Loving woman believes and hopes that her man will always be honest with her. Therefore, she is very hurt and offended if she accuses him of infidelity. Especially when it turns out that this relationship has been going on for a long time. That is, her husband or partner actually led a double life, but at the same time swore that he loved her alone, that for him she was the best in the world! Alas, these words turned out to be a lie. Why didn’t he openly admit that his old love was no longer there, that he had another woman? What makes men lead double lives and lie?

The longer the Don Juan list, the more honor

There are some representatives of the stronger sex for whom a large number of seduced women is a kind of proof of their male viability and charm. That is, for them it is a matter of principle. Moreover, such a man can quite sincerely claim that he loves his wife or partner. And he, as a rule, does not lie. Indeed, he loves, but does not consider it necessary to remain faithful to her. Thanks to connections on the side, he is approved.

Why does he hide the truth about his love affairs? For such a hero-lover, it is very difficult psychologically to find himself in the position of being on the defensive, listening to the reproaches of an offended girl, and feeling guilty. So he acts on the principle “What people don’t know about, they don’t worry about.”

It should be noted that among such hero-lovers there are not only ardent southerners or muscular handsome macho men, or pronounced leaders, energetic and strong-willed, but also unremarkable people of rather ordinary appearance, complexion, restrained and phlegmatic by nature. It would seem that such and such a person is completely different from the conqueror of women’s hearts, but the fact remains a fact.

There is practically no chance that such a philanderer can be shamed into being faithful to his partner.

Therefore, a woman in such a situation must either come to terms with her man’s infidelity, or break up with him. Sometimes this is the only way out. You shouldn’t deceive yourself and your man by maintaining such a relationship.

It's a pity for both... What to do in this situation?

There are also situations when a man’s double life is explained by his weakness of will, indecision, and lack of self-confidence. As a rule, such a person is delicate, kind by nature, and indecisive. He is afraid of causing severe emotional pain to his wife or partner, of offending her by openly admitting to her that he has cheated on her. And at the same time, he can’t decide to make a choice between two women dear to him. Therefore, he is forced to lie, himself tormented by the consciousness that he is acting unworthy, low in relation to his beloved. Such a man does not want to deceive women, but he does not see a way out of this situation.

My friend Yulia has never tried on the role of a secret agent, but now she has a real double life. The fact is that at the age of thirty, being married and having a child, Yulka fell in love again. Her chosen one does not even live in Moscow, but in her hometown, where she goes every weekend under the plausible pretext of “visiting her mother.” When I meet a friend, I see that she simply glows with happiness, her eyes sparkle, she spouts enthusiastic stories, and even I can catch the vibes of sexuality emanating from her, and our men look at Yulka with completely different eyes.

Probably our time is to blame. Traditional patriarchal marriages are becoming a thing of the past, modern man, especially a resident of a large metropolis, is already accustomed to the frantic pace of life. They are attracted to everything new, and they part with the already boring old ones easily and without regret.

"Yes it's mine ex-boyfriend, now we're just friends“- another friend of mine casually comments after meeting her ex-boyfriend at a party. Last year She has already replaced several young people. Moreover, every time it seems to her that this is love for life, although in the end something doesn’t suit her all the time. But in fact, passion and beautiful courtship end and everyday life begins, about which, as we know, more than one love boat has crashed.

So, one day, after two months of a whirlwind romance, she decided to move in with her young man. "Can you imagine, when we first met, we went to restaurants, movies, and concerts every evening. Oh, yes, it was a complete extravaganza! But as soon as I moved into his apartment as a hostess, I did not recognize my Kostya. Now it’s simply impossible to get him out of the house, he turned out to be such a bore and even tried to force me to cook, but he categorically refused to go anywhere to a civilized place"Needless to say, my friend ran away from him after a couple of weeks and still lives with her friend in a rented apartment...

Of course, you can’t order your heart. And subconsciously we look for in our new loved one what is so lacking in our current one. For example, your husband sits at home all day in front of the TV, but you have always dreamed of being read poetry, invited to the theater and given armfuls of roses. This means that you lack romance and subconsciously you will look for just such a relationship. Or you are quite satisfied with your current man that he is a master with “golden hands”, he does renovations in the apartment himself, but the significant drawback is that he has not read a single book in his entire life. And you are ready to fall in love with the first intellectual you meet with several higher education, who, as it turns out, has never driven a single nail into a wall in his entire life.

