I don’t want to have any more children, what should I do? Why it's normal not to want children? Receive money “out of thin air”, i.e. passive income

15.11.2021

A woman does not have to have children to feel happy. But for many, this phrase still sounds like the height of selfishness and stupidity. If a woman does not see herself as a mother, can she fully realize herself?

Today, a woman can be both a mother and a professional. Sometimes her life is so busy that she begins to perceive the unborn child as ballast. It deprives you of peace, upsets your plans, and brings a lot of unnecessary expenses and inconveniences into your life. Many people allow themselves to talk about this out loud. For example, childfree (English: “free from children”) are men and women who deliberately abandoned children.

On women's forums you can meet aggressive supporters of this trend; they feel real hatred for children - most often the result of deep personal complexes.

But most childfree people get along well with nephews and children of friends, like, say, actress Eva Longoria. For various reasons, they simply do not see themselves as parents. Sometimes that decision can change, as in the case of musician and two-time dad Robbie Williams.

Family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova is confident that most women have a need for motherhood and there is no need to make a tragedy happen because someone simply does not want to give birth.

“Happiness is when a person feels fulfilled in all areas of life that are significant to him. And it is important that everyone has their own areas. What games did you like to play as a child - daughter-mother, artist, astronaut, doctor? Imagine that the mother decides: the girl should only play daughter-mother. Well, her daughter is not interested in this game! And they tell her: don’t trust your feelings, every woman should become a mother.

Needless to say, a woman can be needed not only by a child

In my practice, I have met women who refused to have children, at least in the foreseeable future. And they felt completely happy when they realized what their “favorite games” were. The result of psychotherapy in this case is the opportunity to choose. Sometimes it is the destruction of a rigid program. Is this good for society? Probably still good. A happy society consists of happy citizens."

Raising a child is a job like any other, you can be successful in it or not. Not all women really love children, even those who have them. So is it worth giving birth if you don’t want to, just because “you have to” or “it will be too late”? Will such a woman succeed in the role of a mother, will she be happy?

Elena is an experienced mother and is sure that happy woman It’s not so much the child himself who does it, but a sense of need: “In the first years of a baby’s life, the mother understands that the baby can’t get along without her. Your child needs her 24 hours a day. Even with all the troubles, it brings true happiness. But children grow up, and any mother can feel devastated. It’s creeping up on me now that my daughter is a teenager. I think this is why most women begin to demand grandchildren from their children - to again experience a sense of importance. But needless to say that a woman can be needed not only by a child.

If she is an actress, the audience needs her, if she is a writer, her readers need her, if she is a doctor, her patients need her. At the same time, she may not need children at all to be happy. I think this is quite normal. Only when a woman is no longer needed does she become unhappy.”

“I know women who felt unhappy raising children. Their relationships with their children improved markedly as they began to understand and satisfy their own needs and desires. To do this, it is not at all necessary to give up children. You just need to pamper yourself sometimes just like your beloved child,” adds Elena Ulitova.

To be happy means not just to give birth, but to feel harmonious in this role

Of course, motherhood can be combined with a career or creativity, if you really want to - such examples are also known to everyone. Angelina Jolie - mother of many children and a sought-after actress.

Jungian psychology calls for paying attention to the word “happiness” in the Russian language. This is the connection of parts into a whole. Consequently, happy is the person who has overcome internal conflicts and has come to know his different sides.

“Childbearing is not only a woman’s biological and socially imposed destiny. Most women also see their moral and spiritual duty in it, says Jungian psychoanalyst Lev Khegai. - Modern society allows for the realization of a woman through symbolic “children”: creativity, business and other fruits of activity.

However, the inability to bear children is perceived by a woman as a fatal deformity. This can be compared to a disability when a person is missing a leg or arm. Working through the inferiority complex can save a woman from suffering due to the lack of children.”

As a result of psychotherapy, a woman may decide that in the near future she will be better off without children, or, on the contrary, change her point of view in their favor. The key word here is “choice”. Perhaps only self-confidence and the right choice can make us happy.

How to answer the question why you don’t have children?

Anyone who has consciously chosen a life without children is offended by such questions. It’s as if what the questioner really means is: why aren’t you like the rest of us? Journalist Anna Goldfarb ponders what to answer in this case.

