember: for one, distance is just silence and no communication. For another vacation alone. For the third day off, spent reading books. The fourth meditates in a tent in nature. Do not try to please him in every possible way, in order to keep him to yourself, do not pursue by grumbling or questioning. The more calmly you react to his detachment, the faster he will return to you.

And if you behave wrong. Do you know why Stenka Razin drowned the princess in the oncoming wave? It was for this very reason that she did not let go of herself, reproached, clung and fawned, and he himself, unwillingly, acquired the features of her gentle and feminine character. Your loved one is civilized. He won't drown you. But out of fear, as if not to upset his beloved woman with his behavior, he will abandon his own individuality, allow himself to be swaddled with care and from a reliable strong man turn into a weak-willed, weak and deceitful henpecked. You need it ?!

2nd reason: to solve some problem.
Men prefer to cope with their difficulties on their own, without calling for help from friends and relatives. This is an indicator of true masculinity for them. As a rule, they reflect on difficulties. It is more convenient to meditate in silence and loneliness.

How it manifests itself. He lies on the couch, eyes closed, and says that he is all right.

Correct female behavior. Suppress the natural desire to lament over the lying person and do not ask what he is sick with. Do your daily routine, get a manicure, visit your friend and behave as if nothing had happened so that your husband would notice: despite all his problems, you are in perfect order and do not hang your worries and worries on his head. Show sensitivity, do not forget to feed, do not let the children jump over dad, do not turn on the music or your favorite TV series at full volume.

And if you behave wrong. Then he will go with friends to drink beer. Maybe he hates this beer, but his friends are silent or talk about something of their own. And then you will be angry again he is not at home all evening and what he found in this beer ...

3rd reason: to cool down.
He had a difficult day: suppliers brazenly demand prepayment, two of the five foremen went to work, and one was drunk already in the morning, and his boss was extremely dissatisfied with the pace of work ... He needs to be alone to calm down, not to say or not do nothing that he will later regret.

How it manifests itself. His face is red, his hair is tousled, his voice is annoyed, when asked what happened, he answers: "Oh, that's nothing!" Refuses to dine and immediately leaves where you can close the door behind you.

Correct female behavior. The word "trifles!" v in this case stands for: “Leave me alone. If I need your help, I will call. " Do not knock on a locked door and do not force a person to seek peace at his mother's house. Do not give advice on how to cope with adversity, even if you are sure that you know everything better.

And if you behave wrong. He will pour out on you a whole barrel of unworked negative emotions, and you will get the full program for the suppliers, and for the craftsmen, and for the harmful boss. Moreover, having heard from you sensible, but unsolicited advice, he will not be delighted with the fact that he got such a brilliant treasure as his wife. He'll think, "I'm a fool," and get upset, or "she doesn't trust my ability to solve problems," and get angry. And the quality of your family life will deteriorate sharply.

How to distinguish your man's desire to move away for a while from the desire to leave forever

If he just wants to be alone, then:

Does not find fault with you and does not criticize;
there is nothing hostile in his isolation;
irritation and aggression appear only in response to an attempt to keep him near you, to get into his soul, into a room, or not to let him go fishing;
all unforeseen problems immediately bring you closer;
he does not refuse to perform his usual household duties;
speaks on his cell phone no longer than usual.

After all, they drive better than us!
American scientists have found that in women in the middle of the monthly cycle, at the peak of estrogen production, the ability to navigate in space decreases and they perform worse in three-dimensional computer tasks according to the rules road safety... But during menstruation, when the "female hormone" estrogen is small, and the "male hormone" testoserone produced in the adrenal glands, the test results noticeably improve. So ladies, let's face it, there are some things men just by nature do better than us.

Handsome as ... a sperm!
An interesting experiment was carried out by Spanish scientists from the University of Valencia. They took semen samples from several dozen men and checked its quality. Then a group of women was asked to evaluate the participants in the experiment: who is beautiful and who is not very ... And suddenly it turned out that the most attractive men from a female point of view have the most high-quality sperm and tenacious, highly mobile and resistant to any harmful sperm! So listen to my mother after this: "Choose a smart one, don't drink water from your face ..."

Quite often, women have complaints about their partners because they do not hear them, do not notice what they should notice and continue to do what is so annoying. Well, is it really so difficult to put things in their places, tighten the lid toothpaste and playing a football game at a lower volume is a familiar situation, right? If you look at this from the outside, you can find that the reason for the appearance of such situations is not in the partner's pathological deafness to comments, but in the fact that a huge lump of irritation is growing in us every day more and more. Household squabbles come to the fore, and not words of love for each other, the secondary becomes important, and you solve the issues of cleaning the apartment, forgetting to kiss your beloved before bedtime.

Resting From Each Other: Breakups

In order to continue to love each other, you need to part all the time. Don't be alarmed, not literally. There is no need to break off relations, but it is worth learning how to spend more time apart in order to rush to meet each other again. The desire to spend the day together because you cannot exist without each other is typical of the first stages of a relationship. And in order for it to be preserved, it is necessary to let go of the partner's hand for at least a few hours, so that you want to cross your fingers again.

Relaxing from each other: the habit of being bored

Develop the habit of missing your partner by remembering everything you love about him. True, the task becomes a little more complicated if at this moment he is next to you. Therefore, try to plan your leisure time so that you can go to the movies with your friends, have lunch with colleagues, and in the evening be a happy woman who misses her man.

