Some researchers believe that middle age is perceived by adults as “a period when hopes are dashed and many opportunities seem lost forever.”
The first stage of middle age begins around age thirty and continues into the early part of the next decade. This stage is called the “decade of doom” and the “mid-life” crisis. Its main characteristic is the discrepancy between a person’s dreams and life goals and the reality of his existence. Since human dreams almost always have some unrealistic features, sometimes even fantastic, assessments of their discrepancy with reality at this stage are usually colored in negative, emotionally distressing tones. Time is running out to make a gap between dreams and reality, which suddenly reveals itself with terrifying sharpness. When filling out questionnaires, people aged 35 to 40 begin to disagree with phrases such as “there is still plenty of time to do most of what I want.” Instead, they state: “It’s too late to change anything in my career.” At the age of 20 and 30, a person can be “promising” - people can say about him: “Here is a promising young artist, leader, psychologist or administrator,” but after 40 no one will say that anymore - this is the time of fulfillment of promises. A person must accept the fact that he will never again become the president of a company, a deputy, a famous writer, and even more than that, that he will never become a vice president or an insignificant writer.
Liberation from illusions, which is not unusual for 35 or 40 years old, can be threatening for the individual. Dante described his own confusion at the beginning of the decade of the fatal crisis: “Having completed half my earthly life, I found myself in a dark forest, having lost the right path in the darkness of the valley.”
The decline in physical strength and attractiveness is one of the main problems that a person faces during the midlife crisis and later. For those who rely on their physical attributes when they were younger, middle age can be a period of severe depression.
The second major issue of midlife is sexuality. The average person exhibits some variation in interests, abilities and opportunities, especially as children grow older. Many people are amazed at how big a role sexuality played in their relationships when they were younger.
Successfully reaching midlife maturity requires considerable flexibility. One important type of flexibility involves “the ability to vary emotional investment from person to person and from activity to activity. Emotional flexibility is necessary, of course, at any age, but in middle age it becomes especially important as parents die, children grow up, and children leave home.
Another type of flexibility that is also needed is “spiritual flexibility.” There is a certain tendency among mature people to become increasingly rigid in their views and actions, to close their minds to new ideas. This mental closeness must be overcome or it will develop into intolerance or fanaticism. In addition, rigid attitudes lead to mistakes and an inability to perceive creative solutions to problems. Successful resolution of a crisis usually involves reframing ideas within a more realistic and restrained perspective and recognizing the limited time of each person's life. The spouse, friends and children become increasingly important, while the self is increasingly deprived of its exclusive position. There is an increasing tendency to be content with what we have and to think less about things that we will most likely never achieve.
During midlife, both men and women reconsider their goals and reflect on whether they have achieved the goals they previously set for themselves. During early adulthood, people establish themselves in a professional field. In middle age, they often begin to look at their work differently. Most are aware that they have made their professional choice and must live with it. Some who become disillusioned with their jobs, lose them, or do not achieve the professional position they had hoped for may experience bitterness and discouragement. Others may rearrange their priority systems. Changing priorities occurs not only in the field of professional activity. For example, some people decide in midlife to place more emphasis on interpersonal relationships or moral obligations and less on professional development.