“We don't want to try anymore. »

Svetlana and Anton (44 and 52 years old) wanted a child. But we were faced with psychologically caused infertility. After three years of trying to conceive using modern reproductive technology, they decided to stop.

"I don't want more children..."

Alas, this is reality. Young women who get married tend to avoid pregnancy. And we’re not just talking about laywomen. Orthodox women doubt whether they should have children...

A letter from Natalia came to the Internet forum of the Thomas magazine, which touched on a difficult topic - what to do if, considering yourself a Christian, you don’t want more children? And how many children should there be? Orthodox family? Natalia's letter gave rise to a heated discussion among readers - believers and those far from the Church, even those who have a negative attitude towards religion as such.

We want to introduce you to their opinions and the priest’s commentary, since such questions are usually addressed to the confessor.

Help me understand myself. The thing is, I don't want more children. I now have a nine-month-old daughter. The question is not just urgent - for health reasons, I still can’t get pregnant in the next two or three years - but in general. I know that for a Christian, refusing to have children is a sin. But I don’t want more children, I’m scared to even think about it. And it’s not that the first child was difficult - he was sick and capricious. On the contrary, everything is fine. But I can not.

I'm wrong. I love working, I like it a thousand times more than sitting at home with a child. Of course, I still work from home, but it’s a little difficult. And if I don't work, I feel like my life is wasted. All the words that motherhood is a woman’s highest work do not convince me: I know very well that as a professional I am much better. But at the same time, I am a responsible mother, I try to do a lot with my child. I also can’t just give up on raising my daughter and leave my daughter with a nanny or grandmother (and, to be honest, there’s no one else). And after the torment of trying to establish breastfeeding, I’m scared to even think about the fact that I will have to feed the next child again...

Maybe I have this attitude because I just grew up with a housewife mother (a forced housewife - illness forced me to leave work). And it didn’t make anyone any better, neither me nor her. My parents lived together for 42 years, three children... And I always thought that I wanted three or four children, that’s what’s funny. That’s why I now have a “scenario conflict” - if I was initially set on one, the problem would not have arisen. And suddenly it turned out that I couldn’t, that I felt like I was in prison.

No joy, constant thoughts of suicide... What is happening to me? Apparently, I’m simply not suited for motherhood - but how can this be combined with religion, because this is selfishness? At the same time, you still want children, that’s the horror.

P.S. Clarification: when I write that I don’t want more children, we are talking about a “conscious”, planned pregnancy. If pregnancy occurs by chance, unexpectedly, of course, there will be no interruption, I will give birth and I will even be happy about it, oddly enough.

What do you think about it? Please advise something. Natalia (The name of the author of the letter has been changed. - Ed.)

Priest Igor Fomin, priest of the Church of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God on Red Square:

— Hello, Natalia! I found your letter very interesting, it is full of sincerity and a call for help.

But I will not give instructions: “Don’t give birth! From such good mom it won’t work” or: “Give birth! This is what a real mother should be like.” No canons say exactly how many children should be born, one or twenty. Everything here is very individual. Orthodoxy is a religion of freedom. But it is important that our freedom does not become a temptation for others. As the Apostle Paul said: “Everything is lawful for me, but not everything is profitable” (1 Cor. 6:12).

Let's look at the cause of your problem. Since you asked this question, it means that it worries you. Every person has a conscience - a speaker through which the Lord speaks to you. This means that your conscience is uneasy, and something needs to be changed.

Faith and religion: what's the difference?

In one of the reviews on the forum, the phrase was said that religion is like a fifth leg to you. This means that a person does not understand why faith is needed and considers it only a list of burdensome rules. If you treat faith this way, it really becomes a hated burden. There are, they say, rules of etiquette, traffic, but there are religious rules.

So let's first agree on terms. We can say that faith and religion are two different levels spiritual life. Religion is the outward expression of a person's faith. Religious people live by the letter of the law, they know the rules, go to church, confess and take communion, and keep fasts. But all this happens for them as if in parallel to their main life. It’s as if they are skiing down the hill of life and trying to maneuver, to fit into the gates of morality. You can be religious all your life, but never become a Christian.

