Question for a psychologist:
Hello, dear ones. I am writing here to receive professional advice. There are 3 children in our family. I am the eldest 23 years old, my brother is 22 years old, my sister is 19 years old. Our father died 11 years ago. And during my lifetime I suffered a lot from my mother’s difficult character. I don’t know what she’s missing, she’s constantly on pins and needles. Suspicious, fearful, restless. She doesn’t like anyone, really NOBODY. Everyone around is bad, terrible people in her opinion. I barely got married myself. She didn't like any of my guys. From time to time he harshly criticizes my husband. Verbally humiliates. Now it seems it’s my brother’s turn. She constantly talks and writes nasty things to his girlfriend. And he tells our younger sister to never get married, that the most important thing is work, car, apartment, etc. It seems to me that the only thing she cares about is money, power and influence. My brother suffers from her bad words all the time. He cries, it hurts him so much to hear such words. I somehow protected myself with a kind of psychological armor. And her words hardly bother me. But he is suffering. She demands too much from him. She demands that he leave the girl, explaining that they don’t have a home. And if she gets pregnant (and her mother has no doubt that this will happen), then they have nowhere to live, in general, complete nonsense
Requires you to go to hard work that pays pennies. She demands that he immediately do everything she says. I'm tired of the fact that we indulge her, that she is supposedly sick and mentally tired. It depresses me that she easily throws dirt at us. He easily says nasty things, and then, as if nothing had happened, he calls and talks to us. She constantly talks about how she gave birth to us in pain and washed our butts. And that she raised us in general. And it seems he wants monetary compensation preferably more. I don't know, I'm confused. I don't know what's wrong with her. Maybe this is some kind of disease or character? How to overcome her character? How can I make her calm down without anyone getting hurt? Can she be treated? Someone answer please. Ready for an online consultation.
Psychologist Elena Sergeevna Shenderova answers the question.
Hello Samal! No one will say in absentia whether your mother has any disorder or not (especially since only a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, can examine her mental state). Also, no one can change your mother! And no one can treat her without her consent (and you can treat her involuntarily only if she poses a threat to her life or the lives of others). Therefore, the most important thing in the whole situation is to change the vector of the question itself - what to do with mom? what to do to start living your life?
You were all under the influence of your mother, since you were a child and, naturally, adapted to the situation in the family, but growing up, you began to form your opinion about the world, people, yourself, relationships, and began to understand that your mother’s opinion and yours differed, that you don’t want to live the way your mother wants. Here each of you will choose your own path! You were able to separate from your mother, separate her from yourself, not succumb to her opinions, her behavior, her reactions (i.e., you separated). Mom switched to her brother, and here he himself has to make a choice - either obey his mother, or build his life and make his own choices - understand that you cannot stand between your brother and mother, this is their relationship and the brother needs to make his own choice. Don't try to dig into your mom! This is a road to nowhere - each of you has your own life and each of you needs to learn to make your own decisions. A brother can obey his mother and suffer, or he can make decisions himself and live his own life. The same applies to the sister - she also makes a decision - to live her life and her values or to hide behind her mother’s values and obey her. It is possible that a mother seeks to control the lives of her children (all of you), but whether she succeeds or not depends on each of you!!! Ask yourself a question - how do I want to build MY life! and go your own way.
Hello. My name is Violetta. I am 21 years old. Mom is 52. She raised me alone, it was very difficult for her. She's not doing well with her mother. a good relationship. I know that my mother loves me and wants what’s best, but I don’t have the strength anymore... She has no one and nothing in her life except me. Therefore, she is trying in every possible way to control my life - I still have to ask for time off to go for a walk and return home before 10 (and even earlier in winter). All my hobbies, my every step should be under her control. I don’t mind communicating, consulting, telling her everything, but she speaks in a commanding tone, often loses her temper, accuses me of all sins, says such terrible things... I remain silent and cry. This makes her even angrier. And she doesn’t like my boyfriend, although she knows how I feel about him... but she always says that nothing will work out with us... I understand that I’m not ideal, but I’m not against dialogue, she doesn’t like me can’t hear, I’m tired of trying. I used to worry terribly about every conflict, but now I almost don’t care anymore... and it scares me. What should I do? Leave home? Continue to be silent? Or start doing what I want so that the accusations are not in vain...
