One day my work colleague and I decided to relax and have a drink. An acquaintance of hers, ZK, called, she chatted so sweetly with him, and I was so lonely... Then I said hi to him, she said that I was sad here, and I go and ask: maybe they will find someone for me there too, She gave me her phone number, and that’s it, I forgot about it! And a few days later I received an SMS, I am such and such, height is such and such, etc. I called back there, they didn’t answer the phone. Then he called himself! A week later we were choosing a name for our daughter... Tomorrow we will be married for 8 months!

Have you dreamed that a strong and courageous man would fall madly in love with you, completely devoted only to you and ready to move mountains for you? A man who will protect you from all troubles?

It is this image that is exploited by prison inmates who send hundreds of love letters to women from 15 to 50 years old. And often in these tender messages the theme of injustice of punishment is heard. The prisoner presents himself as a victim of circumstances or “evil people”, causing sympathy for his suffering. And, unfortunately, for many women who enter into correspondence with prisoners, “to regret” quickly turns into “to love.”

The most important thing in these letters and phone calls is that he sincerely admires the woman, dreams of meetings, declares his love, promises to fulfill any of her wishes “when we are together.” Often these letters are written by the same professional “copywriters” on behalf of different men in the zone.

Popular

Which women are at risk?

We were released on December 24th. Everything was fine, love, tenderness. We have two small children. He restored all the documents, did everything. But I still couldn’t find a job. He managed to get a job only at the end of February... and then he started drinking. Everything is not the same for him, everything is not the same for him. He started coming home from work drunk, he didn’t have enough, he had no money, he went to see his old friends. I couldn't sleep at home. On another such spree, I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore, that the problem had to be solved. And he tells me: “I can’t be sober, I’m tired of my family, the children are running here and there.” Well, why do I need this? I packed my things and decided to leave... nowhere... That evening he beat me... Knocked out my teeth, half of my face was of blue color! And the children saw all this. I barely lost my legs, my friends helped me, hid me, he called everyone with threats. And then I woke up, realized what I had done, and began to beg for forgiveness, crawling on my knees, crying. I'm a fool, I forgave you! I returned to the apartment. He came home from work, played with the children, everything was like in a good family... 2 weeks passed! And it all happened again. Now I have filed for divorce!!! He says that it’s all my fault, saying that I knew who I was marrying!!! This does not include the fact that I lost everything for him: my loved ones, my apartment, my friends. I came to this outback and waited for him. And now I have nowhere to go with my children. And he also says that he won’t let me live in peace!!! The court gave us 3 months to reconcile...

This is very scary, but it’s a fact: to one degree or another, almost all women can be at risk. Some more, some less, but that's all. We are only now learning such words as “self-esteem”, “psycho-trauma”, “dependent relationships”, “violence”. We learn that families where there are dependent people, where parents are authoritarian or, on the contrary, very driven, have a strong overall influence on the child’s perception of reality. We grow up with a “black hole” in our souls. With unstable self-esteem, with the perception of oneself as unworthy of love. But the desire for love is still with us. And since we often do not receive basic things, unconditional acceptance, which we can only receive from our parents in infancy, we look for it from other people. And we are ready to close our eyes to many things; the psyche protects itself from pain and disappointment, denying obvious things. It’s enough to stroke us, like an orphan kitten, and we are ready to follow this person anywhere.

How is dependence formed on these relationships?

We're home. I have no joy. I was much happier while he was there. That's what I tell him. I am a part-time student and waited a year and a half. I went to the DS, and carried parcels, and everything was like everyone else. I got him out on parole. He's been drinking for three months. He got into crime again. Gop-stop, etc. Four drips and a week in a drug treatment center, after which on the day of his release he got drunk until a pig squealed. I've already cut my own wrists. There is no peace for me, nor for him. Doesn't accept my help: just be there. Where is it nearby? Hang around with you in dubious companies and drink? Not for me. We live in the same city. He is with his mother, I am at home with my parents. He says if they lived together, everything would be different. I answer: “Go to work, rent a house, I’ll be nearby.” Like, they don’t take it anywhere. But there is no time to try to look for it. The weather is good outside and the vodka is flowing. In rare moments of sobering up, he cries. “I’m losing you, I can’t live without you,” but he doesn’t want to change anything. I suffer and regret, and I’m just stupidly and selfishly waiting for my soul to stop whining and rooting for him, and I can calmly leave and not look back. There is no future there and there never will be. I pay tribute to the happy moments that we had. That's all. End.

