To ensure that a teenager’s responsibilities in the family do not become a source of many conflicts, you must adhere to the following rules:

• Agree with your child that he will be fully responsible for the cleanliness and order in his own room. He monitors the cleanliness himself, decides when and how to do the cleaning, and carries it out himself. When making an agreement with your teenager, do not forget to outline the scope of these “when” and “how”.
• Try to do the cleaning together (everyone cleans “their own” territory).
• Try not to order; friendly interaction is much more effective.
• Don't be shy to ask for help. Make him feel like he is helping you as an adult would.
• When necessary, gently but firmly remind your child of his responsibilities. Sometimes a teenager simply forgets about promises.
• Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, cooking together will be complemented by friendly conversations.

By adolescence, a child shows a tendency to maintain cleanliness that was instilled in him since childhood, so it will not be possible to change the situation dramatically. This requires patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with your child, then gradually he will meet you halfway.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to become familiar with vices adult life: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help your child develop a negative attitude towards bad habits, you need to:

Before you do anything with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse’s) attitude towards him, to the psychological environment in which the child grows up. Difficult teenagers often become unloved children. None of the parents are immune from this misfortune, even those who endlessly love their rebellious offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and develop correctly when you feel like you are not needed by anyone, when there are quarrels and discord between parents at home, when there are problems with peers or teachers at school. Unloved children do not have favorable soil for growth and development.

This is how others (and first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from an incorrect attitude towards him, but also turns out to be guilty of all sins (those around him usually blame him for the “difficulties” and “wrongness”).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, need to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the self-explanatory name “”, then it will be clear what needs to be changed in the relationship with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds him. When you start working on mistakes, don’t count on quick results. You will have to re-gain the trust the teenager has lost and treat him with your love.

Even if you eliminate only intra-family problems and provide the child with love, understanding, respect and decent advice, the situation in the family will slowly but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts where the child has so far fought alone (help him improve relationships with others, put things in order in his studies, etc.).

To guide a teenager in the right direction, a certain combination of actions is required:

• Qualitative example of parents.
• At the same time, a kind attitude and strict discipline on the part of the father.
• Patience and love of a mother.

To be fair, it should be said that a teenager can become difficult due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents also should not despair, they should try to correct the situation as much as possible.

How to improve relationships?

You need to make your child feel that he is loved unconditionally. Neither grades, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are their child’s most devoted friends and protectors. They will fight to the last, will protect their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for the offense, but they will do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of troubles.

We must strive to create a trusting relationship between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only important topics, which are also often unpleasant for both parties. You need to communicate on a friendly wave as often as possible, strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with your child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes have a heart-to-heart talk. Thanks to friendly communication, the teenager will begin to value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are very often perceived extremely negatively by teenagers).

How to improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?

The relationship with a teenage daughter needs to be improved, first of all, by the mother. The ideal mother is a mother-friend. People turn to her for advice, seek her support, trust her with secrets, and make important decisions with her.

The task of a loving mother is to prepare her daughter for an independent life as best as possible. It is necessary to teach a teenager how to manage a household, because in adult life, incompetent girls face a lot of problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, those around them usually do not skimp on caustic remarks and readily label the young woman as a slob or a bad housewife, which hurts her self-esteem. The inexperience of the housewife, as well as her reluctance to perform traditionally feminine duties, often become the cause of conflicts in a young family.

Mom’s task is to properly orient her daughter, explain to her how life works, and teach the girl everything she needs. The father must provide his daughter with a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, and serve as an example that the girl will follow when choosing a life partner. Parents, using the example of their family, should show the girl the correct model of relationships in the “unit of society.”

How to improve your relationship with your teenage son?

First of all, the father must establish a relationship with his teenage son, since masculine qualities only a man can develop in a young man. The father needs to try to establish a calm, trusting relationship with his son, tell him how the world of men works, how to behave in order to be respected by others, and offer help if any problems arise.

The father must teach the boy men's housework. If the family has a car or motorcycle, it is worth preparing the teenager to pass the license exam, as well as teach how to repair vehicles. For many young people, the prospect of driving a car or motorcycle is very tempting, so you should not miss this opportunity to make friends with your son and gain authority with him.

The father, by his example, shows his son what a man should be, what a man’s life should be like. If the head of the family has bad habits, then it is not surprising that the son will sooner or later copy his father’s behavior.

Mom is still very important role– to love, care and protect your grown-up child. Mom is the standard of female behavior. Many young people in the future, when choosing a life partner, will take their mother’s behavior as a model.

Love and care can work miracles; they can save any family and fix the most difficult relationships. Don't give up difficult situation, look for a way out both on your own and with the help of specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.). Go for it, and you will succeed!

We also recommend that parents of teenagers read the article. The article is interesting; among other things, it contains a detailed example of how to quickly and painlessly wean a child from bad habit(throw dirty socks around the room). The same method can be used in other cases. Moms will also find these tips useful.

If you need advice from a psychologist or psychotherapist, then this is the place for you.

Comments

Nina (paid consultation):

This is all Right words, but in life everything is much more complicated. How can a teenager survive at 16 years old if the father has a different family and all the father’s attempts to influence his son’s upbringing are met with hostility, and the mother does not have enough strength to raise two teenage sons!

• Nadezhda:

  Hello. Please tell me how to behave with my 14-year-old daughter, to whom you constantly talk about the order in the room, she agrees, shoves dirty things into corners and closets, and one fine day, when I shoveled these things into the middle of the room, she left the house and came back an hour later. Doesn't answer questions, snaps. What to do?