Having two husbands at once is the dream of Margarita Khobotova from the film “Pokrovsky Gates”. But we need to choose one, and the older we get, the higher the demands. Finding one that would meet all our female requirements is probably simply impossible. But you can try to love him for who he really is, and not try to change him.

Why do men and women play a double game? How do relationships develop in triangles? How to do right choice?

The guy would like to make up his mind, but how? Both are damn good! Guy (Stuart Townsend), Gilda (Charlize Theron) and Mia (Penelope Cruz) (still from the film "Head in the Clouds", 2004).

Angela Kharitonova,
practical psychologist.

@ Family problems? Consult a psychologist on the site

Three Actors Theater

The reasons why women and men end up in love triangles are different. Conscious and unconscious. Search “from good to good” or choice “from two evils”. Men more often seek “good from good,” while women choose “from two evils,” although the opposite happens. The choice is not easy. But in any case, you need to start with yourself. Answer yourself honestly the following questions:

What relationship problem did you not solve in time? Is it possible to solve it now? What role does the third play in your relationship: a catalyst for passion, a way of revenge, an outlet, a remedy for boredom, a vest for tears, etc.? If you imagine your triangle as a theater of three actors: who plays what role? What positive and negative feelings do each of you associate with the others?

Understanding yourself can be difficult, especially when there are so many feelings “mixed” inside: passion, desire for novelty, resentment, guilt, and fear of loneliness. To find a way out, you need to move away from passions and be alone - your mind will tell you correct solution.

Trap for women...

The reason why women get closer to another is dissatisfaction with existing relationships. And it’s serious: the woman already sees a future with a man in dark colors. This may push her to look for someone else. But it is impossible to immediately understand how reliable her new chosen one is. What if I break up with the first one, and the second one says, “Sorry, I didn’t promise anything”? So a woman falls into a trap because of the fear of loneliness.

In a couple, the woman always feeds the man with her emotional energy. But here the woman is trying to build a relationship with the “new”, while holding on to the “old”. She cannot invest her energy in new relationships until the old ones are completed. Especially if there are a lot of emotions (no matter positive or negative). Almost all of her mental activity goes into her first relationship. The new chosen one feels this subconsciously and over time loses interest.

...and for men

For men, things often happen differently: one woman is very good, she gives in in everything, she adapts in everything, and it’s boring. When a woman is almost his reflection, what passions are there? And then another one appears - passionate, rebellious, mysterious - and the hunter's instinct kicks in. The “hunter” falls in love with the “game”, and a lot of questions arise. How to refuse the right, good and economic? Can the new one become a good wife? What if the passion passes? The decision is difficult to make, so the man prefers not to make it at all.

Choosing between “good” and “good” is difficult. Moreover, as soon as he makes a choice, troubles from the offended party immediately await him. So his will is paralyzed, the man does not make a choice at all. Moreover, two women already feed him with their energy, and this is difficult to refuse. The situation, as a rule, is resolved unexpectedly. For example, one of her friends gives an ultimatum with clear deadlines. Or one gets pregnant, and the man wants a child. If nothing happens, triangles can live for a long time.

Reasons for double play

It's no secret that there are people who deliberately play a double game. At first it brings pleasure. And only a few years later the consequences appear: a double game changes a person. What reasons force women and men to play a double game?

1. Reluctance or fear to start a family

A woman, deep down, does not want to get married. And, similarly, the man is not going to get married. After all, relationships with one and only one ultimately lead to the creation of a family, and this is what is scary. That’s why thoughts arise: one is good at one thing, and the other is good at another, so I can’t refuse. In this case, you need to figure out where the fear comes from (parents lived poorly, was raised by a single mother, unsuccessful personal experience Serious relationships). And then decide for yourself what you really want and how to get it without deceiving anyone. If this fear is not detected in time, then you can walk until you are 40 years old, and then be surprised to discover that there are no potential grooms (brides), and it is already impossible to change anything in life.

2. Raising self-esteem

A woman believes that two or even more fans increase her status. They say that two people are wooing me and fighting for my love at once! Usually the mask of an insidious heartbreaker hides the once great pain caused. Perhaps she was badly burned in her youth and is trying to take revenge on men by cheating.

