15/10/03
Because it’s painful and insulting... YOU are alone, you can’t do anything... In a week it will be a year since my very close friend passed away.. I’m sitting drinking whiskey alone... Phew, just a disgusting mood... Wow... in the song: “I covered all the windows with heavy sleep, cold ice...” Sometimes I don’t understand why people are given such short life... I don’t understand... I just don’t understand...

Amarok, 26/10/03
I have a few of them and I treasure and love each one. Three days ago one of them was killed... I just don’t have the strength... I’m sitting right now and drinking whiskey again so that...

Dusty, 07/08/04
this is scary. Comrades, this is just scary. it all started on January 20, 2004 and now the 7th death... they leave and leave melancholy and hopelessness. they fall down stairs, get hit by cars, commit suicide - they all leave... now I'm just afraid to get close to someone - so as not to lose...

Olenenok, 11/08/04
This is terrible... Unfortunately, I know firsthand what it is... My friend Dima committed suicide because of unhappy love, Natasha died in an accident, Andryusha died of heart disease... Unbearable mental and heart pain, despair, emptiness... Cries of the soul: “Why?! For what?!”, which are destined to remain unanswered...

Poor Nelly, 11/08/04
Because it's terrible! And not only when friends die. When someone dies, you understand that we are not eternal, that maybe you will be next. The dead cannot be brought back. If a person dies, you will never see him again. I feel so lonely without my friend Katya, who was brutally killed by a maniac about a year ago. At her funeral, the coffin was not even opened - her body was so mutilated.

_Needle_, 14/08/04
I’m not afraid to repeat myself... They leave, leaving black holes... the sun is shining again, or it’s raining... or snowing... only for them it doesn’t matter anymore. They are not... not in this world. and there is no one to wander around the city with, no one to smoke with, no one to just sit and talk with... It's sad...

Nekonosan, 14/08/04
After them, only memory remains. But is she capable of replacing a living person, whom I saw alive a couple of weeks ago, talked to him, made plans... And what, moonshine, swimming on Ivan Kupala (which is absolutely forbidden to do) and then only a mound in the cemetery remains. And a memory that will also be erased with time. It seems that Tak has done little good for man, and caused him so much harm...

A.D.S., 14/08/04
It can be terrible. When instead of a person, only memories remain. When your legs give way from terrible news. When you want to cry. Because he's angry. Angry at fate. When you want the whole world to perish because it is unfair. One by one only the good die young...

Uno, 14/08/04
This is emptiness, such a terrible endless emptiness. Even if it was not close friendship, not even friendship, but some kind of warmth at a distance, but you understand that this person was... was your person... this is the worst of all, it is unfair, it is scary and dishonest. Every day is like a dream, like a nightmare, every day the sun rises, but you don’t understand - HOW IS THIS??? Why is it dawn again, why are people smiling, why is someone so happy when THIS person is no longer there? And you know that he could see both this and that, he could rejoice and bring joy to other people. He could... he could... but he won't.

vot, 14/08/04
I’m scared... scared that everything will be forgotten, but it will be... and scared that life goes on. each of us will die, but the world will survive. and why then live?

_Needle_, 26/02/05
March 5th is his birthday. Last year we celebrated it together. And now we will get together without him. Everything will be as before. Songs with guitar, warm. friendly company. Only he won't be there anymore. Never again. and there are tears in my eyes again. Hurt.

AlBaNi, 29/07/08
This is fucking terrible. It's not so much that he's your friend that's terrible, it's that good man died too early, and for a completely ridiculous reason. The realization that just yesterday he was alive, laughing, enjoying life, and the next day he died. I am very sorry for his parents, and in general for all his relatives and friends. I feel very sorry for myself, because I’m afraid that something similar could happen to me. And the thoughts about the afterlife that believers entertain themselves with are simply annoying. Death is the end, there was a man, and there is no man. It's a pity that for some it comes so early.

