20 years ago, American writers Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider collected advice on how a woman can get the man of her dreams in their best-selling book. Since then, the feminist movement has been revived and strengthened, and such literature has received the label “sexist.” However, “New Rules” is still being republished and finds many fans and followers. What's the secret?
For years, gurus Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider have analyzed the behavior of happy people in personal life women - those who had many admirers, who got married successfully and were happy in their marriage. Oprah Winfrey called their best-selling book “Rules for Winning the Heart of the Man of Your Dreams” a phenomenon and twice invited the authors to her talk show. People magazine classified the book as a must-read, and glossy magazines named it the best publication about relationships. The authors assure: over the 20 years of the existence of the “Rules”, millions of women have been able to experience their absolute effectiveness. They received a relationship full of love and respect, which flowed into a happy and strong marriage. In New Rules, writers help modern women and girls communicate through Facebook, Skype, SMS, etc. and at the same time remain mysterious, support the hunter’s instinct in a man when there is so much “easy prey” around him, get married in an era when everyone lives in civil marriages and are in no hurry to take responsibility.
“Men love a challenge and lose interest when the object of this interest - and especially a woman - comes too easy for them.”
“The secret way to get a guy: be a challenge for him. Treat him as if you don't care about him,” urge Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider. In their opinion, it is necessary to create an atmosphere of mystery and make a man passionately desire to meet you, which is very rare these days. “The Rules is a way of communicating with any man (provided he is the first to start a conversation with you, in person or online) that makes him obsessed with you and ready for a serious relationship.”
How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams, According to Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider
Be a girl different from the rest and look like a girl different from the rest.
Do not approach a man first and do not start a conversation, do not call or write to a man first.
Don't ask men out via SMS social networks and in no other way.
Wait at least 4 hours before responding to a man's first message, and at least half an hour before responding to each subsequent message.
“We’ll talk/write later”: always finish everything first - and disappear from sight!
Do not respond to SMS or any other messages after midnight.
Don't accept an invitation to a Saturday date later than Wednesday. “Proper girls” lead busy lives. Surely you've already made your weekend plans before Thursday rolls around! If he invites you too late, don't reprimand him. Just say that you are very sorry, but you are busy.
Make yourself "invisible" for instant messaging. Even if nothing is happening in your life, you should not inform the guy about it by instantly responding to his messages. As with any other form of communication, he must wait for the opportunity to talk to you. To be interesting to you, he will have to work hard. Don’t deprive your man of this opportunity by immediately responding to messages and spending hours online! Remember, you have your own life (school, work, friends, hobbies, workouts and, hopefully, dates), and there is only 10 minutes left for chatting and no more. If a guy has a lot to tell you and a lot to ask, he can do it during a date!
Don't spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week with him.
Long-distance relationships: let him offer to communicate more often on Skype and visit you.
Don't text men first, ignore emoticons and winks on online dating sites.
Don't pay for dinner or buy his love in any way.
Don't do self-destructive things when dating married men. If he wants to see you, tell him to call you when he becomes single. And after that, no communication, forget him, say “next!” - and focus on finding men who are truly free.
Don't date a man who cancels your dates more than once.
Do not send a man anything that would be unpleasant to leave with him in the event of your separation.
Don't settle for one-night stands or meaningless relationships.
Don't rush to sleep with a man. " The right girl"makes the guy wait to help him fall in love with her, with her soul, with her essence - and not just with her body. The longer you delay intimacy, the longer he will be able to look after you, plan romantic encounters and dream about you. Men love challenges and don't appreciate anything that comes too easily to them, especially sex!
Don't date a man without commitment! If your relationship lasts more than a year and at the same time it is “correct” (you allowed the man to “chase you”, met him no more than 2-3 times a week, refused to spend vacations with him, did not move in with him), then most helped him fall in love with you and want to get married. A man wants to see you more and more. But if after a year of dating a man has not asked to marry him, you should tell him that you are a girl of an old-fashioned upbringing and are not going to date anyone forever. If he starts making excuses, suggest taking a break in the relationship. Ask him to think things through alone and call when he's ready to commit.
Child age: 19
What to do if your daughter doesn’t want to come home?
