We talked with Archpriest Vladimir Parkhomenko about what the hierarchy should be in a family and how not to raise a child to be an egoist. Today we will talk about such serious and often unshakable family members as mother-in-law and mother-in-law, about how they should act in relation to a young family and how the family should react to their intervention.

Limit interference

Father Vladimir, in Russian folk tradition there are a lot of jokes associated with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law. And these jokes are sometimes quite bitter. We have to admit that when we get married, our mothers, for all their good intentions, sometimes have a destructive effect on our family. How should our people behave? Dear Parents so as not to harm us in marriage?

The Bible says - let the husband separate from his mother and cleave to his wife. Since we are talking about Christian family building, everything here should be very simple: the husband left his parents and clung to his wife. In the same way, a wife must cleave to her husband, become part of him, half of him.

As soon as the family was created, the ship went to sea. This is an independent unit. And what's the problem? The fact that not everyone immediately perceives it as such is well known from family psychology. As a rule, for at least three years, neither the wife's parents nor the husband's parents perceive them as a family. For them, he is still their Kolya, their Masha. And some Sasha stuck to her, and to Kolya - "This Lena is a fool" which " ruins his life...

A lot of different personalities are superimposed on this scheme. For example, the wife's mother may be overly active, and the husband's father may be too domineering. There are many options, but in each of them the task of both the husband and wife in a young family is to protect their own family, their ship that has just put to sea from those ropes that parents are trying to throw on board in order to moor it.

- How to protect? You can't throw your parents overboard. And we love them, as a rule...

Limit their interference. I’m not going to tell you all the ins and outs of my personal family experience, but I assure you - we are an ordinary family, we have nothing ideal. All the problems that everyone had, we experienced and went through on our own skin.

A husband must protect not only his wife, but his own family from his parents. When mom starts to pick on her brains - yes, she is like this, she is like that - wisdom is simply needed here. On the one hand, you need not to offend your own mother, on the other hand, everything that she poured out on you must be buried within yourself. You don’t need to be a repeater, you need to be such a good “swamp” in which everything drowns. Because it will be extremely difficult for your own spouse to perceive criticism addressed to you, relayed by you.

Husband and wife are one. There should be no one closer and dearer. And if a husband begins to express to his wife a claim that his mother expresses to him, this is extremely offensive for the wife. She feels that she is losing protection, losing in him the one who, in principle, should protect her. The same is true vice versa. Therefore, this is the primary task of young people - to protect their family from outside influences.

Moreover, I will say that when we marry people, we always warn them that in family relationships There is such a law: as soon as you become husband and wife, you must not tell anyone anything at all about your family relationship. So mom asks: how’s it going? "Everything is fine mom, everything is fine...."

- But mom won’t give up so easily. She’s interested, she’ll start asking further questions.

And you continue to lull her vigilance - "It's okay mom, don't worry...." All of this needs to be blocked. You cannot allow someone to get involved in your relationship, even under a plausible pretext - this is the law. If your parents, as well as numerous relatives, get used to this at the first stage, then they will stop bothering you altogether.

- It’s probably hard for moms to get used to it right away. It is difficult to part with a child. It may begin to seem that your own son, whom you raised for twenty years, is moving away from you. Or maybe he’s already fallen out of love altogether “because of this stupid Lena”...

There should be no rivalry, no selfish attachment. You need to be able to let go of your son or daughter. So what if I raised you for twenty years? Now I've already grown it. Don't keep it to yourself all your life.

As for good relations, if there were between mother and son or mother and daughter, if they were truly close people, then they will remain so at a distance.

In general, the most reliable remedy against all problems is to resettle the young, as has always been the case. In Rus', young people were always resettled; they always immediately had their own housing. What was it like in Russian villages? They are preparing for the wedding - they are building a house for the newlyweds. Or, at the very least, some kind of outbuilding is added, or at worst, a separate room is allocated. Just a separate one that they wouldn’t go into.

You understand what separate living means for a young family. Therefore, if you don’t have your own separate housing, but there is the slightest opportunity to rent a house, this is very important in the first stages of family life. And if this does not work out, then greater wisdom is simply needed here. It must be taken into account that living together will bring more difficulties into a joint relationship.