Traindriver, 16/01/10
Close friends, thank God, are all alive. But I remember two untimely deaths of good friends with whom I liked to communicate well. Moreover, in the second case, I only learned about the loss after a decent amount of time. One of them would have turned 34 this year, and the other 27, For both of them, everything was still ahead, but the villainous fate decreed otherwise...

Katrins, 27/10/10
Because it's difficult... it hurts... I lost the most close friend.... and she loved life so much... the wedding was planned... but fate is like this... now I’m drinking... I’m sad alone.... I really miss her... why do dear people leave us.. .and why at that moment I wasn’t there.... she seems to me everywhere... I can’t come to terms with it... I just can’t...

My friend died

Difficulties in relationships

My friend died

Each of us has our own path on Earth, which we must walk with pride and dignity. And each of us knows that sooner or later the moment will come when, with a smile on our faces, we will step towards the Light. But being prepared to face death in due time and losing your loved ones and friends are not the same thing.

Even the most confident and persistent men are very worried when they lose their friends. And this is because men lose much more than a friend. They lose their comrade, comrade-in-arms, interlocutor, assistant, adviser and even brother. Men lose a part of themselves that was one with their friend. All joint experiences and fateful decisions remain only in memory, and no one else can understand it.

A friend is a person who, despite all his disadvantages and shortcomings, still remains a reliable and devoted comrade. And no one knows why men need all this, but to have good friend worth a lot.

It is friends who help you cope with problems. You are sure that if your car breaks down at night and you are in the pouring rain, it will be your friends who will come to your aid. And when you make a breakthrough in life, it is your friends who share your success, and it is with them that you celebrate this event. Female friendship is supported by advice, while men are friends through deeds and actions. We didn’t come up with this, but each of us does exactly this.

It's hard to lose your friends

The day you lose your friend, the realization comes to you that one of your friends will never pat you on the shoulder, never ask for your advice, or discuss this life with you. It's difficult, it's hard, but you have to cope with it.

I will not regret or sympathize with you because it is suitable for girls, but not suitable for men. Male friendship is confirmed by actions and that is what you should do.

• Gather your mutual friends and remember the joyful moments from your life. I won't believe you if you didn't do anything stupid. Men are men to do what is forbidden. You should always see off a friend in friendly company and wish him all the best. This is right and should always be done, even if a friend leaves forever.
• Your friend's family and parents are feeling the loss very deeply. You need to be strong and show what your friendship was worth. Visit them, they need to talk. This is quite difficult to do, but as a friend, it is your responsibility to be with them, to be strong and to lend your shoulder.
• You need to go to your friend's grave and say goodbye to him. It doesn’t matter where it is located, once in your life you definitely should do it.

What you definitely shouldn't do is stay awake at night and reach for a glass. If you were in a lost state, your friend would come to your aid and tell you to stop suffering with nonsense. No one wants to harm you, so be strong, be a man.

When history turns into legend

One day you will be faced with a situation where your friend's old advice will help you decide big problem. And you will remember him with warmth in your heart and know that he always lent his shoulder. And this memory will forever leave your friend next to you.

No matter how much you would like it, time cannot be stopped. The loss cannot be compensated, but you can remember your friend in such a way that only words of pride and dignity characterize him as a person. And you have the opportunity to preserve everything bright and happy that you both had. So that on testing days this memory will give you strength and not deviate you from the desired course.

This will help:

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The largest men's psychological portal, which operates with the goal of supporting and mutual assistance to men. You can always get competent advice, a useful guide and live support from us.

This text was written almost a year ago for those who have never been to a funeral and for those who themselves or their friends have never lost loved ones. The pain goes away and it's time to publish it.

In the 40 years of my previous life, I only attended 2 funerals. Once (about 20 years ago) I was at the funeral of a colleague, the second time (about 10 years ago) at the funeral of a friend. Both times I had nothing to do with organizing the funeral.

