The son has long become independent, and his mother is still trying to look after him, calling him, giving advice - alas, the situation is so common that millions of women begin to think about how they can get their mother-in-law away from their husband, so that this woman will finally stop interfering in their lives . Today, a professional psychologist gives advice to women on this topic.

How to get your mother-in-law away from your husband and reduce her influence

“I’m married, no children. My problem is my relationship with my mother-in-law. The fact is that I am very independent, I achieved everything in life myself, I made all life decisions without the participation of my parents - that’s how I was raised.

My husband was raised differently; all decisions in his family are made by his mother, both he and his elder sister They are used to “focusing” problems on the mother, who, with tenacity and fighting spirit, rushes into battle and smashes any obstacles in her path, solving any problems with one blow.

And now, when I have my own family, I seem to live independently, separately from my parents and his, I am forced to think about how to get my mother-in-law away from my husband. Out of habit, the husband takes everything “for judgment” to his mother, who, also out of habit, decides with a powerful combat attack.

And all my logical arguments about solving the problem are shattered by her impenetrable “armor” of words: “What are you telling me here, I’ve done this all my life and I’m not going to do it differently.” The relationship with my mother-in-law became unbearable.

The worst thing is that my habit of living independently now interferes with family relationships with my husband. For him, his mother was and remains an indisputable authority, and he motivates everything simply: “She won’t wish me harm - she’s a mother after all!” (some kind of personality cult!)

An attempt to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and explain to her husband that she sees his current life rather one-sidedly, that she cannot take into account all the nuances, since after all this is our family life, not hers, that she can make mistakes and draw the wrong conclusions, no which didn’t lead to. He either consults with her and his decision is completely her decision, or he refuses to do anything at all, relying on me. The result is conflicts. Dina Vitkovskaya."

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her husband:

Alas, this cannot be explained to my mother-in-law. Because she basically won’t want to and won’t be able to understand this. In her understanding, her son will always be a little boy who needs his mother's care and mother's advice.

Perhaps you married a big child so you could remain independent. Because due to our double morality, we often have two extremes: either a macho man who communicates with his wife according to the principle “shut your mouth, woman, when horsemen are talking,” or a man-child who wants to see his wife as a mommy and only for that reason initially ready to listen to her. Of course, there is a “golden mean”, but it must be sought and even created somewhere. And you may have unconsciously preferred one of the extremes.

But now it should be noted that it will be difficult to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and it is useless to expect such a husband to express his opinion. He simply doesn’t have his own opinion - only his mother’s! In addition, he is completely uncritical of the behavior of his own parent (this condition usually occurs in children from about one to three years old, but in other individuals, as you can see, it sometimes remains for the rest of their lives).

You write that you are trying to teach him. First of all, sorry, it's late. And secondly, as soon as you start teaching and raising him, you immediately cause a natural hostile reaction from your mother-in-law, because you become her rival and competitor - after all, only a mother can raise this child. And you are thus encroaching on her place!

You ask: “How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband and who makes decisions in the family - us or her.” But, excuse me, there is no “we” in your family yet - there is you, your husband and his mother, and your question essentially sounds different - who makes the decisions, you personally or her? That is, you are actually asking your spouse to make a choice between you and your mother. The situation is very dangerous. If only because an infantile boy, being backed up to the wall, will choose his mother only out of a sense of self-defense...

The first option: grab your husband under the arm like a little boy and drag him away from his mother, beyond her reach. That is, in fact, replace the wife’s mother.

The second is divorce.

The third is to become your mother-in-law’s daughter, indulge her in everything and obey her. Then she will stop being afraid of you and begin to love you, but in her own way, just like her son, without giving you any independence.

And the fourth - you mentioned it yourself: learn diplomacy. Don’t shout, excuse me, into trouble, but subtly manipulate the situation.

How to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband

“I’m 28 years old, my boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me, but that’s not the point. We've been together for a year now. We lived in different cities, and I often stayed with him. As a result, my relationship with his mother did not work out, and, despite his crazy love for me, our relationship changed.

I know he loves me and the fact that he respects his mother is important to me, but I constantly feel her influence on our relationship. If earlier she suggested that he leave with me and rent an apartment, now that I live alone, she is offended that he is almost never at home. His mother is a manipulator, I don’t know how to get my mother-in-law away from her future husband and what to do... Alexandra Galuza.”

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband:

Alexandra, I’m afraid that in this situation your role is that of a passive observer. Interfering in the relationship between your man and his mother is a thankless task. He is almost 27 years old, he is not married and he has a very affectionate relationship with his mother - this already says a lot.