Don't drive into a corner

- You speak - no need to relay negativity. But it happens that the husband tries not to relay, but the wife still feels that his mother does not love her. She becomes offended and insults his mother in front of him. Then he becomes offended - this is his mother, he cannot tolerate insults towards her even from his beloved wife. How can we be here? Many people stumble over this tangle of contradictions and mutual grievances...

This is already the wife's mistake. It's very simple thing- in our life there are certain statuses, and the commandment "honor your father and mother" no one canceled. And the wife must understand that she cannot provoke her husband to violate this commandment. Because it is basically a religious thing and he will be forced to react to it.

And even if you have become a family, no one can cancel this commandment. Even if the parents died, no one cancels it, because then you should honor how? Pray for the repose of your parents. Therefore, no matter what kind of mother-in-law she is, the wife cannot provoke her husband. She understands perfectly well that there is, for example, a commandment - "Thou shalt not commit adultery." A normal woman would not think of provoking her husband to violate this commandment. It’s not possible here either. It's simple math.

At one time, Vladyka Evgeniy, rector of the Moscow Theological Academy, good example brought. He said that you should never drive a person into a corner. Because if you drive a person into a corner, he has only one way out of this situation - to hit you in the forehead and move on. There are no other options...

- By the way, about the forehead. I know cases where they are quite calm loving husbands raised their hands against their wives for speaking incorrectly about their mothers. I don’t condone this in any way, but I understand that it’s out of powerlessness.

Of course, what options remain? You put a person in a position in which he should not be put. This is a gross mistake, you can’t do this. We must repent and correct our life in this sense.

- Now half of the readers will think that we condone domestic violence...

Nothing like this. The husband also needs to repent for not restraining himself. Everyone must repent for their own.

- And if the mother-in-law doesn’t like her daughter-in-law for some reason, should the daughter-in-law try to earn her sympathy? Should I try to please her?

I don’t think there’s any need to deserve it specially. The task of the daughter-in-law in this case is to be critical of herself and the claims expressed by her mother-in-law. If she does not see any real guilt in herself; if she is not insolent to her mother-in-law, if she is not rude, if, in a word, she “doesn’t like” the moral component in this, then there is no need to do anything.

Why might her husband’s mother not like a girl? The reasons can be the most seemingly funny. For example, I came across the following things: for example, my mother-in-law scolds her for being slow. The mother-in-law is fast, and she is slow. And now my mother-in-law begins to irritate her - "this chicken does everything slowly, crawls there..."

Here we see carnal relationships, this is pure physiology. That is, she doesn’t like her daughter-in-law not because she bad person. She doesn’t like her qualities, her some purely physiological characteristics. There is no need to play any role or try to remake yourself. There is no reason for change here. You just need to humbly, in a Christian manner, bear this cross, especially since it is not the heaviest. Well, I don't like it and I don't like it. Take this as a given.

It will pass with time, I assure you. Life is a marathon. A few years will pass and everything will change. The hardest thing is the initial period of family life, because a family is not perceived as a family.

- And if there is a moral component to the mother-in-law’s antipathy, should you try to change yourself?

Yes, sure. If you see that you were harsh or behaved tactlessly, then correct yourself. But not for the sake of being liked, but in a Christian way. Strive for spiritual perfection and that’s it. Correct yourself not for your mother-in-law’s sake, but for your own sake. There is no need to do something special to yourself for the sake of someone. As Seraphim of Sarov said: save yourself and thousands around you will be saved. This is a rule for all time, for life.

Newspaper "Saratov Panorama" No. 44 (1023)

Having heard that when you get married you are going to live in your mother-in-law's house, married friends will probably be horrified. However, it happens that a young family still does not have the opportunity to live separately. What should I do?

The main problem is to share spheres of influence with my husband’s mother. Any woman needs her own home, and since you leave your “home” place for your husband, you have the right to expect that the new place will become a new home for you. However, your mother-in-law lived there long before you and did a good job running the household.

