Hello, I'm completely confused. It so happened that my mother has been controlling me in everything all my life, sometimes to the point of
the smallest things. She cares about every aspect of my life. Everything is truly EVERYTHING without exaggeration. Eg,
After talking on the phone, she asks who called. An SMS arrives, she asks who is writing and why.
Corresponding to in social networks, she asks who I'm talking to. And I'm eighteen years old... But it's not hers
excites. Her own life and her interests are reduced to a minimum: she does not like her work, does not
gets carried away, watches everything on TV, is always dissatisfied with her relationship with her dad and finds fault with him
With or without cause, he throws tantrums.
But she takes an active part in my life. She has a pedagogical education, and when I studied at
school, she specifically came to work at the same school in order to control me in everything. She doesn't even
let me go on school trips, moreover, she inspired me all my life that I was not like everyone else
other peers, that with my inability to adapt it will be difficult for me in life, and therefore I must do everything
rely on her.
When adolescence, full of teenage complexes, passed, I realized that this was not so. I have repeatedly
I asked her to stop paying me such close attention, but it was all to no avail.
She seems to know everything about my life, but at the same time she knows nothing. I can't trust her, she just
dictator, she never asked my opinion on anything. Often when we are in a store with her (for example, clothes)
We buy something for me, the sellers ask her: “Does the girl herself like it?” Really, why me
ask...
I graduated from school, entered university, and had a boyfriend. I like him very much, he likes me too, but I
I can’t imagine what I can tell a mother like mine about him. I don't think I have a bad mother, but I
I'm afraid, I'm afraid.
A couple of years ago I had a boyfriend from my same school. Mom then arranged a survey and interrogation, asked her friends
teachers, what a boy, constantly tried to turn me against him, only SUSPECTING him of something, even
despite the fact that her teacher friend who taught my friend spoke positively about him. However
I stopped liking this young man after a few months, but this had nothing to do with my
mom. But when I told my mother that we had broken up, my mother was delighted and also reproached me for
I threw this “goat” too softly, but I should have hurt him more. And despite the fact that this boy
didn't do anything wrong! We just broke up because we are very different, but it wasn’t our fault...
And then she found out that I had another boyfriend, we often corresponded online, and my mother constantly
she threatened me that she would forbid me to use the Internet at all and controlled me in everything.
Control reached the point of absurdity. When I was at a friend’s birthday, she kept calling me, it’s unclear
why... This is how it usually is until now. She just doesn't want to let me go anywhere. I recently went on business
to fill out the documents, my mother didn’t want to let me go alone and threw a tantrum. But I went alone, and,
Imagine, she asked me if I was ok in the subway. Does she think I'm an idiot? I am everyone
Every day I go to the university on the other side of Moscow!
When I was at school and one day I left the house early and refused to go with my parents in the car in the morning,
she screamed at me right in the middle of the street: “You bastard!” And that's just because I just prefer
walking instead of driving. And there were many such cases with me.
And how can I tell such a mother that I am dating a young man? A reasonable question is: is it worth it?
Maybe not, but she will have to, because I’m always telling her fairy tales, how I go to visit my friends
and so on. And my young man lives in the Moscow region, he has a very long distance to travel, and we meet him at
outskirts of the city. And what will my mother do to me when she finds out about this? I just can't imagine. And she also
I saw my classmates in the photo and said that the boys in our group all looked somehow different.
to an adult. Brad, what else should guys look like at 18? And my boyfriend is 20, and my mother can
react in any way, completely unpredictable.
I also can’t lie forever about where I’ve been. I constantly twitch, lest I be caught on the phone.
talking with a friend. This is stupid, especially since he and I don't have Serious relationships, I have to
I don’t know what to hide at all. And most importantly, I don’t understand why and what terrible thing I’m doing: I don’t go to night
clubs, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I just sometimes go to the movies, cafes, etc. with a friend. We haven't even kissed yet, but we
We definitely like each other, and he looks after me and cares about me very much, we have many common interests, and
we have helped each other many times. My psychological state is further complicated by the fact that I never
I could talk to my mother about the relationship between a man and a woman. I'm happy that I now have
a wonderful friend, but, in general, I am psychologically very tense, and the fact that my mother interferes in everything is asking
a bunch of questions, it became even more annoying. I'm on pins and needles 24/7.
And how can this be hidden forever? For example, my young man My birthday is coming soon, I need it
If you give him at least a symbolic gift, you will still need to ask your mother for money. Yes and how can I
explain your “disappearance” every weekend? You can't lie forever. This is all so stupid... Introduce mom to
I can’t be a friend yet either. A guy may perceive the idea of ​​meeting his parents as a transition to the next
stage of the relationship, and such an initiative is now inappropriate. But right now, and even more so, I can’t, we only have everything
begins.
I don’t know how to talk to my mother. More precisely, she may simply refuse to speak and immediately throw a tantrum. I
I’m just completely confused... Mom’s dictatorship, control in everything and her indifference to my requests to understand that I’m already
I grew up a long time ago and learned to do everything myself, and in fact I already know how to do a lot myself. What to do,
I don’t know, please help me, I feel really bad.