At the very least, I would have a suspicion that this is not the first time my mother has interfered in personal life his son, since most guys at this age are more likely to be “no longer married” than “not yet married.” Not everything, of course, but...

In general, based on the totality of the “symptoms,” it will be difficult to push the mother-in-law away from her husband, because his mother is a manipulator, an owner, who is burdened by the very thought that her “boy” might love someone more than her. Hence your problems with her.

By definition, she will not be able to treat you well, since for her you are a rival who wants to “steal” her “man” from her. The situation is very similar to the love triangle “wife - husband - mistress”.

But “a wife is not a wall,” and in general, in one man’s life there can be many wives, but there can be only one mother. Actually, it is precisely this logic that such mothers operate with. It is curious that they themselves are very afraid of growing old, they do not want grandchildren who will “make them grandmothers,” and the grandchildren who are born are treated either coolly or as the children of their son, and not the children of their son and daughter-in-law.

In short, the most you can do is not to discourage your mother-in-law from her husband, but to talk to your man, explaining to him your concerns. Calmly (but sadly) tell him everything you feel: that you don’t want to come between him and his mother, but you also don’t want his mother to come between you.

Ask him how he sees your future together. In this situation, this question is quite appropriate. And what happens next depends only on your man, on how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And, of course, it depends on how psychologically mature he is. If he " Sissy"- run away from him before it's too late.

I remember one “train conversation”: a neighbor in the compartment complained about her mother-in-law, who almost every day, under various pretexts, dragged her son over after work. Either her shelf fell, or she twisted her ankle, or she needed to buy some medicine that wasn’t sold in her pharmacy, or something else.

And so almost every day. The woman no longer knew how to get her mother-in-law away from her husband. After work, the husband went straight to “mom”, and appeared at home either very late (mom also fed dinner), or even stayed overnight with her. The situation did not change even after the birth of the child. The husband was still a “son” and remained so.

And all the conversations on the topic “you have your own family; Mom is manipulating you” ended in scandals and the words “Mom always told me that you don’t like her.” I hope you don't find yourself in a similar situation! Good luck to you!

Relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are often complicated by disagreements.

The mother-in-law's constant interference in her son's family life can greatly ruin his relationship with his wife.

For this reason, daughters-in-law often think about how to put their mother-in-law in her place.

How to be happy in family life? Find out about this from ours.

Psychology of relations between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

True love and mutual respect are found in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law quite rare.

Even with outwardly friendly communication, these women, as a rule, have feelings for each other a large number of claims.

On the part of the daughter-in-law, a negative attitude towards her mother-in-law may be caused by jealousy, sense of ownership towards her husband or the characteristics of a young woman.

But often a bad attitude is formed in response to the negative behavior of the husband's mother.

The main reasons why a mother-in-law may behave aggressively towards her daughter-in-law:

How to communicate with an energy vampire in the family? they will tell you!

What to do if your husband's mother..?

Daughter-in-law's behavior strategy directly depends on the character traits of the mother-in-law. It is necessary to clearly identify existing problems and develop an action plan.

Energetic vampire

Energy vampires replenish their energy reserves at the expense of their interlocutors. During communication, vampires constantly complain about life, talk about their failures and illnesses. They may do this intentionally or unknowingly.

In most cases, the interlocutors of such people become involved in communication and adopt a negative mood.

The desire to reassure energy vampire or the appearance of irritation in response to his complaints cause a surge of negative energy in the interlocutor. This response gives the vampire strength and stimulation.

The best way out of the situation is to stop this “donation”.

Necessary keep communication with your mother-in-law to a minimum.

If this cannot be done, you should develop a calm attitude towards the situation. It is important to remain calm during communication and not to worry.

Manipulator

Manipulators strive bend others to your will. Most often this is achieved by inducing a feeling of guilt in the “victim”.

With such behavior of the mother-in-law, it is important to be able to recognize situations in which she takes advantage of the current situation to satisfy her interests.

If her manipulations are aimed at her husband, it is important to try to open his eyes to the true motives of his mother’s behavior and teach him not to fall for her tricks.

If the mother-in-law tries to manipulate the daughter-in-law herself, it is necessary take a defensive position and defend your interests in any situation.

Selfish

An egoist always cares only about satisfying your desires and whims.

The interests of other people do not matter to him.

The best way out in such a situation is "mirror" answer.

In response to the selfishness of the mother-in-law, it is necessary to develop a similar attitude towards her.