• Alexandra (paid consultation):

  Please advise what to do? My 16-year-old daughter, when I try to talk to her, it’s always just rudeness and negativity, how to find a common language, we’ve already tried everything, and for good and bad, she lives in her own world and doesn’t let anyone in, neither her father nor her mother. She studies well and that’s all at home, nothing at all doesn’t refuse, doesn’t leave the room at all only for needs, has no friends, doesn’t go for walks. Now I’ve come up with a diet, doesn’t really eat anything, has already lost a lot of weight and still continues

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Alexandra. Try to find the key to your daughter's heart. Each of us has some hobbies. Some people like rock, some like fishing, some like embroidery. It often happens that a person is reluctant to respond to our attempts to communicate with him, but as soon as we ask him a question from his area of ​​​​hobby, how things change. We are pleased to talk about our hobby, as well as our achievements in it. Just be interested sincerely, naturally, as if by the way, just like that (at least that’s how it should seem from the outside). It is unlikely that your daughter will appreciate your initiative if she understands that this is another attempt to find an approach to her. For example, consider this situation. For example, your daughter likes a certain artist (Dima Bilan, Yegor Creed, etc.) and his songs. As if casually, tell your daughter something like: “Today I accidentally heard Bilan’s song. It turns out his songs are normal, I liked them. This song is still spinning in my head...” And then ask something about Bilan or his work. Of course, you should first listen to his songs and read something about him. As soon as you find the key, develop further communication on the same topic. The more keys you find to your daughter, the better. Try to be useful, provide your daughter with some services that are truly valuable to her. Continuing the theme with Bilan: buy her a ticket to his concert (carefully offer your daughter your company to this event, since she has no friends with whom she could go to the concert). Whenever possible, give it to your daughter various items or souvenirs on the topic of her hobby (posters with Bilan, magazines or books about Bilan or written by him, CDs with his songs (if the daughter does not already have them)). Become, if not a fan of Bilan, then a person who is regularly interested in him and his work. Then you will always have a “good reason” for contacting your daughter (for example, interesting news for her from the life of her idol). What other keys can be used? 1) Preparation for exams. Think about how you can help your daughter: hire a tutor, buy books for self-study, help select theoretical or practical material, etc. It is better, of course, to ask your daughter what kind of help she needs. But if you know in advance that you will run into refusal, you can simply buy and give her books. And do not require her to use them. After all, it was just your gift. Of course, if you are going to hire a tutor, then this must be agreed upon with your child. 2) Admission. Talk carefully with your daughter about this topic. Find out what she would like to become, where she would like to go. Treat her wishes with respect, and not as something stupid, immature, naive. Otherwise, you will easily push her away from you. Having chosen a profession, begin selecting those educational institutions where you will send documents. Consult with your daughter, discuss possible options. Here are some topics for conversation that will be of interest to your daughter. You may have to attend courses or a tutor to successfully enroll. In general, do everything to make your child’s admission successful. This will be your common victory. 3) Diet. Your daughter is concerned about her appearance and tries to improve it. You can invite her to act as adults do. For example, visit a nutritionist so that he can develop a diet for her and tell her how to lose weight and how not to. Or donate a subscription to Gym, or for fitness (first find out if she needs it). Think about what else you can do to help her hobby. And realize your ideas. These are the keys that came to my mind “off the top of my head.” Come up with the rest yourself, based on the things that interest your daughter. Your girl is already big, so try to communicate with her on an equal basis, like an adult with an adult, with respect and in a friendly manner. Teenagers do not like to be treated like children. You need to try to establish FRIENDLY communication with your daughter. And to do this, you need to talk to your child about topics that interest him, so that he is interested in communicating with you. A more advanced level of communication is heart-to-heart conversations. But for this you need the child to trust you, to be able to trust you with his secrets. We need to strive for this. Friendly communication with a child solves the problem of disobedience, “doing nothing.” After all, you don’t want to offend a friend (even if it’s a parent); Whether you like it or not, you need to fulfill a friend’s request, otherwise you risk ruining the relationship. Don't give up if things don't work out at first. Act as if you were taming a wild animal: perhaps it will be long and difficult, perhaps he will let you in a little at a time. Do not be angry with your daughter for your unsuccessful attempts: after all, it is you who are trying to “tame” her, and she initially did not seek to communicate with you. Good luck in finding your keys!

Olesya (paid consultation):

Hello! Please advise how to find a common language with a 17-year-old teenager (my husband’s son has been living with us for a year, studying). The relationship is good both with us and with his mother (she lives in another city). What worries him is that he is nothing at all is not interested, except for playing games on the computer, will not take you outside. He will unlearn. He will come home and lie in bed all day. Answer one - I like it!

• Olesya:

  Thank you very much for the advice. It made me think. They really “put pressure” on the child, and did not negotiate or offer anything in return for the same computer. A new family member has just been added and we are all trying to adapt to each other, find common points of contact, common interests. It’s useful to listen to advice from others. Thanks again.

• Natalia :

  Hello, please tell me how to behave with my 11-year-old daughter. We can’t talk normally, we often break into screams. If you ask for something to do, sometimes he will do it right away, but more often when you start swearing, because he doesn’t hear you either the first or the second time. We quarrel, talk, cry, make up - it doesn’t last long.