Betty, age: 18/30.10.2012

Hmm... Yes, your situation is not easy, not easy... My mother also often controls me, she always wants to know where I am and with whom. And she buys things that she likes, not me.
It’s better not to talk about the guy for now, come up with excuses, and someday later, if the situation is convenient, you will say. And about the gift, you can say that it’s some friend’s birthday.

Lisa, age: 16 / 02.11.2012

Probably the way out is somewhere in the golden mean, in taking the situation out of the extreme point at which it is now. You definitely need to win back from your mother the right to build YOUR OWN life, just maybe not immediately by leaps and bounds, don’t immediately bring down both the guy and his 20 years, and meetings on the outskirts... You definitely need to meet, get to know each other, look for your happiness. Treat what is difficult for you now as the beginning of a new stage in life. Yes, this NEW showed you its bad sides, but you understand that there will be both good and simply excellent!!!

Nasyus, age: 31 / 03.11.2012

Betty, your situation is difficult.
And I wrote a lot, but the end of your letter, I see, coincides with the picture “How to improve relationships with parents.” Yes, this is actually a whole science, because in order to improve, you need the desire of both sides. and not just one. Unilateral “improvement” is much more difficult. It’s difficult for me to advise anything here. But I can recommend some psychological defenses.
In general, you need to weaken the thread of dependence on your mother in the psychological sense, first of all, in the material sense, too, as I see, you have a need.
Behavior like your mom's is called codependent. You can do some additional research about them.
In my opinion, you are doing everything right, but you still have fear inside you, there is no such confidence, freedom that would allow you to speak with dignity to your mother. As long as she constantly feels your fear, she will manipulate you.
Accept your mother’s behavior as her illness, that she is like a disabled person of her time, what influenced her so much, what happened is not your fault, children should not be involved in raising and correcting their parents. Once you are there you will have no fear. and there will be confidence. She must begin to change herself little by little.
Then look on the Internet for ways to get rid of rudeness, there are some tips I think will be useful for you. And I don’t want to say here about caustic language, but so that you understand when you are under manipulation.
I am very pleased to hear about the good and decent attitude of MCH towards you. Very nice. It seems to me that if he finds out what kind of mother you have, that she is your teacher, that she likes everything to be under such control, then in principle he will understand, I think he will gain courage and maybe even accept you more with his heart. Although I could be wrong if I judge by myself. Your feminine intuition should tell you the right decision.
In general, you need to let your mother understand, not in words, but through your persistent and dignified behavior, that you need to build your life yourself so that it is more pleasant to you, otherwise the feeling of happiness will not come. Living under the sword of Damocles, constantly afraid of everything and everyone is not an option. And in principle, if a guy understands you, then you can enlist his support, he can listen to you and console you, but you will only have more confidence when you discuss everything with him. But now you don’t know what to do, what to do, you’re all in doubt and in such a torn state.
How few of you girls there are now, that without bad habits, beautiful and smart, I think guys now appreciate such people, he will not leave you if he really is like that. And what you say about similarity of interests and repeated mutual assistance is a very good foundation for true love, to which this site is dedicated.
Just accept the fact that your mother has an illness, like a small child, who should not be offended, angry, fearful or humiliated. The dignity of a girl lies in this, too, to be feminine, and not to always be in a subordinate position in everything. Talk to your mother with self-esteem. And one more thing: when a person screams, he shows that he is weak. He cannot speak calmly, and it seems to him that in this way he will be taken seriously. But how can one not feel sorry for those who have such weak points?
I wish you all the best, that everything goes well for you. Write here again if you need anything, it’s just that no one has written anything here yet. You never know if something is unclear to you.