Relaxing from each other: personal space

Personal space is very important for every person, and by ignoring its existence at the beginning of a relationship, you create yourself a big trap for your future. It doesn't matter who you are - a pronounced extrovert or a closed introvert - there comes a time when a person needs to be alone in order to put their thoughts in order. Respect your partner's personal space and defend yours, so that later you do not take offense at each other. Spend time on the balcony with a cup of coffee, spend an evening watching movies you want to cry over, read a book in the park. In short, set aside a time and place where you have personal space, and let your man do the same.

BuzzFeed has made an up-to-date video on this topic that will show you how find time for yourself, and then return to your partner with fresh thoughts.

Photo source: depositphotos

Something goes wrong in the relationship - you begin to doubt your own feelings or the feelings of a partner, you wonder if your union has prospects.

Perhaps you should consider breaking up temporarily with your loved one ..

When is it worth offering to take a break from each other?

Of course, it is impossible to describe all the specific cases when it is worth parting for a while - after all, all couples and relationship stories are unique.

But "Beautiful and Successful" will tell you what "alarm bells" may indicate that there is a problem. And then parting for a while will help either to cope with this problem, or to understand well what it is and what to work on after the renewal of the relationship, or a decision will be made based on the results of a temporary separation.

It seems to you that the relationship is slowing you down.

You remember your life before this relationship, and it seems to you more intense and active. You see yourself missing out on many opportunities that are truly interesting to you because the relationship forces you to have different priorities.

The partner does not approve of your interests, and for the sake of him you were forced to abandon them or to be less active.

The thought occurs to you that you could be more successful than this moment, if they were not in this union. A temporary breakup in such a situation can help you prioritize correctly and assess whether other opportunities are really more useful and interesting for you than a relationship.

Here it is important to understand where the feeling of limitedness came from - from a partner (and this is really bad if someone in a couple limits the development of another person!) Or from your own unrealistic assumptions about how rosy a free life would be.

You doubt that you are really valuable to the person who supposedly loves you

Here some people will say that this manipulation of temporary separation is a price tag in the eyes of a partner, and that, in principle, this is not a very clean game - to pretend to be a mysterious elusive touchy person who deliberately restricts access to himself in order to get more confirmation of the seriousness of feelings.

On the one hand, there is some truth in this opinion. On the other hand, how else can a woman behave if it seems to her that a man is simply used to it, "warmed up", has received a number of amenities in everyday life and sexual life, but at the same time does not value her partner as a person and is unlikely to sincerely love her?

If parting is manipulation, then manipulation is very effective: a man will either try to return his beloved and convince her of the strength of his feelings, or he will not do anything, thereby making it clear that he does not really need this relationship. Sometimes, after such an event, the men themselves go into the sunset, but ... there they go!

You doubt your own feelings

Feelings are not such a wrong thing! If it seems to you that without this person you could be better, that he has ceased to be someone special and necessary for you - this is probably so. The purpose of a temporary separation is very simple: either you will feel that you want to return, or you will find confirmation of your thoughts that you are better off without it.

You're tired

Do not consider your tiredness from living together as something shameful, something that should not be.

• First, you are not to blame for this condition.
• Secondly, this is a problem familiar to many people.

Sometimes a person needs to be alone with himself, or to communicate with someone else besides the beloved man - for example, with friends or parents. "Love vacation" is normal!

Temporary separation rules

In order for the separation to really benefit, and not aggravate a bunch of problems, it is worth adhering to some rules, and be sure to negotiate them with your partner!

• Specify for what purpose you temporarily disperse. For example, "Let's take a break from each other, I feel like I need to be alone for a while." Try to be sincere - do not offer mysterious omissions that can cause unnecessary jealousy and stupid scandal. If you feel insecure about a man and his feelings, then say so, they say, I don't feel that I am important to you, so I would like to give you the opportunity to think about whether you need our relationship.
• Agree on how much time you set aside for each other to "get out of the relationship." It is better not to suggest terms for more than two weeks, but two or three days is also not enough.
• Try to honestly tell each other what you plan to do during this period - go somewhere alone or with friends, live with your parents, do creative work or actively immerse yourself in work, etc.
• Agree whether you want to communicate via the Internet, by phone, etc. Maybe your experiment will go on completely without connection, maybe you will allow each other to communicate important information if it appears, or maybe you really want to chat on Skype every evening ... But the opinion of psychologists is that parting for a while is more effective, the stronger the each other's lives. Sometimes chatting online or texting is emotionally even harder than being there.
• Promise each other not to do completely unacceptable things, after which it would be very difficult to recover: for example, change, meet with exes, etc.

When can a break from a relationship only hurt?

And when can parting for a while be harmful? Unambiguously - if the thought already appears in the partner, and you would not want it at all. Let him go for a while, and the man will think that you, too, want freedom, and then the gap is not far off ...

When asked whether you need to rest from each other in good, healthy relationships, you can answer “yes” - because the higher the trust and love for each other, the more guarantees that the separation will end with a joyful meeting, and during the time spent apart, both partner will gain some kind of personalized experience. And if both (or someone is one), then for such people time alone with themselves is the most useful "recharge".