Rate:
Violetta, age: 21 / 08/04/2013
Responses:Hello, Violetta! Yes, it’s not easy when your mother behaves like this... Your mother has some kind of internal trouble that forces her to act this way towards you. Perhaps this comes from her childhood. Try to ask yourself: why does my mother behave this way towards me? What makes her try to control everything, what fears are the reason for this? Think about how to give her confidence, how to explain that there is no need to be afraid. You say that she has nothing in her life except you - so maybe you can help her switch, find something else? Get her interested in some interesting activity or hobby. On our website there is an article “Adopt parents”: - read it carefully, everything is said there much better and in more detail than it turned out for me. And, probably, it’s time to separate from my mother and look for a separate place to live - especially since the relationships in the family are somewhat unhealthy. Peace of mind to you!
Blue Bird, age: 24 / 08/05/2013
Firstly. Violet, you are already 21 years old, this is already a respectable age, and you have the right to do as you consider necessary, and without any reproaches of conscience you can do what you consider necessary, do what you consider necessary, and you can return home at least at 3 o’clock nights. As for establishing a good and comfortable relationship with your mother, because as I see it, this is very important for you too. To begin with, you are alone with your mother, and therefore she is simply afraid of losing you from her life, firstly because all parents are a little possessive, and secondly because if you leave, there will be no one left in her life, and this behavior is caused by fear of your distance from her. If she raised you alone, then imagine, it’s not easy for a woman to raise a child, earn money, be a housewife and solve everyday problems, you must admit it’s not easy, especially since she, in addition to all this, did not have the opportunity to have many flowers from her beloved, gifts, attention, etc. You yourself know how important a guy’s love is in life. Due to the fact that she has a bad relationship with her mother, she is trying to establish a good relationship with you, and is trying to give you everything that she thinks her own mother did not give her, and wants to make up for that with your help. mother's love, which she might lack. As for how you should behave with her, I think the solution is the following: talk to your mother, and express everything that you wrote here, threaten, express your understanding for her, and show her sympathy (even if you don’t think so) to what she does for you, but say that if she doesn’t stop going too far, you will stop all communication with her. You will also have to show a lot of love for her, help her find a hobby, make old dreams come true and find company, and also show love for her (yes, I understand that sounds strange) but feel love for her, and try to give her love, just like on mentally, sensually, spiritually and in life. Feel genuine gratitude for what she did for you. I understand that this all seems wild and crazy, but I had problems in my relationship with my mother, and when they advised me to use this, I said that this was nonsense, but... it worked strong influence on our relationship, and the more and more systematically I apply it, the more it improves our relationship with her and even my life. This tactic works very quickly, although there may be situations where it takes time to fully work. But thanks to this method, you can give happiness to yourself and your mother, as well as create a good relationship with her. After all, whatever one may say, relationships with parents are the most important in life, and have the greatest influence on us. Until we find harmony in our relationships with them, we will not be able to find harmony in life, this is the true truth.
Rina, age: 18 / 08/06/2013
Hello. Many mothers these days are engaged in intimidation of children. For some reason they think that fears keep children from making mistakes in life and misfortunes. But this is not true. Explain to your mother that intimidation does not give anything other than frayed nerves and loneliness. The most important defense against misfortunes and mistakes lie in raising a child. You must not shy away from evil uncles from childhood and be afraid of everything, but be such that you do not drink or smoke with them anywhere. Then there will be no consequences. Ask your mother - does she really doubt that much? How did I raise you and teach you nothing? Is she confident that she has instilled in you the moral standards necessary for life? Instill in her that your actions and life will depend on this, and not on fears for yourself. Add to this that fears and warnings about danger do not stop a person from doing anything if he is susceptible to any vices. No matter how a walking person he was afraid of HIV, he won’t stop walking because he can’t stop and refuse this way of life, and not because the Ministry of Health warns him everywhere. Ask her what she is afraid of. After listening to the answer, convince her - well, you know that I will never do that, I will never agree to that. You yourself taught me that way. Perhaps this the conversation will have to be repeated several times. be patient. To cope with the mother’s fear, you will have to spend a lot of time and patience. And more conversations, attention and gifts to the mother. Buy her something around the house and don’t get tired of repeating - you taught me this. This is your merit .and she will gradually calm down.