Midlife crisis. The first stage of middle age begins around age thirty and continues into the early part of the next decade. This stage is called the “decade of doom” and the “midlife crisis.” Its main characteristic is the discrepancy between a person’s dreams and life goals and the reality of his existence. Since human dreams almost always have some unrealistic features, sometimes even fantastic, the assessment of their discrepancy with reality at this stage is colored, as a rule, in negative, emotionally painful tones. Time is running out to make a gap between dreams and reality, which suddenly reveals itself with terrifying sharpness. When filling out questionnaires, people aged 35-40 begin to disagree with phrases such as “there is still a lot of time to do most of the things I want.” Instead, they state: “It’s too late to change anything in my career.” At 20 and 30 years old, a person can be “promising” - people can say about him: “Here is a promising young artist, leader, psychologist or administrator,” but after 40 no one will say that anymore - this is the time of fulfillment of promises. A person must accept the fact that he will never again become the president of a company, an MP, a famous writer, and even more than that, that he will never become a vice president or an insignificant writer. Liberation from illusions, which is not unusual for 35 or 40 years old, can be threatening to the individual. Dante described his own confusion at the beginning of the decade of the fatal crisis: “Having completed half my earthly life, I found myself in a dark forest, having lost the right path in the darkness of the valley.” Eleanor Roosevelt, six days after her 35th birthday, expressed her feeling, although less poetically, but no less powerfully. “I don’t think that I will ever experience such strange feelings as last year... All my self-confidence suddenly disappeared...”. An analysis of the lives of artists and performers in almost every case reveals one or another dramatic change in their work somewhere around 35 years. Some of them, such as Gauguin, began their creative work at this time. Others, on the contrary, lost their creativity and motivation for about 35 years, and many of them died. The death rate of artists and performers between 35 and 39 years of age increases abnormally. Those of them who survive fatal traits, while maintaining their creative potential, usually exhibit significant changes in the nature of creativity. Often these changes concern the intensity of their work: for example, brilliant impulsiveness gives way to freer and more mature creativity. Indeed, one of the reasons for the midlife crisis among artists is that the “impulsive brilliance” of youth requires great vitality. At least partly these are physical forces, so no one can maintain them indefinitely. At the age of 35 and 40, an artist (or manager, or professor) leading a busy life must change the pace of his life and not “exert himself” so much. Thus, the problem of diminishing physical strength inevitably arises in the life of a person of any profession. Main problems. The decline in physical strength and attractiveness is one of the main problems that a person faces during the midlife crisis and later. For those who rely on their physical qualities when they were younger; middle age can be a period of severe depression. Stories of beautiful and charming women fighting the ravages of time have become commonplace. A natural disaster of declining physical strength of people in an unexpectedly wide range of professions, including artists and performers. University professors recall with regret their ability during their student years to spend several days without sleep if an important matter required it. Many people simply complain that they start to get tired too often. Although a well-designed daily exercise program and appropriate diet do work, most people in middle age begin to rely more and more on their “brains” rather than their “brawn.” They find new advantages in knowledge, accumulating life experience, and acquire wisdom. The second major issue of midlife is sexuality. The average person exhibits some variation in interests, abilities and opportunities, especially as children grow older. Many people are amazed at how big a role sexuality played in their relationships when they were younger. Consent in midlife requires considerable flexibility. One important type of flexibility involves “the ability to vary emotional investment from person to person and from activity to activity. Emotional flexibility is necessary, of course, at any age, but in middle age it becomes especially important as parents die, children grow up, and children leave home. The inability to engage emotionally with new people and new activities leads to the kind of stagnation that Erickson described. Another type of flexibility that is also needed is “spiritual flexibility.” There is a certain tendency among mature people to become increasingly rigid in their views and actions, to close their minds to new ideas. This mental closeness must be overcome or it will develop into intolerance or fanaticism. In addition, rigid attitudes lead to mistakes and an inability to perceive creative solutions to problems. Stabilization. Successful resolution of a crisis usually involves reframing ideas within a more realistic and restrained perspective and recognizing the limited time of each person's life. The spouse, friends and children become increasingly important, while the self is increasingly deprived of its exclusive position. There is an increasing tendency to be content with what we have and to think less about things that we will most likely never achieve. During midlife, both men and women reconsider their goals and reflect on whether they have achieved the goals they previously set for themselves. During early adulthood, people establish themselves in a professional field. In middle age, they often begin to look at their work differently. Most are aware that they have made their professional choice and must live with it. Some who become disillusioned with their jobs, lose them, or do not achieve the professional position they had hoped for may experience bitterness and discouragement. Others may rearrange their priority systems. Changing priorities occurs not only in the field of professional activity. For example, some people decide in midlife to place more emphasis on interpersonal relationships or moral obligations and less on professional development.
“Midlife is a period of profound psychological transformation.” Murray Stein
In the period between thirty and forty years, many come to reassess their previous life choices (in marriage, in career, in the sphere of global life goals and meanings). Quite often it comes to divorce and a change of professional activity. The first years after thirty, as a rule, are a time of mastering and getting used to new choices in life, or a confirmation of previous choices and life goals, but at a new turn of fate.