Recently a misfortune happened in my family. A person close to me died and organizing the funeral fell on me. I've come all the way. I saw confusion in the eyes of my friends, who had also never been in a similar situation. They simply did not know how to behave - to call or not to bother, to come to the funeral or not, to say something or to remain silent. They really wanted to help me, but did not know how to do it and what to say in such cases. As a result, they did not do what I expected from them.

In this post I described my personal experience. I am sure that it is not universal and is not suitable for all cases. This is just my experience...

First, I will write about what you need to do if your loved one dies.

1. Call an ambulance so they can witness the death.
2. Call the police so they can make sure that the death was not violent.
3. Call a funeral service car to pick up the body. We tried to delay the arrival of this car until the morning, but we were not allowed to leave the body in the apartment - it was warm there.

The next day:

1. Arrive at Ambulance and receive a death certificate.
2. Come to the clinic and get another death certificate (I may confuse the names of the documents).
3. Get a signature and seal on this certificate from the head physician of the clinic.
4. Go to the registry office and get a death certificate.
5. Go to the funeral home and agree on everything.
6. Select a cemetery and choose a place in it. The most best places usually already marbled and prepared. They will be close to the entrance and much more expensive, but they will tell you that this is solely because of the marble. The places are further away, but on the first line the alleys will already have a foundation - this is four times cheaper than the previous ones, but still not cheap. If you are not ready for this, then you will be offered a place in order, which will be far from the path and you will have to make your way to it through other graves. The places there will be the cheapest - just a piece of land (at the Dubna cemetery one costs 11,000 rubles).
7. Next, you return to the funeral home and choose a coffin, pillows and blankets, wreaths and baskets of flowers, a hearse, a cross and a plaque (the monument can be erected no earlier than a year after the ground settles), you will carry the coffin yourself, or hire people for this and a lot of other things.
8. Go to the morgue and take there the things in which your loved one will be buried. Take a bar of soap, towels and cosmetics to be prepared.
9. Arrange with transport to transport everyone who came on the day of the funeral, first to the place of farewell (morgue or church), then to the cemetery and then to the place of the funeral.
10. Choose and agree with the restaurant where the funeral will be held. Select menu.
11. Call relatives and friends and tell them when and where the funeral will take place.

On the day of the funeral, you need to make sure that everything goes as you planned.

There is a term " pleasant chores". Usually it refers to a wedding or birthday. You need to organize everything, invite friends, order a cake, etc. A funeral is definitely a “nuisance chore” and there are a lot of them. You just lost someone close to you, and instead of just to cry, you are forced to draw up various certificates and organize funerals. At the same time, the officials you encounter in these institutions may have good mood, they may try to joke with you and they may not understand your condition at all. It's hard for you...

Now about how to behave if a loved one of your friend has died. The first 2 days are the most difficult for him. The third day is easier, but on the fourth there is a funeral.

If a friend called you and said that someone had died, then you don’t need to squeeze out a useless “condolence” and continue to breathe heavily into the phone. It is your friend. He feels very bad now. He is in trouble and you can help him.

Don't ask "How can I help?" Better find out what else needs to be done and think about how much of it you can take on.

Don't hesitate to call a friend. If he can't answer you, he won't answer. Or perhaps he is completely alone at this moment and he really needs to talk to someone, but he has already called everyone the first time. He himself will not call and say: “I need to talk to someone.” Call yourself. Find out what has already been done or what remains to be done or who is coming to the funeral or how his other loved ones are feeling... Just don’t leave your friend alone.

If you were personally acquainted with the deceased, then remember the cases of your acquaintance and communication. Remember any little things and tell your friend about them. It will be easier for him when he knows that he loved one remember.

Be sure to come to the funeral, even if you did not personally know the deceased. You come there not for the sake of the deceased, but for the sake of your friend who will live on.

Support your friend and try to be as close to him as possible during these days...