Believers are those to whom the Lord came. They differ from others in that they are filled with life, light, and love. It’s nice to be around them, even just to be silent together. There is something unearthly about believers; they become above morality (I mean our secular, earthly morality), above ethics and worldly principles. They have it, but they are already beyond it. They can voluntarily sacrifice something of themselves for the sake of the main thing. Children can serve as an example here.

A small child, wherever you take him, will find something to do and figure out how to entertain himself. The child is full of joy, no matter how strict you are with him. A minute later, wiping away his tears, he grabs your hand: “Come on quickly! There is a very important matter there. We need to build a city in the sandbox.”

You write that if the Lord sends you unplanned pregnancy, then you won’t have an abortion. And thank God that you have such thoughts and strong religious foundations. I think you are more of a believer, but apparently you have driven yourself into the moral and ethical framework of religiosity. A person realizes that he is committing a sin, thinks that now he will not be saved, and falls into despair.

The paradox of having many children

From my own experience and the experience of many families I know, I can say the following about having many children. Care with one child is one, with two - one multiplied by 1.25, and with three - even less. That is, with each child you have less and less problems, less and less worries - such a paradox.

Children in large families from the very beginning early age They grow up independent and learn to think about others. If you ask mothers with many children, they will say that a family begins with three children. One child is selfish, two children always fight with each other, and three are already normal people. They rush around too much with one, they don’t know how to handle him, the child becomes a kind of king. The two always painfully divide everything between themselves, starting with mom. And when there are three children, all the distortions are usually smoothed out. Mom doesn't divide into three.

I think what depresses you is precisely the fact that you always knew that you would be a mother of many children. In general, a woman has great potential, as one of the respondents on the forum noted - about 20-25 children. And a woman who gives birth little or not at all must realize these body forces somewhere. That’s why we now see “iron” business women... You are a professional in your field. But if you had 3-4 children, this professionalism would only increase. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If parents take care of their children, they absorb their experience and character traits. But one child... oddly enough, he, as a rule, does not adopt the good principles of his parents. Everyone can test this for themselves, because we are the generation from “ single-parent families", where there are one or two children.

The main goal of a Christian is to be saved. And the Lord gave us the means of salvation, weapons, like warriors. And the outcome of the battle depends on how we use these means. If we treat our children badly, it’s a minus for us, if we’re lazy at work, that’s also a minus, and so on. And if we have harmony in life, this is only a plus; we need a golden mean in everything. By the way, many priests advise young mothers to work as best they can, including at home, so as not to get hung up on the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Yes, it is not easy to balance family and work. And no one promised that it would be easy. If you came to church and became a believer, this does not mean that all the problems in your life have now been solved. The temple is not a social services office. No, the problems will remain - the attitude towards them will change.

The fact that your daughter is not sick or capricious is wonderful and rare in our nervous times. I hope that if you maintain peace and tranquility in your soul, then other children, if they appear, will become the same peaceful people. For example, there are three children in our family. And they are also very calm. Probably because my mother is a wonderful, quiet person. When the children were little, we didn’t even know when they were cutting teeth, they were so calm.

If we talk about the concepts of “bad mother” and “good mother”, these concepts are relative. We shouldn't judge others, but we shouldn't judge ourselves either. This is God's work. We can acknowledge our sins, know that we are not perfect, and try to correct our mistakes. But it’s not worth falling into despair, saying, “Oh, I’ll go to hell...”. It seems to me that a person should first of all see in his life not sin, but the mercy of God. Sin is already a consequence of how we abuse this grace. If all our attention is focused on ourselves, on our sins, where is the place for the Lord, His love for us?

“We want to give the child the best!”

Today, many women are wondering whether it is worth giving birth if we live in such difficult times. Believe me, the Lord very wisely distributes everything necessary for each person. As many as you can carry, there will be as many children. It is very important to trust God here. This does not mean going with the flow and doing nothing. No, this is a state when you accept everything that happens to you without complaining to God. When you know how to enjoy your life and not be sad. Whatever the period of your life - light or dark - you realize that this is the best thing that could happen to you. Now you are faced with a necessary life test. This does not mean that you have to give up: “Lord, I trust You, work for me.” No, learn everything you can, prepare. But which ticket you get is no longer up to you. Trust God and push through.