• Natalya (paid consultation):

  Please advise how to persuade a child to study
  My son is 17 years old, after school he started studying, but in the middle of the school year he dropped out, no amount of persuasion helps.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Natalia. First you need to find out the reason for refusing to study. Teenagers often do not tell their parents about their difficulties. Therefore, adults often think that the problem arose out of the blue. Actually this is not true. Teenagers, when faced with a problem, often do not see the ways to solve it that adults would see. The fact that your son dropped out in the middle of his first school year makes me think... possible reason. In the middle of the year in many educational institutions sessions are taking place. The approach of the first session in their lives frightens many freshmen. Some teenagers are so unsure of their abilities and are afraid of failing the exam that they drop out of school even before the exams. By the way, the same thing can happen before school exams (OGE and Unified State Exam). Apparently, children reason like this: it is better to leave on your own than to disgrace yourself (failure to pass exams, therefore, leave school without a certificate, be expelled from a university, college, etc.). It is also possible that your son did not have time to submit all the necessary work (tests, essays, etc.) on time. All these problems may seem insoluble to a teenager. There is no one to consult with. You can’t tell your parents: they’ll scold you (I didn’t prepare, I didn’t submit it on time, but I should have). Therefore, the teenager, seeing no other way out, solves the problem radically: he drops out of school. In fact, he would really need support in such a difficult situation for him. For example, a mother who at one time went through all these tests can reassure her son and explain that all students (even well-prepared ones) are afraid of sessions, can tell how best to prepare for sessions, what to do if he fails an exam (and this happens often among the student fraternity). You can hire tutors for particularly difficult subjects. You can, in the end, HELP the teenager do the required work or select required material(for example, theory for each exam question). Which teenager do you think will cope better: the one who struggles with a difficult problem alone or the one who is helped and supported? Of course, fear of exams is not the only reason why teenagers drop out of school. Perhaps relationships with classmates did not work out; there is a conflict with the teacher; the teenager realized that he made a mistake in choosing a specialty (too difficult or uninteresting), etc. Therefore, I advise you not to force your son, but to find out the reason for refusing to study and OFFER him not only WAYS TO SOLUTION THE PROBLEM, but ALSO YOUR HELP. If a teenager is afraid of the exam, help him pass the exams. If there is a conflict with classmates or teachers, analyze the situation and decide together with your child what is best to do: improve relationships here or change the place of study. If a teenager doesn’t like a major, change it to one he likes. In general, if you want to succeed, offer your teenager as much as possible various options solving the problem. It is possible that he will like one of these options. Be flexible, look for a compromise. For example, a child is ready to study, but only in a different specialty, and because of this he will lose one academic year. No matter how unpleasant the latter may be for you, it is still your victory (you have achieved your goal, the child is ready to learn further). Good luck to you!

• Larisa:

  Hello. If I have no desire to improve relations with the teenager’s father, because everyone has their own reasons for discord. The child still sees where the parents love each other, where they are just pretending. Your advice is superficial. I think a mother just needs to respect herself and not give offense. be above petty squabbles and the teenager will then understand who the parents are and what they are like. The father smokes a lot, grumbles, does not say kind words and does not teach anything, drinks vodka in the evenings, although he is not an alcoholic, how can my mother protect him? Your advice is superficial, unfortunately. I’m just trying to be friends with my son and respect his opinion.

• Larisa:

  All these “Sovdepov’s” postulates have long outlived their usefulness and it’s time for you, psychologists, to bring at least some fresh air into the discussion of such an interesting topic as the upbringing of teenagers. Why not instill in your child a sense of freedom of choice, the confidence that if there is no love, then you need to say goodbye to your partner with dignity, and not blame him, blaming him for all your troubles, take responsibility and cultivate courage in making decisions. So. teach your child not to be afraid of change and to understand that no one owes anyone anything, that what you sow is what you reap! In general, it’s not interesting to read you. Sorry.

• Galina (paid consultation):

  Hello! I’m wondering, how can a grandmother find an approach to a teenager? My granddaughter is 14 years old, with parents often conflicts (one child in the family). One of these days they will bring her to live with us for the summer, so I’m thinking. Of course I will cherish my granddaughter, as if within reason.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Galina. You can focus on the advice that is offered to parents. Take every piece of advice as an idea. And then decide for yourself how best to use it in the existing circumstances, and in general, whether you will use it or not. It is, of course, much easier for grandparents to be “good” to their grandchildren than for parents. After all, a large proportion of conflicts between teenagers and adults arise due to children’s failure to fulfill some school responsibilities (not sitting down for lessons on time, getting a bad grade, not preparing for exams, etc.). Fortunately, school is on vacation in the summer. One less topic for contention. Of course, teenagers have different personalities. It's easy to get along with some people, difficult to get along with others. But we should not forget that the character of a child is not only natural inclinations, but also the result of parental upbringing. Flaws in a child’s character are very often a “flaw” of the parents (what they were taught to do, they do; what they weren’t taught to do, they don’t do). Therefore, by the way, I want to say once again that a difficult child is a victim of some parental mistakes in his upbringing. And blaming a difficult child for his difficulties (as is customary in our society) is unfair and cruel, because he had no choice (to become “good” or “difficult”). I would like to make a reservation that when I mention a difficult child, I do not mean your granddaughter, but I am talking about children in general (just as an example). Often grandmothers do not want to actively participate in the process of raising their grandchildren. After all, it is often associated with conflicts with the younger generation, which grandmothers seek to avoid. They simply turn a blind eye to children’s shortcomings, without trying to correct them, and do not make special demands on children. Therefore, grandchildren, visiting such grandmothers, live as if in paradise. You don’t have to go to school, you don’t have to do homework, you sleep as much as you like, you can go to bed late, you don’t have to worry too much about housework, you don’t read lectures. Personally, I really like this “policy” of grandmothers. In the end, they have already raised their children (and this is hard work), now let the children raise their grandchildren. When the words “carefree childhood” are mentioned, the adult grandchildren of such grandmothers remember with warmth and tenderness their grandparents, their home, and the time spent there as children. These memories warm a person throughout his life, helping him to endure life’s difficulties with dignity. The choice is yours: which “policy” in communicating with your grandchildren you like best, choose that one. If you manage to set up a good relationship with a teenager, he will listen to your words, your opinion will have weight for him, your requests will not go unanswered. In this case, you may even be able to put something into the heads and souls of your grandchildren or teach them something. One of the problems that grandmothers face is the reluctance of their grandchildren to help with housework. Here are some tips on this topic. No one (including children and teenagers) likes to be forced to do so, to be poked at with their own mistakes. Nobody likes communication like “boss - subordinate” (when one ordered, the other did). But many children will willingly respond to a request for help if their grandmother, who, due to her age, has a backache, asks for help. If a child feels sorry for you, he will be much more willing to respond to your request. A request for help is much more effective than an order or instruction to carry out some task. Because in the first case, you seem to be cooperating with the child, and in the second case, you force him. That's why do not “order”, but ask for help. Of course, there is no need to refer to illness every time. But the fact that the grandmother is already old and without the help of her grandchildren will not be easy for her is something children and teenagers should know. You can talk to them about this once at the very beginning of the holidays: 1) explain in human terms why you need help with housework And 2) what are the risks of excess physical activity?(legs, back, head, etc. will hurt). 3) After this, ask your child for help with household chores(this does not mean a one-time act of help, but help throughout the entire time the child is visiting you). 4) Try to get his voluntary, rather than forced, consent to such help. Please note the following. During the conversation, refer to specific pain (pain in the back, legs, etc.), and not to diagnoses (“hypertension will develop,” “blood pressure will increase,” etc.). The specific pain is clear to the child, but the diagnoses are not (it is not clear what hurts and whether it hurts at all). When agreeing with your child for help, give examples of the tasks that you will ask him to complete (go to the store, sweep the floor, etc.). It is difficult even for an adult to make a promise to help if he does not know what kind of help, how often and in what volumes will be needed. If there are any other difficulties associated with a teenager, then you can act on the same principle: talk “humanely” with the teenager, explain your point of view (try to convince him of the fairness of your requests) and agree amicably on the result you need. Good luck to you!