A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are:

• Be strong!
• Hold on!
• Take heart!
• My condolences!
• Any help?
• Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

The second group of valuable advice to the bereaved is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”

• “You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
• “Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
• “Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, all Last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends didn't see her that often - a couple of times a year. best case scenario. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

• How he holds up!
• How strong she is!
• You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

• Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
• Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
• Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” – you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Time cures?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As I was told a wise man Having experienced a loss, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

And here empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or just a lot life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s what wakes are for—to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.

Friendship is one of the most significant and fateful types of relationships. This is why it is usually so difficult to come to terms with the death of a friend. Perhaps the person was your soulmate, your partner, or someone who helped you get through your parents' divorce. If a friend died young, then his death may be even more shocking and unsettling. Find ways to cope with your emotions, preserve your friend's memory, and learn to move on without him.

Steps

How to cope with loss

Attend the service to say goodbye. Participation in funeral ceremonies and wakes allows the living to say goodbye to the deceased. Be sure to attend the memorial service. You can also bring flowers or a memento to leave at the graveside.

• Stand close to your family and other friends. Being close to such people will help express grief.

1. Express your grief in a way that is appropriate for you. There are many myths about how to grieve. In fact, everyone is free to do as they see fit. You can cry, scream, immerse yourself in work, or sit silently. There is no need to compare yourself with others, as these are just your feelings.

   Let others help you. There may be a desire to withdraw if it seems that you are not understood. However, it is better not to keep everything to yourself. Tell your friends or relatives about your feelings and turn to them for support. They were probably also affected by your friend's death. They will want to comfort you.

   Channel your feelings in a creative direction. Negative emotions are unbearable, but this energy can be used for creation. Give vent to your sad feelings - write, draw or dance. Creative activities have a therapeutic effect.

   Create a positive memory of your deceased friend. Help others to survive difficult moments. Start a charity, raise funds, educate, or find other ways to make the world a better place.

   • For example, if a friend's death was caused by a disease, hold a charity walk to benefit a non-profit organization that funds research into the disease.
   • If a friend died in an accident, teach others about the importance of traffic rules.

2. Do not overdo it. Don't put pressure on yourself or set your expectations too high. In such moments, you should be gentle and take care of yourself. Set a simple goal to shower, clean up, and eat breakfast every day. This approach will improve your well-being and help you feel in control of the situation.

   • Practice self-care every day. Pray, do yoga, meditate, get a massage, read books or listen to calm music.

3. Ask a friend's family for a keepsake. A memento will help you relive sorrowful moments and feel the closeness of a person. Reach out to your friend's family a few weeks after the death. Ask for a special memento to remember your friendship.

   • For example, it could be a book of yours that your friend never returned, or a T-shirt that he was wearing the day you met. It is desirable that the item has symbolic value.

4. Remember pleasant events. Shared memories of joyful times - good way honor the memory of the deceased. Remember special events and occasions in life: birthdays, meetings and important milestones.

   • Find other people who were close to the person. This could be his partner, sister or friends. Talk to them to be transported back to the events of the past.

5. Visit memorable places or do your favorite activities. Another way to honor a friend is to recreate shared memories in reality. If a person is no longer there, this does not mean that you cannot go to a pizzeria on Fridays or watch your favorite TV series.

   • It may be difficult at first, but doing things like this can often help you feel close to your friend.

6. Create a scrapbook to commemorate your friend's life. Use photos of your friend at different moments in life and photos of you together. Complete the album with captions or stories. Look through this album in moments of sadness and show it to your friends.

   Create a digital memory page. You can honor a friend with a page on the Internet. This great way remember upcoming anniversaries and share your feelings. You can also involve other mutual friends in this.

   • Create a page in social network or in a specialized service.

7. Do something in memory of a friend. If a friend loved cycling, take part in a big ride in memory of your friend. If he loved to read, then start a book club in his honor. Raise funds and establish a scholarship in a friend's name. Find a way to honor your friend's memory and preserve his legacy.