So is the man. The role of a womanizer has one goal - to prove to himself and others that he is a superman. But eventually this role becomes boring. A man begins to want “big and bright.” But is he capable of this if the list of his “male victories” is off the charts? Cynicism, a disdainful attitude towards women, excessive pickiness, a burden of grievances against exes, depravity and the inability to build one-on-one relationships appear.

3. Selfishness and taking advantage of people

A woman and a man do not know how to love at all. But in in this case There is not only love, but also respect. And there is simply using people. For example, a woman says: “It’s so convenient for me, one does repairs for me and gives me money, and with the other we travel together.” In this case, no remorse. But any egoist eventually also begins to feel emptiness and hopelessness.

Letters from readers

I’ve been dating Mikhail for two years – the relationship is complicated. He is jealous, often gets depressed, and torments me with criticism. After the crisis, he is again affectionate and cajoles with gifts. I recently met Denis, he is cheerful, I feel comfortable and at ease with him, but I’m not sure that we have a future. I’m not ready to part with Mikhail yet, and I can’t give up Denis. I'm dating two people and I'm suffering. How to make a choice?

Maria, 26 years old, Tula.

I live with a girl, she loves me, she’s a good housewife, flexible, and gives in to everything. It was a bit boring when I was sweating. I was already getting ready to go to the registry office, but then I met someone else - and I was overcome with crazy passion! But she doesn’t want to get married, she’s young and frivolous. For six months I’ve been “sitting on two chairs.” How to resolve the situation?

Maxim, 33 years old.

Only numbers

54 % men and 3 % women at least once, but met two at the same time.
3 years on average there is a classic love triangle of husband-wife-mistress.

Psychologist's advice
How to choose between two

Imagine life with each partner in 5, 10, 15 years. Take a mental journey into the future. Imagine everything down to the smallest detail: what and who surrounds you, what you do, whether you have children, etc. Notice how this makes you feel. This will help you make a choice.

To love yourself or to be loved?

It often happens that a woman has a choice of two men - one she loves, the other loves her. Whom to choose? Any choice here will not bring happiness. Any woman wants reciprocity, even if at first she comes to terms with the fact that her man does not give her the attention she deserves. After some time, she will still demand feelings from him. And he won't receive them. Claims and accusations will appear like: “You ruined my whole life. I loved you so much, and you...”!

If a woman decides on the second option (links her fate with a loving person without having warm feelings for him), then she becomes a source of torment for him. She will still look for her man and involuntarily direct her attention towards others. loving person will see this, and a daily dose of painful jealousy is guaranteed to him.

So the solution here is: expect mutual love!

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People living a double life, as a rule, have one life that is familiar and understandable to society, and the other - not so much. Behind the scenes there remain dangerous secrets, strange habits, and sometimes even real work and family.

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Steve Harvey, relationship expert, and 3 divorces

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Coco Chanel - fashion designer and Nazi agent

Style icon Coco Chanel not only had a reputation as the most influential woman of the 20th century, but also had a couple of skeletons in her closet. Thus, declassified archival documents prove that during the Second World War she was a Nazi agent. Worked at an agency military intelligence under the command of General Walter Schellenberg. After the defeat of the Nazis, she was “asked” to leave France.

Steve Buscemi - actor and firefighter

Steve Buscemi is a popular actor with dozens of awards. But it turns out that in real life he has not one role, but at least two. Before becoming an actor and director, he spent several years worked as a firefighter in New York. And he still regularly returns to former job. He helped search for survivors of September 11, 2001, cleared debris from Hurricane Sandy and spoke at union rallies.

Alice Cooper - a demon on stage and an exemplary family man

The legendary Alice Cooper, the progenitor of gothic rock, invariably shocks the audience at his concerts. Executions are carried out there, footage from horror films is shown, and his image is called demonic. In life, he is a real darling - an exemplary family man and Christian. And how can you believe this?

Is Mother Teresa a saint or not?

Mother Teresa was counted canonized by the Roman Catholic Church, and her name became a household name. However, there is also a downside. Although she had many missions, the patients there lived in unsanitary conditions, with disgusting food and no painkillers. And the issue is not a lack of funding. Simply, according to the nun, the poor must suffer as Christ suffered.

Anna Chapman - spy and real estate agent

A high-profile spy scandal involving red-haired Anna Chapman broke out relatively recently. In 2010, she was deported from the States, accused of collaborating with the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service.