My name is Maria, I’m 29, I’ve been working since I was 21, that is, I’ve been financially independent from my mother for a long time, we live together, but she’s constantly trying to control my spending and expenses. Let’s say that once a year I allow myself to go somewhere on a trip, then she probably remembers this to me for a year, that she wasted money, but they could have done repairs or bought something for the house, trips for her are money down the drain, then she still grumbles something like it’s me and not you who should trips for rides, I’ve worked all my life, and you’re only 8 years old, I have to travel abroad, to which I answer her, let me give you money, go, but she immediately closes this topic. I can’t understand what she needs from me. Or I buy some yoghurts for myself and for her too, meet with my friends in a cafe, then again I hear her reproaches, what a waste of money you are wasting, but you could have gone to work. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her, why am I using my own money I still have to report to her, why she feels itching, I don’t understand. I would like to add that her mother, my grandmother, also at one time, a working person, in her youth, reprimanded her for her spending, saying, why did you buy yourself a coat, but you could to buy something for the family, even though she considers herself a very liberal person and completely different from her grandmother, in fact, in my opinion, on the contrary, she is also trying to put pressure on me again, literally strangling me with her control. Is it possible to somehow sort this out? Or is living separately with your mother the only way out? More and more often I think that I can no longer tolerate this and our living under the same roof is becoming more and more unbearable. I would also like to add that as a student, when I was 20, my mother wanted to send me to work and study in London for the summer, we registered through a company that, in any case, kept the money for its services, this amount was not returned, regardless of whether they gave me a visa or not, so in the end they didn’t give me a visa and the trip was cancelled, how my mother took her anger out on me later, I yelled that you will work this money for me later, go to work, give me the money that was lost because of you, I was so offended, why was it my fault that I was denied a visa, because it’s like a lottery, especially more England is a complex country, why did she decide that I was to blame for everything and now owe her this money??? And there was also a case at the age of 16 when she withdrew some money from a book, there was a deposit for me and I bought perfume with it, so when she saw it, she grabbed it and threw it out the window and screamed at me, you’re a bastard, you know that for this money I was starving, malnourished, when pregnant with you I went so that you could buy perfume with it, I was in complete shock, she herself gave me this money so that I would buy something for myself and then she threw it all away.

I just gave the last 2 examples to ask you, maybe she has mental problems, because these reactions are unlike the reactions of a normal, adequate person, this has been worrying me for a long time. She has problems with the thyroid gland, I don’t know, maybe it influences the fact that her behavior is sometimes inappropriate.

Yes, she has it that I am an eternal dependent child and she still strives to take care of me, she can run and start a scandal in the clinic, because I told her that the nurse was unable to give me an injection, I told her this just like that , without thinking about anything, but she had such a strange reaction, she ran to defend me and make trouble in the clinic, then I was so ashamed to go to the doctor, she disgraced me in front of the whole clinic, as if I was a little girl, my mother was running to protect me in front of bad adults, as if I couldn’t stand up for myself.

I spend money not only on myself and I also invest in repairs and general household activities, but everything has reasonable limits, if for my mother repairs are the meaning of life, then I am not obliged to pay for all her ideas from start to finish, I make purchases and gifts for her , I go to the store with her, she is already retired, she earns a little extra money for pennies, so now I mostly buy everything, traveling together is simply impossible for us, this is not a vacation, but a constant hassle for each other, so we decided a long time ago, that we can only go on vacation separately from each other, and besides, we already live together, so trips are even a reason to relax from each other at a distance.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, dear ones. I am writing here to receive professional advice. There are 3 children in our family. I am the eldest 23 years old, my brother is 22 years old, my sister is 19 years old. Our father died 11 years ago. And during my lifetime I suffered a lot from my mother’s difficult character. I don’t know what she’s missing, she’s constantly on pins and needles. Suspicious, fearful, restless. She doesn’t like anyone, really NOBODY. Everyone around is bad, terrible people in her opinion. I barely got married myself. She didn't like any of my guys. From time to time he harshly criticizes my husband. Verbally humiliates. Now it seems it’s my brother’s turn. She constantly talks and writes nasty things to his girlfriend. And he tells our younger sister to never get married, that the most important thing is work, car, apartment, etc. It seems to me that the only thing she cares about is money, power and influence. My brother suffers from her bad words all the time. He cries, it hurts him so much to hear such words. I somehow protected myself with a kind of psychological armor. And her words hardly bother me. But he is suffering. She demands too much from him. She demands that he leave the girl, explaining that they don’t have a home. And if she gets pregnant (and her mother has no doubt that this will happen), then they have nowhere to live, in general, complete nonsense