Having fallen in love with a fairy tale created by professionals, a woman finds herself emotionally dependent on her illusions. In general, this is an escape from the complexities of the reality in which she lives. The man who admires and loves her is perceived as an enchanted prince from the fairy tale “Beauty and the Beast.” And the woman sincerely believes that love will “break the spell” of her hero. He will be released and create the ideal world promised to her in his letters.

This is how a woman trustingly becomes dependent. The reality is replaced by the illusory. From now on, her future is connected only with her beloved, and the woman is forced to play by his rules, sharing his values ​​and observing the code of conduct of a prisoner’s wife. In such a merger it is impossible to adequately perceive your love. Any attempts by friends to show the “true face” of the prince are rejected. It is impossible for her to admit reality or refuse: if she behaves incorrectly, she will face a painful loss of the relationships that she has.

The psyche has a method of self-preservation from destruction. These are psychological defenses: denial and repression make it possible to gradually survive the blows of pain and grief, giving gradualness in experiencing losses. But these same psychological defenses also work when we want to hide from other types of pain: from the truth that is too hard for us to believe, from the collapse of our illusions. Simply because we really want to believe them, we crave love and acceptance. Therefore, we can be mistaken for a long time about what the people around us are like. This mechanism works not only in the case of relationships with a prisoner, but also in relationships with dependent people, as well as in relationships where there is psychological and physical violence. One of the most striking examples of mental self-defense is the “Stockholm” syndrome. When a victim of violence falls in love with the rapist.

What to do if you fall in love with an ex-prisoner? The situation is not easy: your relatives never tire of repeating that you are crazy, some of your friends are already starting to look askance, while others, on the contrary, are trying to cheer you up, giving examples from life in which everything ended well. And I want to challenge all the opponents of your relationship - to prove that everything will be different for you than for others, you will re-educate him, only with you will he become a human being! On the other hand, I don’t want to upset my parents or spoil relationships with those for whom communication with a former prisoner is unacceptable.

In this article, we will analyze typical life situations in which women fall in love with former prisoners, and we will try to give good advice to those who find themselves in their place.

Why do girls fall in love with ex-prisoners?

There are many reasons for this, and if you delve into yourself, you can probably compare your situation with these:

• A pity. Love out of pity is generally a strange and terrible thing. A person who is treated with pity should be humiliated by this feeling. Love should be built on mutual respect, but not on a woman’s desire to “pity” the unfortunate prisoner. However, many fall into this trap - because a loved one, who is in prison or has recently been released, seems to be unfairly offended. So the girls are trying to restore justice with their love.
• Increased attention from a former prisoner. The everyday life of a person serving a sentence is not very eventful - this is what pushes men who are not very romantic in everyday life into long correspondence and telephone conversations with unfamiliar women. After leaving prison, many cannot find work for a long time due to a criminal record (and some do not even try to work). Of course, a man who is passionate about his career will not be able to hang on the phone with you all night. But think for yourself, what do you need - prison romance and long night conversations or a relationship with a self-sufficient person who can provide for himself?
• Belief in one’s own exclusivity, the ability to “re-educate” a prisoner. Many women who have started relationships with a prisoner or a person who has recently served his sentence. sincerely believe that without their support and love he will again end up in slippery slope, but with them he will become a wonderful and caring family man. Of course, such exceptions happen, but... In most cases, the prisoner is completely indifferent to whom he corresponds and calls, he just needs “someone” who will help financially in the first months after release, and a little care and affection will not hurt anyone. This does not mean at all that it was you who became for him the very guiding star for the sake of which he wants to “correct” and become a different person.

What to expect from a relationship with a former prisoner?