Galina:

Thank you! I hope I can handle it. I’m only 55, so I’ll hang out with my granddaughter!!! I completely agree with you, teenagers are not born difficult; they become so when they approach the child in the wrong way (I can’t convince my daughter of this). Thanks again.

• Irina :

  Hello, I read the correspondence of my 13-year-old daughter in contact in secret from her (on guard in connection with death groups and in general it was interesting), as it turned out, she has been corresponding with a young man 30 years old from Novosibirsk (2700 km from us) since November 2016, as I understand it , met somewhere in groups dedicated to games. The daughter confesses her love to him, collecting her thoughts for a long time, the daily dialogue consists of how are you? how was your day? good night or am I “depra” he writes - I’m going to go out the window!!! I’m terribly scared, I’m thinking about what to do, at first I wanted to write to him directly, but I think that he will tell her, and this is a rift with my daughter, what if I’m not without reason worried!!!

• Irina (paid consultation):

  I’m raising my daughter alone. I started smoking, she comes home late, she talks (get off, leave me alone), I start scolding her, she says I’ll leave the house. What should I do? How should I behave? Maybe I’ll push her. Tell me how to improve the relationship?

• Svetlana (sample of paid consultation):

  Hello Elena. Please help me with advice. I am the aunt of a 14 year old teenager ( younger sister his mother). We lived in different cities, but when my sister was born, she lived with us for the first time and I nursed him. I love him very much, I always spoiled him. I tried to build a friendly relationship, he calls me by my first name. 4 months ago, my sister’s husband died, leaving the business. My sister is at her main job until five and then goes to her husband’s office and stays there until nightfall. She asked me to move in with her to help with the children and everyday life. She also has a 9-year-old son. My 8 year old daughter and I moved in with them. I got a job, my daughter went to the same class as her youngest son (she went to school a year earlier) And then he was replaced. He became aggressive. He offends the kids, calls him names, makes them do everything, but does nothing himself. In response to my comments, he told me that I was nobody to him, that he was the heir and would kick us out of their house if he wanted. I told my sister about this, but it was a very gentle conversation. The situation has not changed. The sister doesn’t notice anything, doesn’t want to listen to anything and, of course, protects him in everything. And he, feeling his mother’s support, behaves more and more indecently. I'm trying to explain to him that I'm here at the request of his mother to take care of them and help them for the first time. It seems to be listening but silent. But after a couple of days he is rude again. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her alone at such a moment. And I love him very much. I don’t know what approach to find, I don’t want this, I don’t like this, I don’t like this. I tried not to pay attention at all. So he generally began to treat me like a house worker, whether I cooked or ironed his clothes. I'm desperate.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello Svetlana. Since your nephew has just experienced a tragedy, you need to act carefully so as not to provoke more big problems. 1) Do not get involved in “exchanging pleasantries” based on emotions (do not respond to rudeness with rudeness). Stop every episode of rudeness calmly but decisively. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is unacceptable to talk to parents and other adults in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for some time to calm down. When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what experiences the parents (or other family member) had as a result, how the teenager felt, and how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose. This should be the case ideally, but it does not always work out in practice. Need to try.