Look how happy parents with many children are or those who have family orphanages. And they most often have little money; the younger children wear out the clothes and shoes for the older ones. One of the comments said: “Why create poverty?” In fact, this is not true at all. They say there isn't enough money to raise children? I can answer that there is usually never enough money. Poverty and wealth are themselves relative concepts. There are people who have little money, but they are rich because, according to Adamych from the film “Old New Year": "What is there? What do you need? What do you need? What is there?” Unfortunately, there are also opposite examples: there is a lot of money, but there is no happiness and satisfaction.

Expectant parents often say, “We want to provide the best for our child. And we won’t give birth yet. Or - we want to live for ourselves.” They use contraception or have abortions. And often these are quite wealthy families. They think it is better to kill the child in the womb. I am surprised by people who cry over the murdered children in Beslan, and who themselves have abortions. Several hundred children died there, but how many abortions are performed a year in Russia? Isn't this murder? It’s just that grief is visible, but this one is seemingly invisible. We must love not only the affected children, but also our own, whom we can really help.

Natalia, at the end of our conversation I wanted to tell you one more thing. Firstly, it is very important to be able to enjoy household chores. It is quite possible. I will give an example from the same forum of the Foma magazine. One young mother found herself at home with her child for a long time. First she climbed the wall, and then she started working on the house. I started baking pies according to different recipes, sewed curtains, and resumed piano lessons. She gained an interest in life, and the house became much more comfortable. She did not look back, but learned to navigate this situation. And most importantly, remember that all these small household chores can express not longing for a “free” life, but love for loved ones.

Secondly, you don’t have to feel like a victim of your home routine. Let something sometimes turn out to be unfinished. It’s great when mom can find time to go on a visit or just take a walk in the park, sit on a bench and eat ice cream, relax and think. Then the fatigue will pass, and the house and children will be a joy.

Recorded it Merkulova Elena

MS Note. I would answer - if you don’t want to give birth, don’t give birth!

The desire to have more children is a natural desire of a harmonious and kind person.

There are people and families whose multiplication is, in principle, undesirable for society, because they carry destructive patterns of behavior. Moreover, it is these behavior patterns that self-limit the growth of these families. If they find the strength for the better, overcome their own selfishness, become aware of disharmonious patterns of behavior, specific family passions, then such people will have a desire to have many children.

Therefore, I think this answer from the priest is off topic. To answer such a question, one should think about the psychological reasons that cause hostility towards children, and not think about how good it is to have many children.

What to do if you don't want to work

Until a certain moment, it didn’t even occur to me that it was possible not to work. Work seemed to me an inevitable, ordinary stage of life, like school. Therefore, I honestly finished school, went to university and studied a boring economics major with grades 4 and 5. I already clearly saw my boring life as an accountant, the bustle of life and the dreary years before retirement.

In my third year, I started working part-time on the Internet, then my articles began to bring in good income and I realized that I didn’t want to work “offline” at all and that I could make money in a way that was comfortable for me. You can also find suitable option not to work.

What to do if I don’t want to work

First you need to understand the reasons for this reluctance and, depending on them, look for a way out:

Temporary laziness— in general, I like my job and don’t want to radically change my life, but after a day off or vacation it’s difficult to pull myself together and get to work. For this case, I have a separate article “how to make yourself work”; there are very effective methods there.
Overwork or “I don’t have time to do anything”- work non-stop without days off, breaks at work and at home for a long time. It is very easy to determine this condition, because bad mood, laziness, apathy and reluctance to do something extends not only to work, but also to other aspects of life (cooking, cleaning, children, husband, walks, hobbies). I just want to lie on my bed all day, stare mindlessly at the ceiling and do nothing. You need to get rid of this condition in the near future, before it turns into depression - take a vacation, slow down, learn time management and manage your time wisely. If necessary, change jobs if you understand that the work rhythm is beyond your capabilities.
Low salary, quarrelsome team, inconvenient location- in general, any claims that relate exclusively to one specific location. There can be any options, literally one person can be annoying and it makes you not want to work. Then, if there is no way to solve the problem on the spot (talk about a salary increase, improve relationships, rent an apartment closer), you should just start looking new job. But it’s better to look for work at the same time, especially when there’s a crisis.
Hateful work hours and mornings— early rises in the dark, quick breakfast, drive to work and back during rush hour traffic jams, return in the evening and after a couple of hours you already need to go to bed. There is simply no time left for life! IN in this case It is worth paying attention to part-time or home-based work. Part-time positions are suitable - work for 4 hours at a time convenient for you. This way you can both earn money and live in a manner convenient for you.
Vanity and inconvenient rhythm of life— in principle, this is the same as in the previous version, but it is more relevant for active or, on the contrary, very slow people who cannot keep up with the speed of their colleagues. Energetic people have many plans besides work, but due to their busy schedule they have to miss exhibitions, meetings, interesting events. For such people, work with a flexible schedule is suitable - you are given a task for, say, a week and during this time you need to complete the work. This way you can very flexibly adjust your working hours to suit your personal needs. Be sure to pay attention to freelancing and remote work.
I don't want to work in an office— our parents often sought to work in offices to avoid exhausting work at the factory. But those days are gone and now more than half of workers spend hours in offices. Some modern people are simply dying of boredom - there is not enough work, they just have to formally serve the allotted hours or do meaningless work shuffling papers. You can take your free time personal interests— read a book, draw, study information about your hobby, write a thesis, or simply communicate on social networks. If work takes up everything free time, but it is meaningless, then it is worth changing your field of activity to something more useful or creative. What exactly is up to you.