Hello! My daughter graduated from school with honors and went to study in another city. My husband and I were left to raise our second child, who was one year old. At first, everything was fine with my daughter, but because of her debt, she was expelled from the university. At first we scolded her, we were very upset that she was hiding problems with her studies. My daughter told us that we do not take her opinion into account and that we are too strict with her. In the summer she lived with a classmate, refusing to go home. I found a job and no longer contacted her on Skype. She re-entered another department based on her old results, the same university, and returned to the dormitory. We agreed that we would also send her money for food, but in return she would call again and write that she was fine. This worked for a few more months, but now she communicates less and less, hardly talks about her life and refuses to talk on Skype (we quarreled because of this). When I tried to find out the reason, my daughter at first kept silent, then burst into tears and said that it was fear of us, that everything would be like that summer, the same scandal. And I burst into tears myself and said all sorts of things (that her husband would snap and take her home, that we would completely cover her studies, let her sit with her brother at home, but under supervision, at least we would know what was wrong with her). Even that summer, she threatened that she would leave the family, earn money herself, and then we wouldn’t even hear a word about her life. Now my husband accuses me that she only wants money from us, so she called occasionally, as if under pressure. We are very worried about her, so we came up with all sorts of things, but she kept repeating that it was her fault and that we were not to blame. But it turned out that it was the other way around. And she avoids us as best she can. She says that everything is fine with her studies now, but we don’t believe her. And at the end of that quarrel she said: “That’s what I was talking about for now.” Tell me what to do? Until she reached adulthood, we gave her little freedom and did not allow her to stay out late. But that's normal. With her next to her good friends, the company is decent - they don’t smoke, drink or take drugs. We just don’t understand why she moved away so quickly and so much and why she doesn’t want to come home. Thank you.
Alexandra
Hello, Alexandra.
Your feelings of confusion, hurt and disappointment are understandable. The situation is not easy. And it is really very sad when their own children refuse to communicate with their parents. It is important at this moment to perceive these feelings as a signal that something needs to be changed in the relationship with your daughter. Yes, very often our children do not live up to our expectations, do not do what we want from them. But our desires and hopes are our vision of how they should live, and the vision of adult children may differ significantly from ours. And that's okay, because that's how their individuality is expressed.
In addition, any action gives rise to a reaction. The more you pressure and control, the more your daughter will resist. And this is a normal reaction for anyone. Even if you manage to force her to communicate with you, is such communication “through force” really what will suit you? I can imagine that you want the girl to want to call and talk to you herself. Think about what you can do to make her want it?
Your daughter is already a fully formed adult. You gave her everything you could in the previous years of upbringing. Next you need to come to terms with the fact that your parental role is over. This is a very difficult, but important stage of your parenting, when you need to let go of the child and recognize him as a separate adult. Now it’s best for you to change your position “from above” to a relationship on equal terms, that is, become a friend, not a controller. And the hardest thing to accept is that she is now responsible for her own safety. Perhaps it will help you to think that so far she has coped with this task perfectly, she is doing well.
Your main tasks for this moment There may be a decrease in control over your daughter and the restoration of her trust in you. Think about what prevents her from trusting you? After all, all the facts of her independent life indicate that she can be responsible, can solve her problems herself: she was expelled, but reinstated in her studies, found a job and a place to live, even if it was temporary. Remember what is the purpose of raising children? It’s not that they have to be under parental supervision all their lives. It's not that they never make mistakes. And it’s not even that they always get only “excellent” grades at the university. In my opinion, the tasks of parents are to teach children self-reliance, independence, responsibility, as well as teach them to correct their own mistakes and be successful in life using their knowledge. And for this they need freedom of action.
Instead of being afraid for the girl, you can be happy for her successes, sympathize with her difficulties and support her in her endeavors. Of course, this may not be easy for you at first. In order to rebuild in a positive way, you need to realize and accept your own feelings, as well as understand in response to what the desire to control your daughter appears within you. The book by Jill HINES and Alison BAVERSTOKE may give you some ideas.
However, often theoretical knowledge is not enough, since we cannot look at ourselves from the outside and see what mistakes we make. Therefore, I recommend that you seek a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist to understand how you can change your behavior and improve your relationship with your daughter. On our website you can find addresses of free ones in your city.