    Elena Lostkova:

    2) Try to avoid conflict situations. Analyze what situations provoke conflict. For example, you have prepared food and call your teenager to dinner. But he still doesn’t come. You return and begin to make claims to him: “How long can you wait?” And he responds by throwing some kind of barb at you. How can we do this differently? Perhaps it’s worth stopping at the first invitation (they came, politely invited and that’s all). And the rest (whether it will come or not) does not concern you. Perhaps you should take this position: I help my sister with housework and caring for the younger children, and raising a teenager is her task. He didn’t come to dinner, didn’t sit down for homework on time, etc. - let the sister herself conduct educational conversations with her son. You can argue that he still doesn’t listen to you, and when you start insisting, this leads to conflict. Your job is to remind the teenager once about completing the next duty (for example, “5 o’clock. It’s time to sit down for homework”) and no longer insist or control him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    3) If you need to make a remark to your nephew, also do it calmly and confidently. Not in an angry, not irritated, not offended tone, but in a calm, neutral tone. No need for long lectures. They said 1-2 phrases and left. Think in advance about what phrase you will say to him. There should be no aggression or “assault” in your tone or words. Otherwise, he will definitely want to say something offensive to you in response. For example, you could say: “Stop making little ones wash the dishes for you! Go my own way!” (with this phrase you seemed to hint that your nephew is bad and his action is bad, and even ordered him to do something). It’s better to say something neutral: “The kids have their responsibilities, you have yours. Everyone washes their own dishes” (it turned out not to be a personal appeal to a teenager, but a statement of fact). You see, in the second phrase we avoided all three unpleasant moments for a teenager that were present in the first phrase. If, nevertheless, he is rude in response, again in a calm and confident tone (without your personal emotions), answer him: “You cannot talk to adults in such a tone” (Did you notice that this phrase again simply states a fact?) or “In such a tone I won’t talk.” And leave. The main thing is not to let him drag you into a squabble. You did your job (you didn’t ignore the act or rudeness, you responded to it correctly), and leave bringing the upbringing of the teenager to the ideal for the mother. Don’t control whether he washed the dishes or not, don’t force him to fulfill his duty, and don’t tell him anything else about this particular act (if he doesn’t wash the dishes next time, reprimand him again). And even if he doesn’t come and wash the dishes after himself. It's okay, this is no longer your concern. If you still decide to wash it yourself, then do it so that your nephew does not notice it. For example, dishes that he hasn’t washed stand alone in the sink until the evening (what if he decides to check?), and after dinner you wash them with all the other dishes. Otherwise, he will decide that if he doesn’t do it, then someone will definitely do it for him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    4) What should you do if a teenager asks you for help (I mean some household chores, and not something serious related to life and health)? If he asks rudely, calmly and confidently inform him that you will not fulfill a request made in such a tone. If he asks normally, help him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    5) Children always have a good sense of who can sit on the neck (weak) and who can’t (strong). Even at school, one teacher can be rude, but not another, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. Therefore, perhaps you forgave your nephew too much, when you should not have ignored any such episode of rudeness. During conflicts, do not let your teenager get emotional. Always remain calm and confident. Emotions and kindness are often perceived by children (and adults) as weakness. And calmness and self-confidence are like strength. This is how we distinguish strong people from the weak.

    Elena Lostkova:

    6) The problem of rudeness and rudeness of teenagers faces many parents. It's connected with age characteristics psyche. Perhaps the problem existed before your arrival.

    Elena Lostkova:

    7) Pay attention to the manner of communication of your sister (in relation to you). It happens that children copy the behavior of their parents. For example, a child treats his mother the same way his father treats her. And vice versa, he communicates with dad the way mom communicates with him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    8) It is possible that you embarrassed the teenager with your arrival. Many people look forward to the departure of guests, despite the fact that these guests are loved and useful to them. Try to understand exactly what inconveniences the teenager is experiencing and try to remove those that are possible. Maybe younger children are pestering him? If your teen doesn't like it, don't let them do it. Maybe he wants to be alone in the room? Give him this opportunity at least temporarily by keeping the younger children busy with some activity in another room.

    Elena Lostkova:

    9) Try to objectively evaluate how you communicate with a teenager. What phrases do you say to him, in what tone? Remember yourself in adolescence and try to imagine whether you would like such treatment or not. Don't you treat him like a small child? Are you trying to control his actions (whether he ate, did his homework, etc.). Teenagers often have conflicts with parents and other family members on this basis. Teenagers begin to rebel because they do not agree that they are still considered small and controlled in everything. Try giving him more freedom and less control. Maybe, he rebels because you took on the role of parent(which in itself involves frequent encounters with conflict situations). Maybe we should give this up? And then some of the conflict situations will simply disappear.

    Elena Lostkova:

    Elena Lostkova:

    11) It’s good if you manage to establish such trusting communication. During it, you may be able to find out the true reasons why he treats you so disrespectfully. Maybe, knowing them, you will be able to establish a relationship with him. But mom needs to try to establish such a trusting relationship. The teenager recently experienced a tragedy. Plus there is a hormonal change in the body. Plus, his life has changed a lot (his dad is no more, his mother is almost never at home, his aunt arrived with a small child). In fact, the boy lost both parents. Mom comes very late, all tired, all her attention goes to other family members (aunt, younger brother, etc.). Mom only pays attention to him when he has done something, but such conversations are hardly pleasant for both of them. The teenager was left alone, alone with his pain. There is no one to have a heart-to-heart talk with, all emotions are boiling inside, which is very bad for any person. So he just wants to be left alone, since they can’t give him what he needs. Mom urgently needs to shift her focus from work to children. I understand that this is very difficult, but it must be done. Otherwise, she only increases the burden of tragedy that has fallen on the shoulders of her children. It is necessary for the mother to spend more time with the children, and spend it pleasantly for the children: talking with them, playing, reading, going to the cinema, etc. It is necessary to express your love through touching (kissing, hugging, etc. .), but only if the children do not react negatively to this. From time to time you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your children. Such confidential communication is the pinnacle of parenting skills. During such conversations, parents can convey to their children what was not possible before. Because at such moments, children not only listen, but also hear their parents. It would be a sin not to use them for educational purposes. You just need to structure the conversation correctly. You should completely forget about notations. It’s just that both sides should share their experiences and concerns; somewhere you need to sympathize, take pity on the child; if there are comments on his behavior, then they need to be made very carefully so as not to offend him, and you also need to explain why this is wrong from the parent’s point of view, what this can lead to, and report that the parent is very worried about this, because he is afraid that the child will get into trouble. And all this should be done sincerely, not feignedly, and not as a burden for both parties. Confidential communication is also psychological help parents to their children. Good luck to you!