Hello! My name is Maria, I'm 27 years old, I live with my parents. And for as long as I can remember, and to this day, my mother controls me in everything and does not let me breathe. I hardly go anywhere and have very few friends, because I always have to say where, where, when, with whom, why and why I am going somewhere. If I meet a friend, I must tell her where we were, what we did, what cafe we sat in, what I ordered, what my friend ordered, and how much it cost. Therefore, it’s easier not to go anywhere at all, in order to somehow avoid unnecessary swearing... If I’m going to go somewhere on vacation, then this is a total interrogation, and I have to tell in addition to the place, the name of the hotel, its address, telephone number, date and hours of departure and return, telephone number and address of the friend with whom I am traveling, telephone numbers of her parents, place of her work, etc. etc., and she must accompany me to see who I am going with. It just gets to the point of absurdity... A couple of times I lied that I was going on a business trip from work, but in fact I was going on vacation. I can’t even mention that I communicate with my friends via contact, because she will stand over me and read everything and demand to tell me about everyone who is on my friends list... And there are only classmates and fellow students... Of course, I have never met any young man and I generally don’t know how to get to know them and communicate. All my life I was told that I was wild and underdeveloped and that I should be sent to an orphanage so that they could teach me life. I still remember how I cried and was scared to death that they would really send me there. All my life I have been quiet and homely, books best friends... That’s why I entered the philology department, I always loved literature and foreign languages, I speak English well and can easily navigate and feel comfortable in other countries, and in general I don’t complain about my horizons. Although, of course, I don’t know about the club ratings, who is the coolest designer, etc. But all my knowledge and skills are of no interest to anyone; the daughters of my friends are a priori better. Self-esteem has been destroyed since childhood, I don’t take compliments at all, for me it means either ridicule or something needed... My relatives also think I’m stupid, I’ve heard my aunts sigh many times in conversations with their friends: well, yes, that’s how she is , well, what can you do, there is a black sheep in the family. I also always owe my mother, although I give her money from my salary. She constantly compares me with the daughters of her friends, they are all so good and have a lot of friends and a good salary and go to clubs and go on vacation, but I just sit at home and do nothing. I don’t understand why they mocked me all my life when they could have abandoned me in the maternity hospital or had an abortion. I’m an unwanted child, all I’ve heard and hear is that I’m underdeveloped and stuff like that. I don’t know what to do, I cry every day and withdraw more and more into myself...
Hello, dear readers of my blog! One of the common problems in family relationships is when the mother manipulates adult daughter. Such interactions cannot be called healthy and harmonious. Manipulations can be built according to different schemes; the girl can guess about them or not. In any case, you need to try to get away from this kind of relationship, change it in a healthier and more harmonious direction. How to do it?
Be a puppet
Agree, no one likes being manipulated, told what to do, or put in a dependent position. But parents have some power over their children, which they can use as they wish.
Often the mother gets so carried away with her role that she makes her daughter completely dependent on herself and does not allow her to breathe freely without permission.
The psychology of manipulation lies in control, in the dependent position of the driven person. You can act through the financial side. When parents support their child financially and the mother forces them to do this or that action, backing it up with financial rewards or punishment.
In addition, an adult mother often manipulates her health. If a child does something wrong, then her head immediately begins to hurt, her chest hurts, her ribs are pinched, her knee hurts, and so on ad infinitum.
The manipulator chooses the most important aspect for you and puts pressure on it. Resentment is a kind of manipulation. When a person is offended by your action, he thereby wants to show that you need to apologize to him, ask for forgiveness and please in every possible way so that this does not happen again.
One of my friends knows how to manipulate her mood very well. As soon as she gets a little sad, you immediately begin to entertain her, pay attention and show interest in her in every possible way.
Sometimes such behavior is not always noticeable, skillfully hidden, and not so obvious. But it is systematic. This is how manipulation can be tracked.
When the same reaction of a person forces you to do something against your will, then most likely this person is trying to force you to do the act on purpose.
If you are a little more attentive, you will definitely notice when they are trying to control you.
Tear off the patch
I will say right away that the outcome of solving this problem can be sad. When a person loses his power over another person, he becomes disappointed, angry, offended and may stop communicating altogether.
I have come across such stories quite often in my practice. When a girl frees herself from her father's control, for example, he, filled with anger at the loss of control and power, decides not to communicate with her anymore.
But communication with parents is important and necessary in life. Which strategy to choose depends on what you ultimately want to achieve.
- So that mom would be calmer and think that everything is still under her control,
- so that she finally understands that she no longer has power over your actions,
- so that you can establish normal and healthy communication and so on.
First, you yourself need to understand what you ultimately want to achieve. Make an appointment with me, we will look at the problem together and find the most acceptable solution.