This period of life is called the “decade of doom” and the “midlife crisis.” Its main characteristic is the awareness of the discrepancy between a person’s dreams and life goals and the reality of his existence.
The most obvious and potentially valuable symptom that accompanies the “midlife transition” is internal conflict. “A completely unbearable inner discord,” writes Carl Gustav Jung, “is proof of your true life. Life without internal contradictions is either only half of life, or life in the Beyond, which only angels live.”
Transformation (often quite painful) in the middle period of life is a key moment in the transition from the first half of our life to the second. This transformation reflects not only the crisis of the personal Ego, but also the possibility of the manifestation of Essential Energy, the birth of a new energy center in a person’s consciousness - his Essential Core. Everything that manifests itself and takes root in our personality during this period will serve as both soil and seeds throughout our subsequent lives.
Now let’s look at the signs of a midlife crisis, which are almost identical in both men and women. The most important point in mental development related to the midlife crisis is a fundamental change in attitude - from self-identification with the Ego to self-identification with the Essence. If this change of self-identification is unsuccessful, the entire second half of life will be permeated with feelings of dissatisfaction and bitterness, a feeling of loss of inner meaning, which will result in a state of neurosis.
A positive outcome of the midlife transformation, on the contrary, gives a person the necessary perspective for growing creative potential, gaining wisdom, and a correct and holistic understanding of oneself.
Stages of overcoming a midlife crisis
Psychologists describe the path to exiting the “middle crisis” in different ways, but in general many agree with the periodization of this crisis proposed by Jungian analyst Murray Stein. He identifies three stages in the process of transformation at midlife.
First stage
A feeling of irretrievable loss and the need to part with the past - past ideals, dreams, myths and illusions. They must be “mourned and buried.”
Second stage
A period of “suspense” and uncertainty: many new questions arise, the main one of which is the question of one’s previous identity and understanding of oneself. And to understand yourself, your goals, your destiny (path), a developed Vishuddha is simply necessary, because it is she who is “responsible” for these aspects of life.
For many, this stage may turn out to be critical and will not end soon, since its duration depends on the degree of a person’s readiness to accept himself in a new role and wisely manage all his past experiences. Our attempts to end this period prematurely often lead to the cessation of the realization of our creative potential and jeopardize its very existence, as well as our transition to the next stage of life. During this period, the formation of a new world takes place, and this requires time.
Third stage
Finally, at the third stage, a new personality is born, and it also needs time to manifest its unique characteristics and find a stable position in the flow of life.
It should be noted that it is impossible to accurately determine the boundaries of these stages; each of them smoothly passes into the other, and sometimes they even go through them again (subject to incomplete or ineffective implementation).
Here is a description of some typical problems that a person experiences during a midlife crisis:
A) Understanding that you have already achieved what you wanted, that this is the maximum, there is nowhere else to strive;
B) Instead of reaching the peak, a person finds a plateau where only part of what was planned was realized. For example, a career, a smart child, and divorced from her husband/wife. Or, husband/wife, children, an interesting job where you are valued, but you have a rented apartment and always barely have enough money until payday. Or money, career, ideal marriage, but no children, and no longer healthy to give birth;
C) It happens that a midlife crisis begins when something happens in life. For example, instead of a high position that you have been striving for for a long time - a career collapse or an irreparable and untimely loss.
D) Getting used to putting everything off until later, a person notices that others have long overtaken him, and he is unlikely to have time to make up for lost time in his life.
Since human dreams almost always have some unrealistic features, sometimes even fantastic, the assessment of their discrepancy with reality during this period is colored, as a rule, in negative and emotionally painful tones. Time is running out in order to reveal the gap between dreams and reality quite clearly, sharply and painfully for a person. Quite often during this period a person feels a feeling of emptiness and a lack of meaning in life.
Some characteristic features of this period:
Long-term moods of apathy and depression,
Feelings of disillusionment and disappointment either in life in general or in certain people who were previously idealized;
The dreams of youth disappear or are brutally destroyed;
Anxiety about death creeps into the soul, and people often say that their life will end before they can “really live.”
The transformation of illusions, which is not unusual in adolescence, can be quite threatening and painful for a person at 35 or 40 years old.