Anastasia Vyalykh,
Family psychologist
Psychologist David Copland on common dating mistakes men make and how to correct them
We all know that dating can be a lot of fun, a source of joy and satisfaction. They may just as well turn out to be a source of trouble, boredom or disappointment. Any date can end unsuccessfully.
Let's look at some common dating mistakes men make and explore ways to correct them.
MISTAKE ONE: HIS TALK IS BORING
He talks incessantly about science fiction, the history of fiber optics in telecommunications, sports, work, or other equally boring topics.
We already mentioned this problem when we talked about flirting, but a man can behave in exactly the same way on a date, that’s the question! When Paula went on a date with Mike for the first time, she had no idea that their meeting could turn out to be so unsuccessful. Not only did Mike talk non-stop, but his conversations were terribly boring. He mumbled and mumbled about the latest models computers and the amount of RAM, about their capabilities, about the speed of communication on the Internet, about the types of ports that are required for this, about the resolution of monitors and everything like that, until Paula realized that she was either going to scream or hit him , or will do it at the same time. How many times have you found yourself in a situation where, on a date, a man starts discussing a topic about which you know absolutely nothing and is completely uninteresting to you, and he talks and talks about it endlessly and never shuts up? We know that such situations happen all the time.
Why do men do this? Usually, most of them do not feel very comfortable in the company of a woman, therefore, not wanting to seem stupid, they talk about what they know best: about work or about sports, for example. First of all, remember that just because a guy seems boring, that doesn't mean he's no good, so don't automatically write him off. Have some compassion for the guy, but also have some compassion for your eardrums. You can switch to another topic, but remember that it is likely that he is having this boring conversation not because he wants to set the tone in the conversation, but because he is most likely excited and does not know what else to talk about. However, it is quite possible that it still meets your requirements. He talks and talks non-stop only because he wants to impress you, and not at all to bore you.
We advise you to be honest with your man and not be afraid to interrupt him by trying to move the conversation to another topic. He may not know that he is talking too much or that you are not interested in the topic. It's hard to tell what's going on in his head, and if you pretend to be interested, it will inspire him even more.
Look at this problem from the other side: in a sense, it’s good that he talks a lot. This will give you a chance to see how he reacts when you interrupt him. Some will apologize and switch to another topic, others will mutter something under their breath and also move on to another topic, and still others will be ashamed and will not even dare to look at you. And you will receive Additional information, which you can use when deciding whether you want to see this person again.
MISTAKE TWO: HE DOESN'T COME TO THE DATE
Our congratulations: he didn't come. This is good because it speaks volumes about his character. (To say “great” would be quite sarcastic.) Of course, this fact in itself is unpleasant, but it provides a good opportunity to practice the ability to cope with rejection, and that’s a good thing.
We hope that, as we advised, you have a backup plan for this eventuality. We advise you to give him only one more chance to improve (at most, two), and then put him on the black list of those who need to be avoided. Remember not to take it personally and wonder if it was the result of something wrong on your part.
The truth is that you don't know what happened. Maybe he forgot about the date, or his cat got sick and he had to go with him to the vet, or he got into a car accident, or he didn't show up for some other reason - you don't know.
If we lived in a perfect world, he would leave you a message on your answering machine with a deep apology and send you flowers as a consolation, but we are talking about the real world now, in which he may have difficulty coping with unexpected circumstances.
- If you're angry, don't call him until you've calmed down.
- After you have moved on from what happened a little, call him and ask him what happened.
- Don't yell or blame him, because doing so will only push him away. Often a woman scolds a man in her hearts, and then wonders why he avoids her.
- Let him justify himself first. If he good guy, he deserves it.
- You can leave one message on his answering machine, but you must communicate with him as soon as possible.
- If you are satisfied with his explanation, you can give him another chance.
- If he doesn’t come again, then your relationship with him should become history.
Letting a woman down is a clear sign that a man is dishonest, unreliable and cannot be relied upon in serious matters.
MISTAKE THREE: HE BEHAVIORS SO AWKWARDLY THAT YOU WANT TO PITY HIM
Yes, many men do not know how to have romantic conversations and do not know how to approach a woman. This could be a good sign. Most of the men with whom you want to establish a lasting relationship are not the slick and suave types. Good, honest, serious and hard-working guys are not mere seducers. They will often lose face, and this is normal, this can happen at any stage of the relationship. You need to get used to it. This doesn't necessarily mean that every guy who acts awkward around you is necessarily good or meets your standards. This means you shouldn't disqualify a guy just because he says something stupid or makes mistakes.