When a person manipulates another person, he thereby shifts responsibility. After all, the action itself is not performed by him. It is extremely difficult to instill a sense of responsibility in a person, especially in adulthood. After all, everyone considers themselves smart, educated and knowledgeable people.
One of the characteristics of mothers: I know better, I am older, I am wiser, I have more experience. The most common reasons why you need to do exactly what your mother demands.
Most the right way stop manipulation - stop being influenced by it. Do not do as the situation requires, but act according to your own understanding and common sense. Of course, a drastic change will be perceived very painfully and alarmingly. Trying to control your life may not stop at first.
Over time, attempts will become less frequent and may eventually fizzle out. But it is not known what reaction your mother will have to sharp disobedience. It is necessary to be prepared for absolutely any outcome. In order for you to commit this brave act, I advise you to familiarize yourself with my work “”.
Difficult conversation
One option is to talk directly to your mother. I have always believed that when two reasonable people talk honestly, openly and without subtext, they can agree and solve any problem. It is important to understand whether you and your mother are capable of such a conversation.
Your task is to explain that she puts pressure on you with her manipulations, controls your every decision and does not allow you to live independently. You must state your position clearly and clearly. That you no longer want to be in a dependent position, that you are not satisfied with total power from your mother, that you want to make decisions on your own.
The conversation should not take place in a raised tone, no insults or threats. These are precisely the methods of manipulators. If you notice them on your mother's side, point them out directly. Tell her that even now she is trying to control you. Tell me what you are losing because of her interference in your life. Express your thoughts clearly.
Of course, it will be good if you prepare for this conversation in advance. Write all your comments on a piece of paper, try to predict the mother’s possible reaction, and find suitable answers on your part. You can practice with a friend or spouse.
There are mothers who absolutely cannot speak, do not hear anyone but themselves, and are absolutely sure that they are right. What to do if this is exactly the case for you? My work “” can help you in this matter.
Additionally, let's look at some options you can resort to if talking doesn't help.
Complete the Queen's Gambit
When a simple and frank conversation does not help, you have to resort to various tricks.
One of my clients, for the benefit of her mother, simply agrees with her, tries to avoid sensitive topics, accepts all her advice, but acts in her own way. The mother is calmer because the daughter agrees, and the daughter is relaxed because the mother is not nervous about every little thing. There is such an option to stop the “brain removal” on the part of parents.
Another option is to prove that mommy’s advice doesn’t work. When you constantly think that you are doing everything wrong, your mother is constantly dissatisfied with her actions, you can try to do exactly as she says. A couple of mistakes and it will be possible to adjust her advice in accordance with the experience gained.
If you are financially dependent on your parents, then you urgently need to become independent in this regard. Find a job, stop taking money from your parents, then they will no longer be able to dictate their rules to you. As long as you are in monetary bondage, you will be a direct object of manipulation.
If your mother blows your mind about the topic of relationships (why you don’t have a husband, children, it’s time for you to be married, and so on), you can try to avoid this topic. Move the conversation in a different direction, a topic of more interest to the mother.
The main thing you must understand is that you are an adult and independent person. No one can dictate their rules to you, you build them for yourself. This is your life and only you can manage your resources, time, etc.
Learn to say no when you don't want to do something. Become more confident. Don't take judgment to heart. Remember that every person has their own opinion and you won’t be able to be good to everyone, this simply doesn’t happen.
I offer you for review one of my works “”. Learn to be at peace with yourself, understand your goals and objectives and confidently go towards them!
If you cannot find answers to questions that are important to you and are afraid that the problems that have arisen cannot be solved, sign up for a Skype consultation with me.
Share your story. Tell us about your relationship with your mother. How is she manipulating you? What tricks does he resort to? What topic is she trying to control you on? How do you deal with this and what are you doing?
Believe in yourself!
Good afternoon, dear readers! Recently I wondered whether so-called owls and larks really exist and how to become a lark if you are an owl? After all, depending on what mood you're in...
Hello, dear readers! One of the secrets successful person- this is the ability to control your emotions and use them to your advantage. Today I want to offer you useful tips psychologists: how to become...
Hello, dear readers! It's great to stay cool in any situation. Once, I witnessed how one of my acquaintances simply stood and in the calmest voice answered a woman who was screaming at him heart-rendingly.…
If your mother constantly interferes in your life, and any attempts to set boundaries end in her resentment, then this article is for you. In it we will talk about what makes your mother always control you and give advice on how to fix a bad relationship without validol, blood pressure surges and heart attacks.