Understand that what is happening to you is a completely natural phenomenon that every person encounters in their life.
Do not treat the difficulties of this period as a sentence, but as an opportunity to discover new facets of yourself and new prospects in life.
Do not bring yourself to the point of chronic fatigue syndrome and overwork, rest and relax more often (for example, active recreation, trips to nature with the whole family or walking, etc.).
Fourth:
Find a source of personal inspiration (new hobby, meeting new people with similar interests, spending more time with friends). Try changing your usual lifestyle.
Analyze and change your attitude towards work. Do you like what you have to do? Do you receive a return from your work, both materially and in moral satisfaction? Does your work benefit anyone? How well do you cope with the assigned tasks? If the answers are mostly negative, think about it: maybe it’s time to find a more suitable option for yourself?
Restore or re-build trusting relationships with your family. For the most part, it is our family that is our only lifeline in the stormy sea of life's ups and downs.
Seventh:
Stop idealizing yourself, learn to look at things realistically. This helps a person understand himself faster. It is better to admit to yourself some mistakes and mistakes that were made in the process of life, try to correct them, than to keep silent about these situations and pretend that everything is fine.
Eighth:
Often a midlife crisis is accompanied by a fear of imminent old age, a fear of becoming frail and useless to anyone. In this case, it is worth remembering famous people who, at a fairly advanced age, continued their active work, wrote books, paintings, etc.
The word "crisis" comes from the Greek krineo, which means « road separation» . A man in crisis is like a knight at a crossroads. He stands and thinks: where should he go? Maybe we can try to unobtrusively guide him along the right path?
A midlife crisis happens to men in their 30s and 40s. For some a little earlier, for others a little later. No matter what they call it - “mid-life crisis”, “decade of the fatal point”, or even simply - “gray hair in the beard - devil in the rib”.
Suddenly a thought dawns on me: life is passing, but I haven’t experienced it yet, haven’t had time, haven’t experienced it... “It’s now or never!” - the man decides and rushes to catch up with the runaway train in a sprint. Captivated by “wanderlust,” he changes jobs, social circles, wife... In general, he goes wild. Or vice versa - he lies down on the sofa, where he spends most of his time, nostalgic for the past years and regretting missed opportunities.
Story one: SASHA
He is 36, but he doesn’t like to remember it and does his best to disguise his age. His clothing style cannot be called anything other than “up to 16 and older”: tight trousers, colorful shirts, blouses with a hood - everything that teenagers usually wear. The head is adorned with the ever-present red baseball cap—Sasha wears it to the feast, to the world, and to good people. Either he believes that this headdress is the best addition to his sporty teenage style, or he simply disguises his emerging baldness with it - after all, there are no bald teenagers.
Ten years ago, Sasha married a girl who was expecting a child from him, and divorced her as soon as this same child was born. He sometimes calls his son, but rarely meets with him. Sasha no longer officially tied himself to Hymen, preferring short, non-committal novels. All his girlfriends, as well as his friends, are 10–15 years younger than him, which does not bother Sasha at all. After all, he, too, according to him, feels like he’s twenty.
He lives alone, travels around the world exclusively by hitchhiking, jumps with a parachute, dreams of mastering a hang glider and believes that no midlife crisis threatens him. He's just like Peter Pan - a boy who could fly and didn't want to grow up.
You still have to grow up!
The problem can be denied as much as you like, but the contradiction between real age and behavior inappropriate to it is obvious. Sasha does not accept herself as a thirty-six-year-old, trying to retain her fading youth. This also happens to some women who, at the age of 40, try to look like the little sister-friends of their growing daughters.
It is worth asking yourself a question: why am I behaving this way? What do I want to show with this? Why don't I want to grow up? Maybe I'm afraid of loneliness? And think about it - the sooner, the better. After all, 36 isn't that much. There is still time to change something in your life. For example, improve your relationship with your son. Which undoubtedly increases the chances of avoiding loneliness. And skydiving is great. Why not?