Still from the film “My Mother-in-Law is a Monster”

Love? Simply - respect

If you decide to live in your mother-in-law's house, you become a member of her family. Determine for yourself whether your mother-in-law suits you as a person in general? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider your husband’s mother a member of your family? Are you ready to say hello to her every morning, and if possible, friendly? Are you ready to sincerely choose a birthday gift for her? Are you ready not to share her son with her? If internally you view her as an “extra” person, as an obstacle to your family happiness, your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh everything wisely, even before the wedding.

Defining boundaries

At the stage of the “new housewife” entering her husband’s house, all conflicts between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law occur not at all because one of them did any specific “wrong thing,” but because one side violated the boundaries of the personal space of the other. For each person, these boundaries are located in different places, and determining the location using the “scientific poke” method is flammable. Living in the same house with a new person who belongs to a different generation and was formed as a person in completely different conditions than you is only possible if you remember every minute: you and your mother-in-law are completely different.

You should not rely on intuition, especially on your own opinion, it will only harm you in this situation. Discuss your life together in advance, and, as far as possible, find out everything openly and down to the smallest detail. Remember that your marital status is lower than that of your mother-in-law for many reasons: she is the mother of your husband, she is older, she is the mistress of the house where you are going to live. It's not that you're always destined to play Cinderella. However, it is you who should ask your mother-in-law how she sees your participation in the household. First of all, you yourself are interested in building a husband with your mother a good relationship, so don't wait for her to share her views with you. Start the conversation first

Discuss financial issues with your husband before moving. You must clearly know in which direction financial flows flow in the family. The difference in age and tastes often prevents the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law from having a common budget and living peacefully - at the same time. For a young woman, it is much more important how she looks than how good the greenhouse in the country is. In most cases, a successful way out of the situation is, however, a separate budget with a common household, and many mothers-in-law themselves insist on this. You will find yourself simultaneously freed from the title of “spoiled mooch” and from the need to constantly remember about gardening tools. The mother-in-law will be protected from receiving a shock due to the fact that she finds out the price of a ticket to a fashionable theater premiere.

• 1 Be prepared to learn how to cook from your mother-in-law. This is in your own interests: the more your kitchen resembles “mom’s,” the more your husband will love you. For your part, you can enrich your home menu with something. Contrasting your habits with the way of the home where your spouse grew up usually leads a young family to separate their budget and buy a personal refrigerator. In such houses, the eldest mother (usually through her son) sometimes asks the daughter-in-law to replenish the supply of public goods. vegetable oil, and the son from the next room “brings her the news” that the wife is against it: she just bought public salt from her salary. Well, many families actually live like this for years. Some even manage to be friends, and on holidays one family “visits the other.”
• 2 Any mother-in-law is pleased if her daughter-in-law asks her for advice. Be careful: accept the commands kindly, but do not swear on blood to use them, show that you still have the right to decide for yourself. Not all mothers-in-law are infinitely wise, otherwise the “second mother” may be offended by you for neglecting her care.
• 3 Maintain a harmonious balance between independence and correctness. If you consult with the head mistress every 5 minutes, she will think that you don’t know how to do anything. If you start commanding right away, it turns out that you are an invader.
• 4 Don’t give in to provocations like: “Work (study), I’ll do everything.” This may well be said sincerely, but in six months the mother-in-law herself will not be happy. IN best case scenario she will think you are lazy “in private.” At worst, she will complain to her son or accuse her daughter-in-law of leaving “all the dirty work” to her. To avoid misunderstandings, urge your second mother to assign you a specific area of ​​work for which you are responsible.
• 5 Immediately outline your zone of immunity. Just keep your room in order yourself. Tell them immediately if you don't like it when a closed door is opened without knocking. There is nothing terrible if you ask your husband to put a parallel telephone in the room: who likes to have any conversations in the company of someone else? Clearly indicate to your spouse’s mother those habits that you cannot give up. Please note that your life together will not last even a month if you make too many sacrifices at its altar.
• 6 Try not to complain to your husband about your mother-in-law. Common female mistake- to believe that the son can settle differences between the two most beloved women better than they themselves. On the contrary, any man gets nervous when he finds himself between two fires: after all, he is forced to “choose”, but he did not intend to do this. No matter how hard he tries, he will not be able to find a Solomonic solution, and his daughter-in-law and mother-in-law will also be offended by him. Resolve all ambiguities in the situation, do not hush up irritation. To the provocative question of your relatives, “Is your mother-in-law good,” answer with a smile: “I’m the one who’s good!”
• 7 Never quarrel with your husband in the presence of your mother-in-law and ask your husband that he express any dissatisfaction to you only in private.
• 8 Don’t forget the sharp folk wisdom: for every sneeze you won’t get well. Don't even try to "be better than you are." This will tire you pretty soon, after which you will also have the pleasure of watching how the “second mother” is “ostentatiously disappointed” with you... Do not torture yourself with vain attempts to love your mother-in-law if this does not work out. Remember: to love your mother-in-law, you must marry sibling, and this, fortunately, is impossible.