Never give up your plans to please her requests, never change your mind under her pressure.

A woman treats you badly

Daughters-in-law rarely remain indifferent to the current conflict situation. They worry for the following reasons:

Interferes with children's upbringing

Often the mother-in-law, as a grandmother, strives to raise her son’s children. Absence good relations with the daughter-in-law can provoke constant conflicts regarding the relationship between the grandmother and the children. Main problems:

Turns your spouse against you

Often mothers-in-law try to get rid of their daughter-in-law through their son. They strive to turn a man against his wife, draw attention to themselves and arrange provocations. Recommendations in such situations:

Gets into relationships

The mother-in-law interferes in the relationship, trying to control her son's life. Also, her intervention may have a specific goal - to ruin the relationship between her son and his wife. How to fight7 Recommendations in such situations:

How to properly distribute responsibilities in the family? you will find on our website.

Destroyed the family

Marriage is the union of a man and a woman. If the couple is married, then the reason for the divorce does not lie in the behavior of the mother-in-law. A man, respecting and loving his mother, must behave like the head of the family and protect the interests of his wife and children.

A woman must find the strength to show herself patience, tact and cunning. A poor relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is just one of the many difficulties that spouses can face.

If the mother-in-law was able to destroy the family through her actions, then there was no real intimacy, trust and mutual support between husband and wife.

Thus, they are complicated by a huge number of mutual claims and demands.

Maintaining peace in the family is possible only if all participants make a choice in the relationship competent tactics of behavior. This applies not only to the two women, but also to the reason for their argument - the man.

How to defeat your mother-in-law? Psychology of relationships:

After marriage, a woman acquires not only a husband, but his entire family in addition. And most importantly - his mother, who most likely will also have to learn to call mom. A clash between two main women in the life of one man - how to make it not too painful?

Even if absolute harmony has been achieved in the relationship between husband and wife, this is still not enough for complete family idyll. And all because the man in this couple is not an orphan. And in this context, it is often impossible to immediately say unambiguously whether it is fortunate or unfortunately. He is not an orphan, he has the main woman in his life - his mother. More precisely, she has been in charge for thirty years and suddenly she has to not only make room for the throne, but also realize and accept the fact that her boy has already completely grown up.

If her son was not mistaken in his choice, then all the rough edges of communication between two women will soon be a thing of the past. After all, smart daughters-in-law know how to get rid of the influence of their mother-in-law: the best way will - make friends with her. This friendship will become an additional bonding element for a young family. After all, even if conflicts arose between the spouses, it would be she who would come to the rescue and be able to calm her son down.

For the establishment of a good relationship, the first meeting is of no small importance. When meeting someone, it is better to look more modest, but, of course, not like a gray mouse. If the meeting takes place on the territory of the future mother-in-law, then it is absolutely necessary to at least little by little try all the proposed snacks and express restrained pleasure from what was eaten. In conversation, it is better to avoid topics about religion or politics; it is better to ask to see childhood photographs of your future husband, and when viewing them, do not skimp on praise for this charming boy. However, it is important not to overdo it - too rude flattery will only ruin everything.

The next, and perhaps most important point: separate accommodation. This method almost always works, even in particularly advanced cases, because everyone knows the saying “The farther, the dearer.” However, sometimes resettlement is hindered not only by an unfavorable financial situation, but also by a lack of desire on one or both sides. A grandmother may not want to lose close contact with her grandchildren or control over her son's family. A married couple may not want to say goodbye to the comforts of their parents’ living space, as well as the opportunity to shift responsibility to older generation for under-salted soup or ill-mannered children. But all this is just cowardice, and if the atmosphere in the family is dear, then it would be best to find an opportunity to move away under different roofs.

The third point is, in fact, the birth of those very ill-mannered children. Grandchildren are capable of neutralizing even the most ferocious mother-in-law. After all, this is her own blood, a continuation of her son, which means their mother automatically becomes part of the family.

It is important to understand that even if the relationship with your mother-in-law leaves much to be desired, it is better not to turn your children against her. It's theirs dear grandmother, with which they quite possibly will be able and willing to find mutual language. And this would be useful not only from the point of view of inheritance prospects.

How to treat your mother-in-law is a personal matter for the daughter-in-law. It is highly undesirable to let your husband in on the details of your relationship with his mother. Especially if the relationship is not very warm. There is no need to complain - she is his mother, even if someone thinks that she is far from ideal.

You should also never interfere in the relationship between a son and his mother. This is their personal territory and let them sort it out themselves, and a wife who treats this with restraint will only earn respect from her husband.