Story two: ANDREY
He got married very early - at 19. When his peers were going on dates and dancing at a disco, he was torn between diapers, notes and a nearby store, where he worked as a loader. Now his twin daughters are already 17 years old, he himself is 37. All his life he studied, worked, helped his wife raise children, made a career, created his own business, lost it and created it again... And then he got tired. So he said to his wife: “I’m tired and want to be alone. Relax". And he left for the dacha.
A week later, the wife, exhausted by suspicions and bad premonitions, decided that it was time to finally figure it all out. She got into the car and headed for the holiday village. What is he doing there? Who is he with? All the way her imagination painted pictures one more terrible than the other. Therefore, when she climbed onto the porch of their country house, she was already seething with righteous anger. When she grabbed the handle of the front door, she was anticipating quick reprisals against her rival. But then I decided to look out the window first. It was not curtained, the light was on in the house, so what was happening there was clearly visible. And something unimaginable happened...
On the floor, right in the middle of the room, Andrei was sitting, and in front of him, right there on the floor, lay... a toy railroad. Rails, plastic houses, stations, mountains, tunnels, trees, people... And a small train rushes briskly between them...
Latest toys
Already at the age of 19, Andrei fell on the shoulders of difficult responsibilities - a husband, father of two children, head of the family and breadwinner. Meanwhile, at heart he remained a boy who had not finished playing with trains. It always seemed to him that there was still a lot of time ahead, but his daughters are already 17, and the time is not far off when he will become a grandfather. More than half of your life has been lived, but what lies ahead... what lies ahead? Did I live right? What good did you see? What would happen if...
Most likely, Andrei retired to his dacha to ask himself these questions and look for answers to them, and not to play with trains. But nevertheless, the children's railway is very symbolic. It’s not for nothing that they say that men are like children. And even in the “coolest” and most courageous of them there lives a boy. And the world's largest collection of toy railways belongs, according to rumors, to such a “die nut” as Bruce Willis...
Andrei’s wife never entered the house then. Shocked by what she saw, she left for Moscow. And when Andrei returned there, she managed to find such words for him and arrange their future life in such a way that her husband’s crisis soon ended. Now they are traveling somewhere, it seems they went to Disneyland Paris. But she never told him about her trip to the dacha.
What should a woman do?
What to do if your man starts acting weird? How can you help him and yourself survive the crisis with minimal losses?
- Do not panic! Your situation is no exception. This happens in the vast majority of families. Be patient, everything passes. This too shall pass.
Don't rush into accusations and expressions of dissatisfaction. Don't throw tantrums. Instead, try to understand: “Why is he acting this way?”
Try to remain calm and confident. A man needs support now more than ever. Let the support come from you rather than from someone else.
If he started writing “a grandiose novel that will turn the whole world upside down,” became interested in “winter swimming,” or decided to grow champignons at home, don’t rush to twirl your finger at his temple. Are you sorry? Or better yet, become his ally. Growing champignons together strengthens the family!
Everything described in the previous paragraph also applies to sexual relationships. Here, too, it is better to become an ally before someone else becomes one. And here, too, it is categorically not recommended to twirl your finger at your temple, otherwise... you understand.
You should always try to look good. Especially during this period. Stay ahead of the competition. But at the same time, remember - a well-groomed appearance, a fashionable hairstyle and expensive clothes are worth absolutely nothing if a sincere interest in the fate of your man does not shine in your eyes.
Even if with the words: “You never understood me, but finally I found the one who appreciated me!” he leaves home in search of a better life; experience shows that this, as a rule, does not last long. Most likely he will come back. If, of course, you accept it.
In general, history knows many examples when, after 30–40 years, a person discovered some hitherto hidden talent in himself and began a new, interesting life. Here, men have a lot to learn from more flexible and stress-resistant women: instead of indulging in universal grief while lying on the couch, they get a new education, begin to draw pictures and write books. Especially lovely ladies have succeeded in the detective genre.
All crises end sooner or later. The storms subside, grown-up men put away their red baseball caps, boxes with railways are hidden on the mezzanine, prodigal husbands return to their families, life gets better...
And there are also men who have no crisis at all. Or it passes unnoticed. There are few of them, but they say they are found - those about whom the poet said: “Blessed is he who was young from his youth, blessed is he who matured in time...” Or maybe they just got wise wives?
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