I don't want to work for someone else's uncle

Few people want to spend their life enriching another person, their hated boss. Just the thought of this is enough to make you lose all desire to go to work to get crumbs from the company's multimillion-dollar profits. You are just a cog in a huge mechanism, which is lubricated only so that it continues to work, and at the first problems you are ready to replace it. Gloomy thoughts, but there is a way out.

If this situation scares or annoys you, just become the boss! When you start doing your own thing, which you love and know, the desire to work does not leave you. After all, you understand perfectly well that your income depends on your efforts, you cannot stop.

But here other difficulties arise - you need an idea, hard work, maybe an initial investment, and it’s also desirable useful connections. However, you can also find cheap options for a small business, so as not to work for your uncle:

There are other reasons for not wanting to work, but usually they can be solved one way or another: change your job, change your field of activity, find a half-day job, with a flexible schedule, part-time, or do work from home. But I still recommend paying attention to working on the Internet - it will help you earn money at home.

But there is another group of people who are familiar with the problems described above, but the solution to “find another way to make money” is absolutely not suitable. Just because I don’t feel like working.

What to do if I don’t want to work AT ALL

I will say right away that I will not describe the methods of “how to sit on the neck of your loved ones” - living at the expense of your parents until old age, finding a rich husband for the sake of money, becoming a gigolo, constantly asking everyone you know for money and strangers and so on. I don’t even consider all such ways to get money, because in my opinion it’s low.

The exception is families in which a joint decision was made for the husband to provide for the family, and the wife to take care of the house and raise the children. Because it is impossible to work fully and at the same time remain an ideal mother. Some area will always suffer. But this decision must be made jointly by the husband and wife, depending on their views and financial situation.

For women, there is one way out of the endless whirlwind - to give birth to a child and go on maternity leave. Of course, you shouldn’t do this just to take a little break from everyday work, because this will only make the situation worse.

1. Receive money “out of thin air”, i.e. passive income

Passive income- this is money that goes to your account regardless of your actions. You can spend a week on the beach, and the influx of finances will not stop. It sounds like something out of a fairy tale, but before that magical moment you will need to put in a lot of hard work and investment.

All methods of passive income are described in this article.

In my opinion, the best passive income is to create your own website. This option is not suitable for everyone, because not everyone knows how to write articles or does not want to devote time to its development. And income does not appear immediately, but only after six months or a year. Some people are not willing to wait that long to receive their reward. It's a pity.

A letter from Natalia * came to the Internet forum of the magazine “Thomas”, where a difficult topic was touched upon - what to do if you, considering yourself a Christian, do not want more children? And how many children should there be in an Orthodox family? Natalia's letter gave rise to a heated discussion among readers - believers and those far from the Church, even those who have a negative attitude towards religion as such.

We want to introduce you to their opinions and the priest’s commentary, since such questions are usually addressed to the confessor.

Letter to the editor

Help me understand myself. The thing is, I don't want more children. I now have a nine-month-old daughter. The question is not so much urgent - due to my health, I still can’t get pregnant in the next two or three years - but in general. I know that for a Christian, refusing to have children is a sin. But I don’t want more children, I’m scared to even think about it. And it’s not that the first child was difficult - he was sick and capricious. On the contrary, everything is fine. But I can not.