Requires you to go to hard work that pays pennies. She demands that he immediately do everything she says. I'm tired of the fact that we indulge her, that she is supposedly sick and mentally tired. It depresses me that she easily throws dirt at us. He easily says nasty things, and then, as if nothing had happened, he calls and talks to us. She constantly talks about how she gave birth to us in pain and washed our butts. And that she raised us in general. And it seems he wants monetary compensation preferably more. I don't know, I'm confused. I don't know what's wrong with her. Maybe this is some kind of disease or character? How to overcome her character? How can I make her calm down without anyone getting hurt? Can she be treated? Someone answer please. Ready for an online consultation.

Psychologist Elena Sergeevna Shenderova answers the question.

Hello Samal! No one will say in absentia whether your mother has any disorder or not (especially since only a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, can examine her mental state). Also, no one can change your mother! And no one can treat her without her consent (and you can treat her involuntarily only if she poses a threat to her life or the lives of others). Therefore, the most important thing in the whole situation is to change the vector of the question itself - what to do with mom? what to do to start living your life?

You were all under the influence of your mother, since you were a child and, naturally, adapted to the situation in the family, but growing up, you began to form your opinion about the world, people, yourself, relationships, and began to understand that your mother’s opinion and yours differed, that you don’t want to live the way your mother wants. Here each of you will choose your own path! You were able to separate from your mother, separate her from yourself, not succumb to her opinions, her behavior, her reactions (i.e., you separated). Mom switched to her brother, and here he himself has to make a choice - either obey his mother, or build his life and make his own choices - understand that you cannot stand between your brother and mother, this is their relationship and the brother needs to make his own choice. Don't try to dig into your mom! This is a road to nowhere - each of you has your own life and each of you needs to learn to make your own decisions. A brother can obey his mother and suffer, or he can make decisions himself and live his own life. The same applies to the sister - she also makes a decision - to live her life and her values ​​or to hide behind her mother’s values ​​and obey her. It is possible that a mother seeks to control the lives of her children (all of you), but whether she succeeds or not depends on each of you!!! Ask yourself a question - how do I want to build MY life! and go your own way.

That's it. I read it and can’t believe it: all the symptoms are on the face. We read the continuation about “The Overbearing Mother”. It would be nice to read how to get rid of these problems.

Hello, dear subscribers!

The topic of relationships with my mother is very interesting to me. I return to it periodically. There are already previous issues that you can find on my blog “The Joys of Parenting”, section “Mother Factor” or in the archive of this newsletter.

Today I want to continue my research into the psychological type of the domineering mother. As my personal consulting practice shows, adult children of domineering mothers predominate today in the vast former USSR. There was a time when being bossy and overly controlling was encouraged and even rewarded. As a result, many of us grew up under the watchful eye of hyper-controlling homeroom teachers, teachers and mothers.
In adult life each of us reproduces the patterns of behavior that we adopted in childhood. The child’s psyche is already structured in such a way that it absorbs everything necessary for life with mother’s milk and not only with milk. The image of parents becomes the dominant stimulus for our adult behavior. Therefore, sooner or later, each of us has to clear away the “debris” of childhood and realize what is mine and what my parents contributed to my personality.

A new rapidly developing profession - psychotherapy - is studying such patterns of behavior and helping those who have decided to become an independent person and separate themselves and their “I” from their parents. There is nothing wrong with the way we follow through life. parental settings and repeat their habits. This is normal, it is natural, but it is not always effective and healthy. Our parents lived in a different time and acted according to the requirements of a previous era. They were flawless, they were perfect and very caring to the best of their ability. But the new trends of our time require changes: our old behavior patterns are already more a hindrance than a help to live a full life.
An adult who grew up under the watchful eye of an overbearing mother will most often suffer from relationships with others and feel bad in life. The syndrome, or the feeling that life has failed and is failing, haunts him daily and causes a lot of internal pain.