Give your man the opportunity to behave as he can, and if he is someone worth developing a relationship with, he will soon learn to behave romantically and affectionately with you. Forgiving him doesn't mean you're being forgiving or that you're putting up with abusive behavior, it means you're giving him room to improve and accommodating him when he tries to be romantic, even if he's a little awkward.
MISTAKE FOUR: HE BEGINS TO WORRY YOU TOO QUICKLY AND PERSISTENTLY
Lisa found Justin attractive and intriguing. She was twenty-three and a final year university student. Justin was in his early twenties and seemed shy. He had short hair blonde hair, muscular body and cute, childish face. She noticed him a few months ago and always flirted with him whenever she saw him in class or on campus. One day he invited her for a cup of coffee, and a few days later the date took place. It seemed to Lisa that Justin was acting standoffish during the meeting. He spoke little and seemed preoccupied. The date ended abruptly when Justin said he had to go to work. Lisa left the cafe with him. The moment they were outside, Justin suddenly grabbed her and started kissing her. Lisa reacted quickly: she slapped him in the face and ran away.
Some men may start hitting on you right away, and you should decide in advance how you will react to this. Most men will try to make the first step and maintain the speed of approach that you set. Your reaction depends on your requirements and what you ultimately want from a man. Justin, for example, deeply offended Lisa, and she promised herself to never date him again. If she had received some kind of sign in advance that Justin was going to kiss her, or if he had done it in a softer and more romantic way, Lisa might have allowed him to do it.
We repeat once again: you yourself must decide what will be offensive to you and to what extent you can consider yourself offended. Remember that a man may make the first move towards rapprochement because he misinterpreted your behavior. When he does something you don't think he should have done, it's up to you to decide whether you'll forgive him. Ultimately, it depends on how safe you feel in his company, how much you think he has crossed the line, and what you want to get from him.
Do you have anything to add? We will be glad to see your comment!
From the book by David Copland
“Classification of men by species and orders:
Complete periodic table for men
advantages and disadvantages"
Translation: Kotelnikov M.,
www.e-reading.link
It is impossible to force a person to do something, but you can make him want it himself. You are sitting at home and bored, and your boyfriend is, accordingly, at home, but somehow in no hurry to come. How to get him to come to you?
Does he need you?
If a guy once showed reluctance to come to you, there is no need to sound the alarm, but when this happens with enviable frequency, you should think about whether he really needs you? For a while, don’t try to get in touch with the guy yourself, and when he contacts you, don’t sort things out, let him start a conversation about it himself. If he doesn’t contact you, that means you can score on him.
Transform your appearance
Go to a beauty salon, for example, and then show or write to your loved one that you want to see him at your home so that he appreciates your new look. In less than half an hour he will be standing on your doorstep and complimenting your appearance. Again, if he doesn't show up, it's likely that he's not interested in you or your new look. Or he may just be very busy at work or somewhere else.
A good reason
“Because I want to see you” - such a reason for a man to come to you is no good, because you will most likely be refused. No, if a guy is crazy about you, head over heels in love, he will come to you at the first call, with or without reason. But in another case, the reason must be really compelling. For example, say that the computer with important work information (or maybe the car that you took to the service center) has broken down, and you don’t understand it well. When the guy comes, say that you took it to a computer service center because you remembered that the warranty period had not yet expired. Apologize for your alleged bad memory so that he doesn’t get offended, otherwise men can do it.
Don't get caught
If you use the computer trick mentioned above, then the computer should not be in your home, even hidden. Just give it to your neighbors for a while. Have you come up with a story about a car? Then take it to a service center - preventative maintenance won't hurt. And if you don’t have a car, but you know how to drive, then you can always say later that you sold it, and everything will be covered.
Romance
Invite your loved one for a romantic dinner, saying that you will take care of everything yourself, and let him buy a bottle of wine. And don’t be sad if you’re not good at cooking, because you can order food in a restaurant. Expensive? But a romantic dinner for your loved one is not an everyday meal.