No joy, constant thoughts of suicide... What's happening to me? Apparently, I’m simply not fit for motherhood - but how can this be combined with religion, because this is selfishness? At the same time, you still want children, that’s the horror.

P.S. Clarification: when I write that I don’t want more children, we are talking about a “conscious”, planned pregnancy. If pregnancy occurs accidentally, unexpectedly, of course, there will be no interruption, I will give birth and I will even be happy about it, oddly enough.

What do you think about it? Please advise something.

Natalia

Priest Igor FOMIN,

priest of the Church of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God on Red Square

Hello, Natalia! I found your letter very interesting, it is full of sincerity and a call for help.

But I will not give instructions: “Don’t give birth! Such a good mother will not make a good mother” or: “Give birth! This is what a real mother should be like.” No canons say exactly how many children should be born, one or twenty. Everything here is very individual. Orthodoxy is a religion of freedom. But it is important that our freedom does not become a temptation for others. As the Apostle Paul said: “Everything is lawful for me, but not everything is profitable” (1 Cor. 6:12).

Faith and religion: what's the difference?

So let's first agree on terms. We can say that faith and religion are two different levels of spiritual life. Religion is the outward expression of a person's faith. Religious people live by the letter of the law, they know the rules, go to church, confess and take communion, and keep fasts. But all this happens for them as if in parallel to their main life. It’s as if they are skiing down the hill of life and trying to maneuver, to fit into the gates of morality. You can be religious all your life, but never become a Christian.

You write that if the Lord sends you an unplanned pregnancy, you will not have an abortion. And thank God that you have such thoughts and strong religious foundations. I think you are more of a believer, but apparently you have driven yourself into the moral and ethical framework of religiosity. A person realizes that he is committing a sin, thinks that now he will not be saved, and falls into despair.

The paradox of having many children

Children in large families grow up independent from a very early age and learn to think about others. If you ask mothers with many children, they will say that a family begins with three children. One child is selfish, two children always fight with each other, and three are already normal people. They rush around too much with one, they don’t know how to handle him, the child becomes a kind of king. The two always painfully divide everything between themselves, starting with mom. And when there are three children, all the distortions are usually smoothed out. Mom doesn't divide into three.

I think what depresses you is precisely the fact that you always knew that you would be a mother of many children. In general, a woman has great potential, as one of the respondents on the forum noted - about 20-25 children. And a woman who gives birth little or not at all must realize these body forces somewhere. That’s why we now see “iron” business women... You are a professional in your field. But if you had 3–4 children, this professionalism would only increase. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If parents take care of their children, they absorb their experience and character traits. But one child... oddly enough, he, as a rule, does not adopt the good principles of his parents. Everyone can test this for themselves, because we are a generation from “single-parent families” with one or two children.

“We want to give the child the best!”

Look how happy parents with many children are or those who have family orphanages. And they most often have little money; the younger children wear out the clothes and shoes for the older ones. One of the comments said: “Why create poverty?” In fact, this is not true at all. They say there isn't enough money to raise children? I can answer that there is usually never enough money. Poverty and wealth are themselves relative concepts. There are people who have little money, but they are rich because, in the words of Adamych from the film “Old New Year”: “What do they have? What do you need? What do you need? What is there?” Unfortunately, there are also opposite examples: there is a lot of money, but there is no happiness and satisfaction.

Expectant parents often say, “We want to provide the best for our child. And we won’t give birth yet. Or – we want to live for ourselves.” They use contraception or have abortions. And often these are quite wealthy families. They think it is better to kill the child in the womb. I am surprised by people who cry over the murdered children in Beslan, and who themselves have abortions. Several hundred children died there, but how many abortions are performed a year in Russia? Isn't this murder? It’s just that grief is visible, but this one is seemingly invisible. We must love not only the affected children, but also our own, whom we can really help.

Recorded by Elena MERKULOVA

She understood that such an answer would seem strange, so she simply laughed and told the doctor that she was not yet ready to give birth to a second child. Although what she really meant was that she was never ready. She still looked like she was pregnant, her hormones made her cry from any nonsense like a late pizza delivery, and in two weeks she managed to sleep no more than 10 minutes at a time. Together with her husband, they decided that one child was enough for them.