Oksana (sample of paid consultation):

Hello, Elena. My son is 18 years old, he entered a university in another city, and is a first-year student. Yesterday I found out that he missed classes, and most importantly, he lies to me that he is in the classroom, studying. And then it says that it has not found the academic building. I think these are just excuses, since he loves to play computer games. Now the money on his card is running out, so I’m tormented by doubts: will I do the right thing if I punish him with a ruble for the weekend? Or will it be worse? He calmly missed 4 pairs, and he’s lying to me, he doesn’t consider himself guilty

• Elena Lostkova:

  Hello, Oksana. The right thing to do would be to talk to your son frankly, but in a humane, kind way. In general, if possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Find out why he misses classes, tell him about the consequences of such absenteeism and your feelings about this, about your worries that your son may have problems because he does specific things incorrectly. Try to talk in such a way that your son understands that you are worried not about the studies themselves, but about him, for his well-being, for his happiness. Tell him that the first session is very important. That not everyone passes the test in the first session, because they realize it too late and do not have time to prepare. As a result, they are either expelled, or they quit their studies before the actual session (they are afraid of exams and are confident that they will not pass them). To prevent this from happening, you need to start studying right away, literally from the first days. Of course, you know your son better, but still admit to yourself the thought that he did not play truant or skipped good reason. We can't tell our parents everything. Perhaps there is a reason, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he didn’t get along with his peers or with the teacher, or something else. Tell your son that if he has any problems, let him turn to you, you will try to help him. During the conversation, you can amicably agree that if the computer interferes with your studies, you will have to take it away. If he needs a computer for his studies, he will have to go to the university library and study there. Do not use any measures that are unpleasant for your son (take away the computer, deprive him of money, etc.) without prior warning. After all, your goal is to correct your son’s behavior (and not to take things away), so give him the opportunity to take action and correct himself. Warn not aggressively, but calmly, kindly, like you wouldn’t want to do this, but it may turn out that you have to. Choose your words and tone carefully. For example, you can say: “You won’t get another computer” (this is a bad option). Or you can do this: “If the computer interferes with your studies, I will have to take it away. I don’t want you to get into trouble because of him.” Now it is very important how exactly you will communicate with your son: in a good way or in a bad way. When the child is nearby, he can still be forced to study. And when he is far away, how can this be done? No way. Only with the help of confidential communication, when you HEAR the child, and he HEARS you (he hears, in the sense of taking your words into account, listening to them, and not letting them pass by his ears, brains and soul). Remember how you have a heart-to-heart talk with best friend. The conversation is pleasant for both of you, without tension. You both hear and understand each other's feelings and experiences. Your souls are open to each other at this moment. If one advises the other or asks for something, then the other, without internal resistance, is voluntarily ready to help and fulfill the request. If such communication is possible between two essentially strangers, then between the closest ones (mother and child) it is even more possible. You just need to try to establish trusting communication from the very early childhood of the child. And if this has not been done before, then try to do it at least now. Confidential communication is the most powerful educational tool (parents do not force the child, but negotiate with him in an amicable way). Such communication brings parents and child closer together. I have already talked about the advantages of communicating “in a good way”. And now I’ll tell you about the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way” (parents force the child, use moral and physical violence against him). Such communication creates a gap between parents and child. Both sides do not understand each other and do not want to listen to the words and requests of the other side, conflicts often arise. For both parties, such communication is not comfortable. This is how difficult children and teenagers appear (this is the result of improper parenting). What do we do if communicating with someone constantly upsets us? With such a person we strive to either communicate at a minimum or not communicate at all. So it turns out that while the children are at school, they are nearby (they have no choice), and when they leave home, they forget about their parents, since communication with them was too often unpleasant (I don’t want to continue it). These are the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way.” I don’t know how exactly you communicate with your son, so I described both options in detail. What to do is your choice. My personal opinion: try to become a FRIEND for your son (to make this happen, figure out for yourself what friends do and don’t do), combine the two roles of “mother” and “friend”. As a result, firstly, you will be able to communicate more often and better with your son at a distance. Secondly, to some extent you will be able to influence his behavior, his actions. Good luck to you!

• Maria:

  Hello, my daughter is 16 years old. She is dating a guy who is 19 years old. He is everything to her! She goes to bed when he calls her. They live with a guy in neighboring cities. He comes to her. I started leaving notes about my pregnancy like “I’m pregnant, don’t tell anyone.” I ask what is this? And she says that they joke around like that in college and it doesn’t mean anything because she’s still little. Grandma calls her and asks how are you? She tells her that I feel sick all the time. Although I know that she has her period. I start asking questions why she is doing this, she screams that grandma made it all up. He says that he lives with us out of necessity. That if I don’t like something, I can refuse it. Her friend left home and refused her mother’s social security benefits; she says that her mother yells all the time. I do not know what to do?

• Maria:

  I’ll add to the previous comment, tell me what to do in situations when my daughter offends me and my husband. Can say anything. And at the same time she accuses us of treating her badly. He doesn't notice the good, only reproaches. Her father lives in another city and did not communicate with her for a long time, he was tired personal life. Her stepfather raised her like a daughter. This summer, during a conflict with her, my husband decided to stand up for me and take the phone from her, she did not give it back and had to be taken by force. Before this, the daughter called her husband dad, but now she doesn’t call him at all, she hasn’t spoken to him since the summer. I started going to to my own father, and blame me for everything that happens. I’m so tired and I’m trying to close my eyes to a lot of things, but I’m losing my temper. Please tell me a way out of the situation.