It would also be a mistake to complain to your mother-in-law about your husband. Ultimately, no matter how disingenuous he behaves, he will always remain her son and there is a high probability that in a conflict she will take his side, and the complaining daughter-in-law will be left a fool.

Many older people expect gratitude from the younger generation for what they raised, educated, and so on. If we leave philosophical conversations on the topic that no one essentially owes anyone anything, then one might wonder whether such expectations are not justified? After all, they usually marry someone who cares and is close to them, whom they like and feel good with. And who raised him and made him like this? It was she - the current mother-in-law. Therefore, maybe you should mentally thank her for this and change your attitude towards her?

Elementary signs of attention will help to achieve rapprochement or strengthen it. These can be not only thoughtful and correctly selected gifts for various holiday events. It is also important not to forget to congratulate your mother-in-law on holidays that are significant to her, send her greetings, call her periodically and sincerely (this is important!) inquire about her health and affairs.

With all this, become best friends with your mother-in-law it’s not necessary at all. A respectful attitude will be quite enough. There is no need to fawn on her - she will feel false, which will not benefit the relationship at all. There is no need to be afraid to discover your own opinion, especially when it comes to raising children. Grandmother, of course, can give hints and advice, but responsibility for making decisions should rest solely with the parents.

There is another interesting point. According to psychological research, people subconsciously choose their other half to be similar to their parents. Therefore, there is a high probability that, if you look closely, you will find your mirror image in your mother-in-law. Is there any point in finding out who is more right between very similar people?

Of interest is the fact that, unlike the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law is not such a famous character and the hero of numerous jokes, tales and parables. Is it because when it comes to a clash between two women, no one is laughing?

Many daughters-in-law are concerned about how to put their mother-in-law in her place. But is she a thing or an object to have its place? No, this is a person who is not alien to everything human, and therefore worthy of understanding and forgiveness. After all, only in this way is it possible to achieve peace in the vast majority of cases.

Despite the fact that the classic character in jokes is the mother-in-law, perhaps the most complex relationships develop between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. For many, the mother-in-law is an imperious, always dissatisfied woman who does not miss the opportunity to devalue and reproach: “You wash with the wrong product, you put the children to bed at the wrong time, you feed your husband with the wrong thing.” Some go further and begin to clean up the daughter-in-law’s house, and some even easily clean out the chests of drawers and closets in the bedroom of their married son. Should we fight this state of affairs with the help of scandals or endure it in silence? Both are meaningless. Let's figure out how to choose an effective strategy and improve relationships with your husband's mother.

Why mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships don't work out

As a rule, the mother-in-law's behavior is explained by jealousy and inability to recognize the fact that he has already grown up. In a certain sense, this is true: an emotional connection that has been formed over the years cannot completely disappear. Therefore, when a son gets married, along with joy, the mother experiences sadness, fear and concern, even if she never interfered with his independence.

“How will my son live further, will the woman he marries hurt him, will she come between me and my son, will she limit our communication, will he cope with all the difficulties without me?” and - perhaps most importantly - “will my child need me, will he reject me for another?” – this anxiety is natural. Normally, you can cope with it if you realize that the son is able to independently manage his life and no longer needs his mother to the extent that he needed it as a child.

Through this awareness, a transformation of relationships occurs, which move from the “parent-child” level to the “adult-adult” level. Otherwise, anxiety goes off scale, and from it suspicion and the need for control and influence on your now adult son are born.

The daughter-in-law, for her part, brings into the family her own way of relating to her own mother and her childhood traumas. One thing multiplied by another sometimes gives unpredictable and unpleasant results.

Mistakes in relationships with mother-in-law

How to win your husband from your mother-in-law? Many women ask this question, not realizing that by doing so they begin to build relationships in terms of struggle - and this is definitely a road to nowhere. To be fair, it must be said that it is often the mother-in-law herself who sets the tone. Phrases like “but I’m your age...”, “I never told my husband...”, “I don’t understand how it’s possible...” and other subtle hints at the daughter-in-law’s inadequacy create a context of superiority and rivalry. The daughter-in-law is not a little girl waiting for moral instruction, so, as a rule, she accepts the challenge. All this leads to common mistakes in relationships with mother-in-law.

Error 1: try to please and behave in accordance with the expectations of the mother-in-law, listening to reproaches

If you follow your mother-in-law's lead and try to please her, you automatically admit that you are not good enough for her son. “You didn’t wash the dishes well” - scrub more carefully, “you don’t cook breakfast for your husband” - you get up early in the morning, even if you have Small child and you fell asleep at dawn.