Time did not force them to change their minds. Recently, journalist Lauren Brown West-Rosenthal wrote a candid piece about her firm decision not to have any more children.

“My pregnancy affected me a lot. It's been 21 months since giving birth, and I still can't get my hormones and metabolism in order. In my daughter's first months, I was very nervous and lost my job and entered the world of freelancing. Being torn between a child and work is not best activity for a young mother. My husband works as a doctor, he has three night shifts a week and he could not sometimes replace me at night when the baby was crying. Motherhood turned out to be a difficult balancing act with a huge number of responsibilities, which I could not come to terms with. Perhaps because I always doubted that I could become someone’s mother.

When I was 28, I visited best friend in the hospital after the birth of her first child. The nurse came in with this little crying bundle in her arms and left it for us. I was sure that she would soon return - this is a helpless baby who was born a couple of hours ago, it’s her job to take care of these! But while I was nervously thinking about it, my friend just changed his diaper and started breastfeeding as if it was all no big deal. Her innate instinct did its job as my whole life flashed before my eyes. “I guess I can do without children,” I decided on the way home. I could travel, stay up late and not have the stress of being responsible for someone else's life.

At 31 I met my husband. It took us some time to decide to become parents. But somewhere between getting engaged and our first wedding anniversary, my maternal instinct took over—one that was completely absent when I visited a friend in the hospital. I suddenly realized that I wanted a child. My husband will be an incredible father to him. We both decided that we would regret it if we didn't at least try to get pregnant. When the test came back positive, we were happier than we had ever been in our lives. Despite the constant nerves and worries, motherhood turned out to be something natural for me. I enjoyed breastfeeding Mila and was (and still am) amazed at her new skills and accomplishments. My husband and I created a living being that grows, changes and makes us happy every day. Our family has become complete.

And just as instinctively as I realized that I was ready to have a child, now I understand that we will not have any more children. My husband and I came to this decision absolutely simultaneously: we are ready to live our lives as a family of three.

We were both the oldest children in our families, with two younger siblings. And we saw how difficult it was for parents to balance between children, paying attention to each. Even now, when everyone has matured, there is a feeling of resentment if parents do something for only one of their children. We love and respect our parents, but we are not ready to put ourselves in the same position

Communicating with other mothers, I realized that we are alone in our decision. All conversations proceed approximately according to this scenario: first, everyone shares their stories about childbirth, then they discuss maternal concerns and fears (mine does not sleep at night, mine constantly cries, etc.) and, finally, they come to plans for the birth of the next children. It never ceases to amaze me how most women are already sure of this and can say something like “I want three children, two years apart in age, but I don’t want to give birth in the winter, so we’ll try this holidays...”.

I usually honestly admit that we only want one child, but at the same time we admit that anything can happen. It's easier than having to deal with raised eyebrows and nodding when someone says we'll change our minds when Mila gets older. I haven't had my tubes tied, and my husband hasn't had a vasectomy (male sterilization), so yes, anything can happen, but it's still unlikely.

But one day they asked me about it personally.

There is a child in the same group as Mila whose mother is trying to get pregnant again. And she started asking other parents if they were trying too, and if not now, then when? And I directly told her that I was not trying and had no intention of ever doing this, to which the woman practically fell at my feet, begging me to reconsider. She said that when her baby was six months old, she and her husband discussed the possibility of stopping, but then their views changed, which means mine will change, she promises.

What exactly are you promising? 24/7 assistance? Financial security? A cure for stress? A big house and a work schedule that can be combined with kids? That my pregnancy will go without complications? (nothing bothered me for the entire 9 months, however, I had to do an emergency caesarean, as if in the series “Grey’s Anatomy”).

But this aggressive woman was just the beginning. Every person, from a taxi driver to a distant acquaintance, is trying to convince me that having one child is selfish, unfair to my daughter and more shocking than if I said I didn’t want to have children at all. I suspect that these people themselves are not sure of their desire to continue giving birth and are projecting their anxiety and uncertainty onto me. Otherwise, how would they know how many children I really want to have?