We think that our position on the question “Is it worth dating a former prisoner” has already become clear to you from what was said above. But over and over again girls and women repeat: “ He not like that! Our relationship will be different!” Alas, statistics say otherwise. Let's take a look at what you can expect if you decide to start a relationship or even start a family with someone who has served a prison sentence:

• The likelihood of relapse is high. Alas, in our country the conditions of detention of prisoners are such that after leaving prison, even those who end up there due to “youth and stupidity” often break down and cannot continue a full life in freedom. And if you have fallen in love with a former prisoner who has been on trial and imprisoned more than once or twice, then you can safely give guarantees: you will not stay with him for long. Waiting for a guy from the army is a commendable thing, but from prison... Think about it, do you want to spend your life waiting for him to return from prison?
• Cruelty and aggression. While you are communicating at a distance and you do not know him too closely, of course, he will claim that he is in prison for “trifles,” but still try to find out the number of the article under which he was convicted. Even if your lover’s offense is not as terrible as murder or rape, one way or another you should not forget that he broke the law and intentionally harmed another person or people. And we repeat again: in the “zone” your potential boyfriend or husband has seen plenty of aggression and violence, and has probably also participated in clashes himself. One fine day he may raise his hand against you.
• Problems with socialization. Many people who have served a long prison sentence or several completely lose the skills of normal communication and activity in society. Your loved one will retain habits for the rest of his life that will terrify you. Getting a job for a former prisoner is not an easy task. The very fact of having a criminal record will repel most respectable employers, but this is not scary - your lover, most likely, will no longer be able to work, because in the “zone” he is used to receiving shelter and bread for nothing. It is quite possible that a relationship with you is a way for him to settle down on someone else’s neck.
• Circle of friends. If you fell in love with a former prisoner who has been in prison more than once, he has formed a certain circle of friends even in freedom. Even if your beloved seems to you like an innocently offended God's dandelion, his acquaintances may turn out to be much worse. If you are not tempted by the prospect of spending weekends in the company of former prisoners, you should not start a relationship with one of them.
• You could be the next victim. There are often cases when a prisoner went straight from prison to a woman with whom he had established a romantic correspondence, settled in her apartment, and then systematically ruined her - he lived on her money, unobtrusively asked to register the property in his name, or simply robbed her. But property is a matter of gain; Your health may also suffer. If you know that your lover has already raised his hand against a person, who can give you guarantees that he will not hit or otherwise harm you?

If you decide to start a relationship with a former prisoner

We really hope that the arguments above have dissuaded you from this idea. “But there are families where everything is fine!” you exclaim. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule. If your lover is a person with a really strong will, who has deep feelings for you and is ready to lead a normal life in society, then everything may well work out for you. But this case is one in a million. Therefore, at the end of this article, we would like to give some advice in case you still decide to challenge fate:

• Keep distance. If you met while your lover was incarcerated, you didn't really have the opportunity to really get to know him. This means there is no need to rush things. Under no circumstances should you allow an ex-convict to live in your apartment or take your money, even if he claims that he has no one else and no one else to go to. If he insists, this is a bad sign: most likely, he just wants to take advantage of your kindness. In addition, an adult must be able to provide for himself. Explain that you are ready to support him in every possible way morally, but not financially - if after this his attitude towards you becomes cool, it means there was no love on his part.
• Don't rush to introduce him to the children. If you have a child, you shouldn't immediately make an ex-convict a new member of your family. On the contrary, in this case you should be doubly careful. There are frequent cases where former prisoners beat and even raped adopted children. Therefore, establish a distance between him and your child until you are one hundred percent sure of the adequacy and seriousness of your lover’s intentions.
• Get to know him better. His habits, friends, value system will tell a lot about him. How will your loved one react to the fact that one day you want to break up with him? Is he capable of hitting a woman? What are his plans for the future? Of course, you shouldn't arrange an interrogation, but you can use the simplest trick: tell a story about some fictional friend and ask his opinion. If he even verbally allows violence against women, children, resolving issues by force, or any illegal schemes, you should stay away from this person.

Residents of the Moscow region told RIAMO why they fell in love with the prisoners.

Today, those who want to find a soul mate have many ways to meet, but some people deliberately choose their mate among prisoners. Moreover, for some this is an accident, while others are looking for acquaintance with prisoners on purpose. A RIAMO correspondent asked people who meet with prisoners why they need it.