• Anonymous:

  Hello, tell me how to find a common language with a 13-year-old child, my husband is divorced, there is a second husband and a child from a second marriage, for a child I’m bad, he snaps back, he wants to go to live with his dad or grandmother.

• Oksana:

  Hello, I don’t know what to do, I’ve given up, help. My 16-year-old son went to college for a very serious specialty, his choice and dream. I studied for 3 months and it started, I don’t want to go, now I want to take my documents from there altogether. We explain that you will lose a year and what will happen next. Local vocational school-AUTO MECHANIC. We tried to dissuade him as much as we could, but he didn’t care, he said he wouldn’t study at all, but would start working. We explained to him that no one now hires anyone without an education. The atmosphere at home is tense, the teachers spoke well of him, his son doesn’t smoke or drink, but we don’t understand why this adherence to principles and persistence. Everything is fine in our family, my husband and I work, our eldest daughter is married, we all relax together. And my sister and her husband said that with such an education they would take you anywhere with their hands; she didn’t want to listen.

Your son, who used to share all his secrets, suddenly begins to answer all questions with a sullen “yes” or “no”, and your daughter no longer wants to go shopping with you? This is probably adolescence. Do not despair. This is quite natural, and even moreover, it is important for children to distance themselves from their parents during this period. But for adults, such distance can be painful, and they think... We have selected a few tips on how to find a common language with teenagers.

Give your teenager some freedom

Give them more independence. This will help them create themselves, their own individuality. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't intervene if your teen gets involved with bad people.

Prohibit wisely

Don't pick on teenagers over minor things. Purple hair or a messy room is not a reason for a scandal. Another thing is tattoos or bad deeds. Give reasons for your prohibitions - this will help you find a common language with teenagers.

Define rules and discipline in advance

Both parents are involved in raising teenagers, so discuss in advance what is acceptable and what is not. Whether you prohibit your teenager from using the Internet or reduce the amount of pocket money - everything should be discussed in advance.

Discuss boundaries

Give teenagers age-appropriate independence. But you should always know where they are. If you feel necessary, request that your teen call you during the evening.

Talk to your teen about risks

Discuss an action plan

Tell your teen, “If your only option is to get into a car with a drunk driver, call me. I don’t care if it’s three o’clock in the morning.” Talk to your child about different potential dangerous situations and them possible solutions. This way you will not only keep him as safe as possible, but also show that you can be trusted. And this important step, if you want to find a common language with a teenager.

Allow your child to feel guilty

A lot depends on self-esteem. having a good opinion of yourself is normal. But people should feel bad if they hurt someone or did something wrong. Teenagers need to feel guilty sometimes too. Guilt is a healthy emotion. And it’s normal to feel it when we’ve done something wrong.

Invite your teen's friends over for dinner

Don't talk about it very openly. This will only alienate your teenager. Invite your child's friends over. When the children will see. How friends behave with their parents can help them get to know them better. Yes, and you may see something good in them.

While the child is small, it seems to the parents - well, just a little bit is left, he will start crawling, walking, eating and going to the potty on his own, he will go to kindergarten, to school - in general, he will become more independent, and then it will be easier for us. But that was not the case! Popular wisdom says: “Little kids are little kids, and big kids are big kids.” Of course, not everything is so sad, children bring us a lot of joy, but no one has canceled the difficulties of each stage of their growing up. As you get older, your baby of yesterday turns into a teenager and leaves the constant control when you see and warn his every move. Now he is learning to go his own way, making mistakes that are painful and sad for you to watch, but that is the price of growing up and experience.

Why is it difficult for parents to find a common language with teenagers?

Adolescence is a difficult time not only for parents, but also for the teenager himself. During this period (usually girls and boys 12-18 years old are called teenagers), a tremendous hormonal change in the body occurs, entailing serious psychological changes. A way out of the stable and comfortable feeling of being a child when adults are authoritative, the world friendly, interests are stable - this is colossal stress. It is not without reason that for psychologists and psychiatrists a teenager is a person with a “borderline” psyche, who is “allowed” to be nervous and sometimes inadequate.

During this period, it is important to find a common language with a teenager, and not try to teach life and scold him, even if it seems to you that he has become absolutely intolerable, has gotten out of hand, is rude and does not want to learn. The problem of “fathers and sons” is eternal, because no matter how much we want, we cannot return to the time when we ourselves argued with our own parents and feel our feelings at that time.

The importance of home and parents for a teenager

This may seem strange, but for a teenager, the closeness and attention of parents is almost as necessary as small child, only it should naturally manifest itself differently. Even if it seems to you that the child has withdrawn and has stopped talking about what worries him and what is happening in his life, this absolutely does not mean that he does not need parental support. Needed, and how! But asking for details that interest you, trying to speak his language (for example, using slang and a sudden interest in rock music), showing affection will only irritate him. However, your child should feel that what is happening to him is important to you, so asking questions is still necessary, as well as trying to spend time as a family. The main thing is that the questions are not intrusive, otherwise the effect will be the opposite - the teenager will simply withdraw into himself. Try replacing the question form with a statement of facts - “Daughter, you’re kind of sad today.”