Mila is growing, and, of course, there are days when it seems to me that she will only benefit from the appearance younger brother. But it means going through the stress of conception, pregnancy and the unpredictability of life with a newborn again. And this is not what my husband and I want. Despite the fact that we cannot remember how we lived before Mila was born, we know exactly what we want our future to look like, and there is definitely not another child there.

If you don’t want more children and don’t know what to say to mothers with many children, simply say: “It’s good for you, but not for me.” One day, no less than five of my friends announced that they were expecting a second child. Some of these pregnancies were planned, some were the result of multiple attempts, and some were shocking news for these couples. But I didn't tell anyone that they would regret having a second child, that they should be more careful, or that they would be happier with one child. I simply sincerely congratulated them, hoping that after the addition they would feel their families complete, just as we felt when our only daughter was born.

From time immemorial, the purpose of creating any family was the birth and education of heirs.

Those who did not adhere to this “algorithm” were considered losers and selfish. The fact is that, despite the happiness that comes to the house with the birth of a baby, during this period there are a large number of life changes and difficulties.

Of course, childbirth is a great process, thought out to the smallest detail by nature for the continuation of the human race. However, there are a huge number of people who consider themselves to be in the group of so-called childfree (from the English “child” - child, “free” - freedom).

You shouldn’t hang any labels on them or cast sidelong glances in their direction. We need to understand the reasons for this decision. This is what we will try to do.

Why don't I want children?

1 Career comes first! Moving up the career ladder, a person occupies a solid social position and achieves financial well-being.

And of course, in order to stay at the peak of your success, you need to choose between your career and your child.

Many people stop at the first point in order to fully concentrate their attention on it, without being distracted by the second.

2 Financial insecurity. Some people somehow make ends meet on their own, not to mention having a baby. They are motivated by the fact that they do not want them to grow up in poverty.

This is true: children need financial assistance for a very long time. Basically until they start working.

But it also happens that parents support their children throughout their lives.

3 Protest against population growth. It is known that the number of people on our planet has increased greatly in recent years.

Therefore, some families do not want to contribute to this process.

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And there are people who believe that it is better to adopt an orphan than to give birth to your own.

4 Satisfaction with your life. When the family has already built its ideal life, it does not want to change it, adjusting it to the newly born little person.

These people are comfortable in the state they are in now. And the communication they get from each other and from friends is enough for them.

5 As a child, someone was the older brother or sister in a large family.

Hence, the absence of childhood, since a lot of time had to be spent caring for the youngest. And now these people want to live for their own pleasure.

And they only have mediocre communication with children: with the “dolls” of friends or relatives.

6 Lack of love in the parental family. For this reason, people are afraid that they will not be able to give their children a decent upbringing, since they did not receive the necessary example in their family. They are also afraid that their future children will feel unwanted.

7 Dislike for children. Many people don't want to have their own children because they don't like children in general. They get irritated by everything that concerns little people.

Such people cannot behave tolerantly of children's whims. They are disgusted with the life of any parent. And they simply don’t want to take responsibility for someone else’s life.

8 Uncomfortable stay in the world. There are people who are overly susceptible to anxiety, nervous disorders and have a bunch of complexes. Often they don’t want to “share” their problems with their own offspring, so they give up the idea of having one.

After all, everyone knows that children copy the behavior of their parents and over time begin to think like them.

9 Human isolation. There are introverted individuals who categorically do not accept the company of people. They need a lot of time to be alone with their thoughts and feelings.

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And with the arrival of a baby in the house, this time is catastrophically reduced.

Undoubtedly, this character trait does not always entail an isolated existence, but does not exclude it.

10 Nomadic lifestyle. If people constantly travel, whether for work or leisure, they cannot provide stability for their child. And not wanting to change anything in their lives, they give up the idea of continuing their family line.

11 Worries about pregnancy and childbirth. Many women are frightened by the dramatic changes in the body that occur during these periods. Sometimes these fears develop into phobias associated with doctors and hospitals.

12 Animal Fans. For these people, the most important creature in life is their pet.

Often it replaces a child with it, so there is no talk about the birth of a real baby.

Moreover, pets are less whimsical and more independent than children.

13 Reluctance to be with each other for the sake of the children. When a child is born, the couple becomes bound forever, because even if they separate, they will have a common being that binds them.

And they will subsequently have to meet or call each other to solve any problems that arise related to the child.

To avoid this, some people prefer to do without children in the family.

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