Based on site materials

However, like your mother-in-law! Remember, as in the joke: “What, mom? You won’t even drink tea?”

I remind you that husband and wife are one flesh. That is, they are not relatives, but one person! If the mother of a son or daughter is a first degree relative, then the spouses have a zero degree relationship.

Therefore, who should a wife love more? Naturally, my husband! And who should you listen to? Husband too! The same is true for a spouse.

2. “Who is Mom anyway, after you got married (got married)?”

For any married adult, mother is a very close relative. But nothing more! The closest relative after the wife (husband).

3. “Your blood does not belong to you after they get married!”

They belong to those with whom they live in legal marriage! Accordingly, the mother-in-law (mother-in-law) must understand this and take a step aside.

A normal person happily awaits the time when he can finally not be responsible for his children. And it’s not normal for a mother to take care of her son or daughter until old age!

4. “You need to not only love adult children, but also learn to let them go!”

You shouldn’t interfere in your children’s lives screaming: “I know better, I’m your mother!” Why do women cry when they marry off their daughters and marry off their sons? Because it's a breakup! You could even say that this is a kind of death!

After a wedding, one person dies and a completely different one is born. Therefore, in the hearts of close relatives, marriage is perceived as separation!

A mother-in-law or mother-in-law needs to learn to part with her grown-up child in order to calmly transfer him into the hands of her spouse.

Almost no one knows this. But that's what it is main reason conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (as well as between mother-in-law and son-in-law) from the point of view of root Orthodoxy!

5. “Some woman took my boy and is doing with him what she wants!”

Is this a familiar phrase? Many mothers-in-law think no better! In fact, mothers are putting their hands into someone else’s life, not realizing that they have already lost the place of the next of kin for their adult child. In marriage, this place is occupied by the spouse! This is where jealousy, envy and other negative feelings grow.

– In a young, newly formed family, there is no place for a mother-in-law. I remind you: husband and wife are one flesh, and not relatives at all, even the closest ones. This is one person. And mother is the closest relative. That is, kinship with the mother is a kinship of the first degree, and kinship between a husband and his wife or a wife with her husband is a kinship of the zero degree. Therefore, who should be loved more: mother or husband? Husband! Who should you obey more: your mother or your husband? Husband. Or the wife, if it is the husband. Who is your mother if you got married? A very close relative. But nothing more.

But mothers do not want to give up their positions: this is my baby, my little blood. Your little blood does not belong to you since he got married and she got married. Now he or she belongs to the one with whom he lives in a legal marriage. And you must understand this and take a step aside.

It is normal for a person to wait for the time when he will no longer be responsible for his children. And it’s not normal when he takes care of them until old age, and cackles at them, and interferes in their lives, because “Well, I know better: I’m your mother.” This intrusion into someone else's life is a very sad phenomenon. You need to love, but you need to strengthen your heart and put some distance between yourself.

Why, exactly, do they cry when they marry off their daughters or marry off their sons? Because this is a breakup. This is a real breakup. If anything, this is a kind of death. The transition from girlhood to womanhood – moral, social. It is one person dying and another person being born again. Therefore, it always reverberates in the hearts of loved ones as separation - real separation.

You need to be able to part with your grown-up children and hand them over to the arms of those who are intertwined with them. This is, in fact, the root Orthodoxy, which few people know about. And even if they know it theoretically, they don’t want to know it practically. Mothers - most often, fathers less often - seem to put their hands into someone else's life on the basis that she is a mother, without at all giving herself the trouble to understand that since the moment of marriage she has already lost the closest place to her child. The closest place was taken by the husband. Hence the jealousy, envy, and hatred of the mother-in-law towards her daughter-in-law. This is purely female jealousy: some woman took my boy and is bossing him around. This is purely human, partly erotic repressed, partly mentally ill. The terrible side of life.