When the world around us becomes complex, home remains a necessary “shelter” for a teenager, a real island of stability. Do not deprive your adult child of this safe haven with your reproaches and questions. This way you will only complicate the situation and push him, who is in “disheveled” feelings, into the company of equally confused, and possibly embittered, young people. Respect your teenager's personal space. Under no circumstances enter his room without knocking; show that you accept his right to be alone. A teenager’s room is his “cave”, where only he is the owner. Let the furniture be arranged in a way that is convenient for him, posters with his favorite performers or actors hang on the wall, even if the photographs seem ugly or creepy to you. Think about it - after all, it will be unpleasant for you if someone starts pointing out that this vase does not fit the interior, or closely watching you when you want to retire and relax.

How to communicate with a teenager correctly?

1. Start building adult relationships

Understand that your child is no longer a child at all, but a personality, albeit not fully formed. Do not demand unquestioning obedience; this will only cause protest, no matter in the form of aggression or passive disobedience.

Try to convey to your teenager that being an adult means not only making your own decisions, but also being responsible for them. Don't panic every time minor trouble– let your child learn to deal with them himself.

2. Don’t compare your teenager to yourself at his age, much less to his peers.

We are constantly surprised by technical innovations and changes in the minds and souls of people, but for some reason we expect from children that they will be the same as we were at their age. With universal awareness thanks to the Internet, barely veiled propaganda of open relationships, alcohol and cigarettes, from which one cannot hide or escape, it is quite strange to expect a teenager to behave modestly and affably, obey his parents and study well. Its development at 13-14 years old corresponds in many respects to your 15-16 years old. Didn’t you argue with your parents at this age, didn’t you dream of reducing their control, didn’t you consider them old-fashioned, didn’t you have your own secrets?

Comparing a child, even in a private conversation, with a neighbor’s daughter or son or another teenager you know, will only cause aggression and misunderstanding. Few people like comparisons that are not in their favor, and in adolescence, self-esteem is most vulnerable.

3. Don't shout or scold.

Communication in a raised voice is almost always meaningless; another question is that in a state of powerlessness it is quite difficult to keep emotions under control. This is a science that needs to be mastered. Every time you want to raise your voice, try to restrain the first impulse (psychologists advise in such cases to count to ten). Constant screaming and “attacking,” as teenagers say, leads to the opposite reaction - what does not suit you as a parent will not change - the child will simply begin to ignore what he hears and hide unseemly actions.

Speak in the first person: not “You skipped school again!”, “Your behavior is no longer acceptable!” or “Don’t be rude,” but “I’m worried about your academic performance” or “Dad and I were really offended by your tone.” Do you feel the difference? Never forget that you should treat any person, including your own child, the way you want to treat yourself.

In some matters, our children are much more “advanced” than us. And you can quite honestly ask for advice, for example, in choosing a new phone or installing a new program downloaded from the Internet. In such a situation, the teenager feels like an adult and independent, which increases his self-esteem and brings him closer to the parent who sought advice.

5. Show interest in his affairs

By showing your child that his activities are interesting and important to you, you show respect for him. Of course, this must be done sincerely. At first, you may not notice any special changes in your relationship, but when the teenager is convinced that there is “no catch”, he will begin to happily share with you his successes in an online game, sports or creative achievements.

6. Talk while working out together and on the road

Most often, teenagers do not want to spend time with their family at all - friends, first love relationships, the Internet and hobbies become more important to them than “boring parents.” And that's absolutely normal! It happens that children begin to feel embarrassed about their parents, and no one is to blame in this situation. It’s just that right now a growing person wants to be independent, and not a child, and next to his mother, willy-nilly, he returns to childhood and loses his newfound freedom.

How to be? Communication with a teenager is very important during this period, so do not insist on going out together, but invite your daughter, for example, to help you a little with cooking, and let your son and dad go fishing or rummage around in the car. We all know - collaboration brings you closer, and talk about something exciting young man It’s easier in a relaxed situation, rather than looking into the eyes of the parent sitting opposite.

A good option is to communicate while traveling by car. Being nearby, and not opposite each other, and on “neutral” territory, it becomes easier for both parties to establish contact.

7. Chat virtually

Master virtual communication methods if you have not already done so - social media, “ICQ” will help a teenager to relax and talk about things that he will keep silent about in personal communication.

8. Set the right example

To demand from a teenager that he does not smoke or drink, while for parents this is the norm, is strange, to say the least. You can no longer simply say, like a toddler, that it is “poop.” If you can, why can't he? The same applies to the usual way of communication - if it is not customary in the family to show respect and tell each other, including children, everything honestly and openly, you should not expect the teenager to pour out his soul to you.

Of course, ideal families and ideal parents do not exist. But in some aspects, it is enough to at least recognize the problem and think about whether you are asking too much of a teenager.

What to do if a teenager does not listen and does not follow the rules?

Most of the actions that are “wrong” from your point of view are committed by the teenager absolutely without any malicious intent. He's not bad at all, just vulnerable and agitated. Here it is important to distinguish between harsh, albeit unpleasant, actions (rude words, disobedience regarding clothing or the volume of music) and real rudeness and going beyond the bounds of decency (for example, coming home drunk). In the first case, it is enough to show without words that the child’s behavior upset you - after all, he is not evil, he still loves you and does not want to hurt you. This strategy will be more effective than comments and categorical instructions. If you see “evil intent” in a teenager’s behavior, a systematic pattern of committing unseemly acts, he is rude to you – such behavior must be nipped in the bud. Parents, of course, should be friends for their child, but at the same time authoritative, and not annoying “old men” who silently swallow insults. Feel what is happening in the soul of a teenager - after all, this is your child, you know him like no one else.

And most importantly, remember that adolescence ends sooner or later. Show wisdom and patience, and you will be able to maintain a warm and kind relationship with your child, and you will remember his teenage “freaks” with a smile!

Photo from Lori's photo bank