Margarita, 28 years old, dancer (Podolsk):

“I was always attracted to the romance of prison, so I purposefully met prisoners. I can even use a hairdryer.

Finding a life partner in the zone is as easy as shelling pears - through groups on social networks. Of course, I didn’t want to become a victim of some criminal.

Arthur is already my third prisoner boyfriend. Before him, I dated two more. One tried to scam me out of money: either he asked for cigarettes by the block, or for groceries. The second one turned out to be married.

Arthur is not with me out of self-interest, his passport is clean and he is imprisoned out of stupidity - I checked everything. He lent a friend 50 thousand dollars, but did not take a receipt. He bought an SUV, but was in no hurry to repay the debt. Then Arthur stole his car to sell, but was caught and received a four-year sentence.

Arthur will be released in six months. But I’m afraid that when he’s free he’ll seem uninteresting to me and I’ll be attracted to prisoners again.”

Inna, 48 years old, tutor in English language(Moscow):

I wanted to tear up the letter at first, but decided to just chat. We began a correspondence. I found out that Oleg was convicted of murder: he defended his wife from hooligans. After the verdict, his wife left him. I fell in love and went on a date with him. I didn’t listen to anyone’s excuses. We liked each other and got married six months later. Oleg was released two years later, we began to live together.

I looked for a job for almost a year, and eventually got a job as a loader. And then he was detained again - for theft. He said that he was set up, because he is a prisoner.

Now my husband is back in prison, and I’m waiting for him. I was very tired of endless transfers, trains, buses and queues in front of the colony gates. I don’t know how long I’ll last.”

Pavel, 45 years old, welder (Moscow):

“I met Svetlana three years ago. By that time, I had divorced my wife, and she decided to take her sons abroad. I had to hire a lawyer and a legal battle began. Once a lawyer told me that he was handling the case of a 23-year-old girl who was caught selling drugs, and showed me a photo. His client turned out to be a real beauty. At that moment, something clicked inside me, and I asked to introduce us.

Sveta said that she was born in Nizhnevartovsk, came to the capital in search of work, and was pushed onto a crooked path by poverty and the betrayal of a loved one. I felt like this was my soul mate.

She has a maximum of three more years to serve, but we hope for parole. I always go on dates with her. She has not yet reciprocated my feelings, and our relationship is more of a friendly nature. But I’m sure that I can achieve love, because I don’t need anyone except her.”

“I’ve been married to a prisoner for three years. We met through correspondence on social networks. He remained silent for a year and sat there. Yuri introduced himself as the owner of a book business. I told all my friends what kind of gentleman I had - smart, erudite, inquisitive.

The strange thing was that he did not insist on a meeting, then I myself offered to meet. And then he admitted that he was in a colony. I was in shock, in tears, depressed. He asked for forgiveness and begged her to come on a date with him. I got ready and went.

At home I cried with anger at myself. And then Yura writes to me: why didn’t you come? It turned out that when agreeing on a date, I wrote his last name incorrectly, and they brought another person to me. We finally met Yura, then again and again. We ended up getting married and are now constantly in touch.

He is imprisoned for theft - he cannot pass by someone else's thing that he likes. He has had this since childhood; his parents did not treat him, but only punished him. I think the problem is in his head. If it comes out, we’ll go to a psychotherapist together.”

Yulia, 32 years old, real estate manager (Korolev):

“Igor is my first love, we studied in the same class, dated for eight years. But then he became jealous of my teacher at the university and attacked him with his fists. I persuaded him not to go to the police, but I had to break up with Igor - my parents were strongly against my relationship with the brawler. At first I was very worried, but then I met another guy, got married and gave birth to a daughter.

A year ago I accidentally met my mother ex-lover. She said that her son was in prison for causing grievous bodily harm. He and his friends got into a fight, and one of the participants ended up in the hospital with an open head injury, broken ribs and a ruptured spleen. Despite this terrible story, I realized that I still love Igor and cannot live without him.

In prison, Igor admitted that his feelings for me had not cooled down. I told my husband about everything, now we are enemies, and he threatens to take the child if “my prisoner” lives in the same apartment with our daughter. Parents are also against it. But I'm truly happy. Igor will serve another 6 years, but I hired a lawyer, and he promises to reduce the term.”