The origins of this behavior are most likely in the incomplete separation from your own mother, which you project onto your mother-in-law. By expecting praise and recognition, you thereby put yourself in the position of a child, and your mother-in-law in the position of a parent who decides for you whether you are doing well or not. This gives a powerful advantage to the mother-in-law in her relationship with her son. In my practice, there was a case when a mother and son debriefed their daughter-in-law, telling her at a family council what and how she was doing wrong. Not surprisingly, this relationship ended in divorce.

Another example: my client did everything to earn the praise of her mother-in-law, and over time, when she came from another city, she began to suffer from migraines. Psychosomatic pain freed her from the need to communicate, but this did not save the situation: the mother-in-law continued in the same vein, making comments about the sickly appearance of the children and poor-quality food in the refrigerator.

What to do

• Don't try to form a relationship with your mother-in-law overnight. For your husband she close person, is a stranger to you. If you go for rapprochement immediately and quickly, you risk building communication with your mother-in-law through your projections. For example, you should not call your mother-in-law mom and address her as “you” immediately after the wedding, despite the brief acquaintance and awkwardness: this way you maintain a completely unnecessary child-parent context. Treat yourself like an adult, which means respecting your needs. Deepen your relationship at a pace that is comfortable for you and only to the extent that is sufficient for you.
• Do not forget to draw boundaries - do not tolerate intrusion into forbidden territory, say “no” immediately and unambiguously. Remember, marking and protecting borders is your task. If bedroom chests of drawers and wardrobes are taboo for outsiders, the mother-in-law should know about it. If words do not work, move on to sanctions, but remember that they must be adequate and understandable: put locks on the cabinet, and do not limit her communication with the children. In this way, you clearly show what you see as unacceptable behavior, otherwise it is revenge, not protection.
• Don’t let go of sarcastic remarks, don’t overthink things, and don’t behave in accordance with your conjectures. If you hear that “my son is completely thin,” clarify what your mother-in-law means, what she expects from you, and share your opinion about this situation. Such a dialogue may end unexpectedly. For example, my friend’s mother-in-law, in a conversation with her daughter-in-law about how her son was eating, began to cry because she realized that he no longer needed her as a nurse. Over time, this realization prompted her to reconsider her life’s meanings.

Error 2: constantly bicker with your mother-in-law and involve your husband in this fight

If your mother-in-law’s criticism pulls the rug out from under your feet and causes severe rejection and anger, most likely you are not confident enough in yourself as a wife and mother. Often, behind a violent reaction lies an unconscious guilt: “I’m probably really doing everything wrong.” To protect yourself from these feelings, you have to quickly push the offender out of your territory - respond with rudeness, that is, protect your boundaries while violating others. Often aggression is passive: they gave him the wrong gift, they arrived at the wrong time, they fed the grandson the wrong way. If at the same time you complain to your husband and look for a defender in him, two options are possible. He will resist, and then quarrels are inevitable, or he will take your side - in this case, his communication with his parents may stop altogether.

Finding a balance between contact and protecting boundaries in such a scenario is difficult, so the relationship with the mother-in-law does not develop, but is strangled in the bud. The pay can be high: scandals with her husband, deterioration of relations between grandmother and grandchildren - often up to a complete break.

What to do

• Do not react to value judgments and criticism with aggression. Instead, learn to have a dialogue with your mother-in-law: find out what she means and be interested in her experiences. My friend’s mother-in-law once expressed dissatisfaction because she was late for a meeting with her mother, her husband’s grandmother. The friend sincerely asked why she was so upset. It turned out that the grandmother called her mother-in-law and in the conversation began to rudely condemn her and her grandson, reproaching her for improper upbringing, ingratitude, and the like. The mother-in-law experienced unpleasant emotions that were difficult for her to cope with. After talking, both calmed down, the mother-in-law asked for forgiveness, and the daughter-in-law sympathized.
• Do not involve your husband in sorting out relations with your mother-in-law, otherwise you risk ending up in the Karpman triangle, where the mother-in-law is the aggressor, you are the victim, and the husband is the savior. As you know, the roles in the triangle change, and from a victim you will inevitably turn into an aggressor, and the mother-in-law from an aggressor into a victim. Your husband will find himself between two fires. This scenario leads to a deterioration in relations. Instead, try to resolve all controversial issues yourself, taking responsibility for your role in the “daughter-in-law - mother-in-law” relationship, rather than shifting it to your husband.