Psychological difficulties that people go through - children of an overbearing mother!

Depression

Exist different kinds and causes of depression. Children of an overbearing mother suffer most from the fact that they do not know how and cannot organize their own personality. They feel helpless in life, in communication, at work: they are often depressed and experience the hopelessness of their situation. It is difficult for such people to manage their emotions, behavior, plans, events, and make serious decisions on their own. Therefore, they live with a feeling of constant loss: loss of opportunities, relationships, finances... A person does not know how to dream and follow the thoughts of his heart, does not achieve what he wants and is very disappointed in himself and in people because of this. Those who grew up next to an overbearing mother have difficulty understanding their basic needs and cannot satisfy them on their own. Life most often carries such people adrift, and they easily succumb to this. Adult children of an overbearing mother are terrified of saying “no,” including to relationships that are destructive for them and therefore receive new traumas and new mental scars.

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

The biggest mistake an overbearing mother makes is refusing to teach her child responsibility for his or her life. Adult children of an overbearing mother acquire “conditional helplessness syndrome” and it is very difficult for them to realize their responsibility for themselves and their destiny. External events are perceived by these people as a powerful destructive uncontrollable force. Most of all, the will of children of an overbearing mother is not developed. They do not ask themselves what to do, but often ask themselves the anxious question of what will happen to me.

Fear and increased anxiety are the faithful companions of such people. The feeling of enthusiasm and active action towards achieving what they want is alien to them. It seems to them that someone should constantly know, guess what they need and provide it without any conditions.

In relationships, such people do not feel personal boundaries and do not know how to set them. It is difficult for them to make any demands on their partner. They suffer in silence and do nothing to change their situation.

Dependencies

All addictions have one root - poorly developed self-discipline.
All existing addictions - overeating, drug addiction, manic fasting, alcoholism - are signs of a disordered personality. The most important thing in self-discipline is the ability to control your impulses, which protect a person from many troubles and misfortunes. The formation of this ability begins in early childhood, when the mother prohibits certain actions and types of behavior for the child. The mother’s “No” eventually becomes her own “No!” person. An overbearing mother considers it necessary only to control the child’s actions, but does not try to teach him to cope with his own impulses. Teaching is foreign to an overbearing mother. Keeping the entire life of a child, then a teenager, under her control, in this way she fills the vacuum of her personality and does not give the child any opportunity to gain independent experience in life, which means she does not participate in the formation of the character of her son or daughter.

Alienation

Very often, an adult child of an overbearing mother is not able to manage his own life. This is due to the fact that he isolates himself from other people, withdraws into himself and does not try to make contact, and lives the life of a recluse. By closing himself off from the world and people, such a person is trying to protect himself from new mental trauma. Alienation is a state in which emotions and feelings freeze, are not refreshed, and the personality itself does not develop. Sooner or later, this condition will lead to depression or other consequences of seclusion.

Anxiety and panic attacks

Anxiety is a healthy feeling that is common to all people without exception. Anxiety is a signal that life is temporarily out of control and something is happening that is difficult for a person to cope with. this moment. Children of an overbearing mother are in a state of anxiety almost constantly and find it incredibly difficult to manage their relationships with others. Excessive anxiety takes away a person's sense of hope and can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.

Tendency to blame others

As mentioned above, children of an overbearing mother cannot control their lives and therefore they often have to blame everyone and everything for their failures. Hiding from their painful experiences, such people tend to blame others and external circumstances for their failures, thereby shifting responsibility for themselves onto the shoulders of others. This was facilitated by their mother during their childhood, and it can be difficult for such a person to change in adulthood.
It is the mother’s responsibility, when the child is still small, to teach him not to endure problems and not to shift his work to others, to insist that the child take responsibility for the action. A mature mother interrupts any child’s impulses to blame others for something where the responsibility is personal.

Children of an overbearing mother are driven through life by one desire - to please their mother, and thus for a long time they can ignore their personal path of development and neglect their needs for self-realization. This condition tears a person apart and his life is full of internal contradictions. Expecting approval of actions from his mother even in adulthood makes such a person infantile and highly dependent on her. This leads to internal conflict. There is only one way out - start working on yourself and begin to realize that your mother and you are separate individuals. Qualified psychotherapists can help with this.

There are plans to write material about ways to heal trauma caused by an overbearing mother. Follow the newsletter releases.