It may be necessary to help somehow, but in general, let them cook their first useless borscht... By themselves! And you need to live separately. Let it be close, but separate. Let it be in a rented apartment, but separately. If a young family lives in the apartment of the wife's parents, the poor wife finds herself between two fires - between mother and husband, separating the warring sides. If they live with his parents, the poor husband tries to feel sorry for both his wife and mother. There's no need for all this fuss. Get married - take your wife under your arm, a suitcase with simple belongings in the other hand and blow on rented apartment so that your spirit is not in your parents' house. That's it, start living on your own. Well, you can go on a honeymoon after the wedding, and then immediately go to a rented apartment.
Archpriest Andrey Tkachev.

Unfortunately, interfamily conflicts (between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law) have long been an everyday reality in many newly formed families. This problem is especially acute if two generations have to live under the same roof.

Why do conflicts occur between new relatives? And who should adapt to whom?

The place of the mother-in-law (mother-in-law) in a young family

Wandering around the Internet in search of answers, we came across a very interesting video lecture by Archpriest Andrei Tkachev.

So, this is what a representative of the Christian religion thinks about the place of mother-in-law and mother-in-law in a newly formed family. Here are excerpts from Archpriest Andrei Tkachev’s speech to the congregation. Further from the first person.

1. “There is no place for a mother-in-law in a newly formed family!”

However, like your mother-in-law! Remember, as in the joke: "What mom? Won’t you even drink tea?”

I remind you that husband and wife are one flesh. That is, they are not relatives, but one person! If the mother of a son or daughter is a first degree relative, then the spouses have a zero degree relationship.

Therefore, who should a wife love more? Naturally, my husband! And who should you listen to? Husband too! The same is true for a spouse.

2. “Who is Mom anyway, after you got married (got married)?”

For any married adult, mother is a very close relative. But nothing more! The closest relative after the wife (husband).

3. “Your blood doesn’t belong to you after they get married!”

They belong to those with whom they live in legal marriage! Accordingly, the mother-in-law (mother-in-law) must understand this and take a step aside.

A normal person happily awaits the time when he can finally not be responsible for his children. And it’s not normal for a mother to take care of her son or daughter until old age!

4. “You need to not only love adult children, but also learn to let them go!”

You shouldn’t interfere in your children’s lives screaming: “I know better, I’m your mother!” Why do women cry when they marry off their daughters and marry off their sons? Because it's a breakup! You could even say that this is a kind of death!

After a wedding, one person dies and a completely different one is born. Therefore, in the hearts of close relatives, marriage is perceived as separation!

A mother-in-law or mother-in-law needs to learn to part with her grown-up child in order to calmly transfer him into the hands of her spouse.

Almost no one knows this. But this is the main reason for conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (as well as between mother-in-law and son-in-law) from the point of view of root Orthodoxy!

5. “Some woman took my boy and is doing with him what she wants!”

Is this a familiar phrase? Many mothers-in-law think no better! In fact, mothers are putting their hands into someone else’s life, not realizing that they have already lost the place of the next of kin for their adult child. In marriage, this place is occupied by the spouse! This is where jealousy, envy and other negative feelings grow.

The terrible truth of life: where relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, mothers-in-law and sons-in-law have not worked out, one can only make up jokes and cry bitterly!

Psychologist's opinion

Frankly, Archpriest Andrei Tkachev’s view of family relations surprised us very much. Therefore, we decided to search the Internet for the opinions of other experts. This is what the famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky thinks about the place of the mother-in-law (mother-in-law) in a young family.

Here are a few of his quotes on this topic.

In general, the priest and the psychologist agreed on one thing: we need to help the young, but let them cook their first useless borscht themselves. Therefore, a young family needs to live separately! If you get married, take your wife under your arm, a suitcase with simple belongings in your other hand, and into adulthood!

Do you agree with this solution to the problem? What, in your opinion, should be the place of a mother-in-law (mother-in-law) in a young family? Please share your thoughts in the comments!