What makes your mom constantly control your life?
There are two main reasons:
1) Mom still considers you a little girl who needs to continue to be taken care of.
She does not realize that her role is over, and is afraid to admit that she is useless. At the same time, he sincerely believes that such care brings you great benefit, and is offended when you refuse to accept this care.
2) Circumstances forced my mother to make her way in life; this developed a rather tough, authoritarian character.
She always knows what is best and demands unquestioning obedience. Most likely, the situation has changed a long time ago, but the character remains the same.
And if she has no other interests in life besides you and your family, then the situation only gets worse.
Mom's reaction when her daughter tries to reduce interference
When you decide it's time to take action, remember - the relationship between mother and daughter cannot change suddenly.
The mother will resist and various means will be used.
Read an example from the Internet, doesn’t this story really touch you? Which side will you take?
In this example, the mother’s reaction to the fact that her daughter limited interference in her life is clearly visible: high blood pressure when her daughter came to wish her Happy New Year, and resentment that they did not stay with her.
In addition to health problems, when trying to limit control, both shouts and reproaches can be used: “I gave you my whole life...”, or complete ignoring with demonstrative inclusion in the “black list” on the phone.
All this can be called the rather harsh word “manipulation.” Mom uses them to make you feel guilty, and then to stop trying to “win a place in the sun.”
Let's move on to practical actions: reduce control, but avoid a bad relationship with the mother.
Stage 1. Understand yourself
First, take a closer look at yourself. Perhaps you really are acting like Small child, and the mother’s behavior only reflects this.
Understand that in order to get out of control you need to be truly adult and independent.
In a calm atmosphere, analyze how conversations with your mother go. Do you ask your mom how her day was? Or are you just talking about yourself?
Stage 2. Get to know mom
Look at your mother as if she were a stranger.
It will be useful for you to know those difficult situations that were in your mother's life. Dad, grandmother, other relatives can become a source of information, you can also talk to mom, only carefully.
For example, as a child you were seriously ill, and your mother made a lot of efforts to cure you. And then follow the rules - put on a hat, don’t get your feet wet - you can continue the list yourself. Care, care, care... And now mom can’t stop.
What will it give? You will not be biased towards her behavior.
Stage 3. Negotiations
You have found the reasons and know what to tell your mother. Then, first, try to tell her how you saw her life from the outside. And then move on to why you think she continues to take care of you and constantly controls you.
At this stage, there are two possible developments:
- You will understand each other and will look for joint ways to solve the problem.
- The negotiations will reach a dead end, your mother will not hear you and will move on to “manipulation.” In this case, you proceed to step 4.
Step 4: Be patient
Remember how you taught your child a skill, for example, eating with a spoon: patiently, repeatedly repeating the same movements - how long did it take you?
How many years did your mother live in thoughts about you and your life?
It will not be possible to wean her off this abruptly. Therefore, we must be patient. And even more than in the case of a child, because retraining is always more difficult than teaching.
Stage 5. Gradually moving to new rails
- Do not reduce the time you spend communicating with your mother, but increase the number of common topics of conversation (news, weather, neighbors, her health) and reduce the discussion of your life. At the same time, in general matters, do not enter into polemics, support your mother’s opinion.
- If you constantly call or text your mom about where you are, then it's time to start cutting down on the number of “reports.” Also, start small: first reduce the number of calls (SMS) by one, then by two, etc. But be sure to warn about this in advance, citing external circumstances. For example: “Mom, today I won’t be able to call you from work at lunchtime, because my colleagues and I are having lunch at a cafe.”
- Learn to say “no” not categorically, but gently, with a joke. This “no” is perceived less painfully.
- If your mother has no interests, then remember what she was interested in and pick up a hobby for her. If the lesson is for two, even better, then you will always have something to talk about.
"Like like." Ask your mother how her day was, what she did, ask her to report more often on where she was. - Let the scale of control begin to tip in your direction and then, perhaps, your mother will think about how to get rid of the interference in her life.
In order to weaken your mother’s control, you must first be self-sufficient, adult woman. A fulfilling adult relationship between mother and daughter is the result of patience, sensitivity and understanding.
Let's discuss this topic: tell us in the comments about your relationship with your mother. What do you think is the most difficult thing about “defending your territory”? What questions did you have after reading the article? If you tried to loosen control, how did you do it and what results did you achieve?